I Thought Happily Ever After Would Be Longer

[KATPILOT]

A very educated and brilliant woman as well.  My grandparents were Lebanese and fled when they were young due to the persecution of Christians. Not much has changed. In any event,  I'm glad they came here so my mom could meet my dad and I could be born. Funny how things happen.

I am always amazed at the volume of information you have Marty pertaining to grief and healing. You shall always have our gratitude and support.

[mittam99]

Stephen... I hope you get a chance to read this. I've tried to contact you via PM but it says you aren't accepting personal messages? Maybe your inbox is full? This is the only way I can let you know...

[KATPILOT]

Had to do a little general housekeeping Mitch. There should be room now.

[Dew's Girl]

I got really angry for the first time in many months on Friday.  My mom started talking about when I remarry. I was saying how this house is a bit too big for me (thinking of getting a roommate) and she casually mentions that my next husband might have kids from a previous marriage and need the rooms.

I can understand this from strangers and acquaintances but we' ve talked before about this, she has read my blog, she knows I still wear both my and Daniel's wedding rings on my fingers, she hears that I talk about Daniel in practically every conversation because he is never far from my thoughts.  I've told her before that right now in my heart I'm still married.  The thought of letting anyone into my bed or my heart is repugnant to me.  The space is already full.

[Gin]

Amy,. I agree with you.  There is no way I want anyone to come into my life at this point.  My heart belongs to Al.

[MartyT]

Oh Amy. I am so sorry you had to hear that from your mom, of all people, and I don't blame you for seeing red afterward. I don't know if your mom is an especially insensitive person or if this behavior is unusual for her. Unless your mom is like one of those witch-y types we read about in fairy tales who wants to do away with her own child,I would guess that, in her heart of hearts, she probably meant well. That is not to say that what she said is in any way okay. It's just that, as your mom, I would assume that she wants with all her heart for you to be done with all this pain. I know that as a mom myself, seeing one of my children in pain is ten times worse than being in pain myself. I hope that when your anger subsides a bit, you can have a talk with your mom, and let her know how insensitive her comments were, and  how much it hurt you when she said those things to you. I'm so sorry . . .

[kayc]

That is not something anyone should presume or suppose, for it is a very individual decision and although some remarry,many do not and find the mere thought of it offensive.  I know people mean well when they bring it up, but it's a conversation that should not take place!

[Dew's Girl]

Yes, I believe she means well. She is always supportive but can't always help letting her own opinions override common sense.  She is just struggling because she can't "fix" things.

[Margm]

Amy, I have not read all the remarks, but I think you do need to ask her how much Tylenol she takes and maybe she needs to cut down on it.

And, I was saying that in jest.  I'm sorry, it would probably be disrespectful to your mom.  (But it wouldn't hurt to ask anyhow).  

[kayc]

Marg,

I swear we need a "double like" button!

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, Dew's Girl said:

The thought of letting anyone into my bed or my heart is repugnant to me.  The space is already full.

I can't imagine having that said to me.  Once someone said I might find someone else.  Another time someone mentioned a roommate.  I feel as you do.  There is no room for anyone else despite how lonely this life has become.  He's still my one and only.  I was smitten with him at 21.  We married 6 years later.  I lost him at 37 shared years.  I have been without him 18 months.  Someone else?  I don't want someone else.  Never did.  I don't see that changing now if it never did before.  Of course our houses feel too big.  Half the life that was there is gone.  People want us to not hurt.  It's a nice thought, but quite unrealistic.

[mittam99]

I've mentioned this before but it's appropriate to mention this here. Just a couple months after Tammy died a customer of mine proclaimed "Mitch, I know, what you need... you need a woman!".  Talk about not getting it and being insensitive. After the shock of what he said subsided, I kept my cool and just told him that wasn't what I need. All I needed was/is my Tammy. The crazy part about it was that this guy was recently widowed himself. Clearly, his relationship was nothing like the one Tammy and I shared. There sure seem be an awful lot of people out there who think they know what's best for us.

[scba]

I received the same suggestion in the following terms: "you will findn love again" or the more pragmatic "there are many divorced men these days".

??????????????????????

[KATPILOT]

Actually Mitch what they do is think what's right for them is right for everyone else. Along my travels, I have seen quite a few widowed souls go that direction. It reminds me of an older woman friend, widowed herself, who told me I would find another lady because men are so needy.  I think she is actually correct for the most part. The rest of us men however have a need alright. We have a deeper need that can never be filled. Except of course, after we die.

This is a good time to mention how I lost a friend last week. I had been talking with and emailing a lady who was widowed and living in another state and we both shared a loss happening at about the same time. I enjoyed being able to talk about our shared feelings of never having another relationship, living alone, and yet finding new ways of adapting to this life. We became friends and talked on the phone a  couple of times a week over the years and I especially liked sharing things about after life communication since her experiences were similar to mine. The point is, I stopped hearing from her so I called and she informed me that she had started a relationship with a man she met on a dating site. I guess she changed her point of view. I'm actually happy for her because after five years she knows who she is and how she wants to live her life. We are all born with the right to be happy.  

Getting back to the point, when we are first widowed we have no clue whatsoever who we will become. We are going to change. This much is certain so the best thing to do is wait a while before allowing emotions to rule us. It could be a band aid thing................. covers the wound but doesn't heal it.         

Maybe I'll have a shirt made with the words "Happily Widowed" on it so people can keep their suggestions to themselves. Would that work?

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, KATPILOT said:

Maybe I'll have a shirt made with the words "Happily Widowed" on it so people can keep their suggestions to themselves. Would that work?

Uhhh... no.

I know where you're coming from Stephen but people may think you're implying you enjoy being a widower. I can't fathom the happily widowed concept. If you had any control in the matter you'd still be a married man.

I know you're kidding about the shirt, but... wouldn't this be even more effective?

[Margm]

My sweet aunt's husband passed away after 56 years.  Some time after, she started writing to a high school acquaintance.  She and my other aunt visited him in California and stayed in his guest house.  He had a bit of money.  Billy loved her like his own aunt (after 50 years, she was his aunt too).  He teased her about her new boyfriend to only find out he had passed away.  No great romance between them, but friends and more grief.  I don't want any more grief, my life's basket of grief is full.  

[Margm]

I have not run into bad stuff I don't think.  I was talking to a woman at the thrift store this morning.  They volunteer for the nursing home.  We started talking about being widowed.  She said she had been married for a long time, four children, to this man who was a miser.  They divorced and she became friends with someone and they lived together 13 years before he passed away.  Now both men have passed away.  I asked her which one she grieved the most for.  She said "well, certainly the last one"  But, a funny thing happened after the miser passed away, her kids inherited all that money he had put away.  

[KATPILOT]

Yeah just a joke Mitch and perhaps a sick one but hey.  One thing I truly feel and it doesn't make sense to some but I am two things in my mind. Widowed, and still married. I have been asked when people see my wedding ring, "Oh, did you get married again? I respond  "No, still married". Those of you who have heard me talk about this before know I could care less about what anyone thinks. Last September I was in Hawaii celebrating my anniversary. I put a picture on my facebook of the ocean saying I was there celebrating the day the love of my life married me. My aunt and uncle posted a congratulations to the new bride and groom on my page. I swear to God!  See how people don't get who you are? They just saw me less than a year ago.

Like the shirt!

[KATPILOT]

And by the way, you can be widowed and still be happy. One day you will find that you can be more happy than sad and yes, still be madly in love. That of course is quite different from being happy to be widowed and that was what I was implying only I see how it reads now that you mention it.

[Margm]

This probably does not belong on this topic, but my happy moments happen with "Frankie and Grace" on Netflix.  I know there are those that can pick the characters to death, pick the people playing them to death, but I am sorry, I laugh throughout the whole season and I try to watch as much of it as I can.  The subject does not appeal to everyone, it not only appeals to me, I forget I am sad when I am watching it.  Naturally Billy never ran off with a gay man, so these characters are so far off they are just right.  Not for everyone.

And yes, Hanoi Jane stars in it (I hated that about her, I lived during the Vietnam War), so does gay Lily Tomlin and Charlie Sheen's dad as well as Sam Waterston.  Some of my friends think I am warped.  I was warped before Billy left me, maybe now more so than ever.  I like it.  I laugh.  

[Guest]

Why does it matter if Lily Tomlin is gay or Jane Fonda chose to protest a war that many found deplorable and even Robert McNamara, the architect of US policy in Vietnam said was a mistake? And should we indict Martin Sheen based on Charlie's flaws?   I am confused.  While I enjoy Grace and Frankie I am puzzled by the footnote.  I love music by Richard Wagner even though Hitler was a huge fan.  Paul McCartney was very outspoken about America's involvement in Vietnam and yet he remains one of the most cherised and prolific writers/composers of our time.  Many don't understand he was composing classical albums as well as pop/rock.  I am sorry but I fail to see how any of this addresses yours or my grief.  

[Margm]

Brad, I just love you.  Absolutely.  You are just the opposite of my friends.  The first thing one friend said was "Is that with Jane Fonda?  I will not watch it.  Okay, I just put in my soap opera life and removed it.  

I think I grew up in another time than you Brad, and my friends are definitely closed minded people.  I might be about some things, but with my family my mind does not stay closed long.  I miss Billy. 

And this has nothing to do with the topic "I thought happily ever after......."  This show just makes me laugh and I like to laugh. And it does not address your grief, but if you can laugh for even a few seconds or minutes, I do think that addresses your frame of mind.  

[KarenK]

I'm not familiar with that show Marg, but if it deters your sorrow for a while and makes you laugh, watch it. Your friends don't have to like it and you are not warped. One of my favorites is "The Walking Dead". I'm sure to many people that is warped. Ask me if I care?

[Guest]

Marg-

I also enjoy the show and it makes me laugh as well.  I also happy that people do not remember me for what I was fifty years ago.  I like to believe that over time we all continue to grow.  We grew up in the same time only with different perspectives and values. 

[Margm]

I'm different Brad, different than most people.  I cannot hold my liquor, I cannot drink.  My morals are such that it is "you know better than to do this, it's a sin" but I worry most about being caught.  My goal in life was to dance in one of the cages at the Whisk-A-Go-Go on the strip in our big city that was close, wearing the high go-go white boots.  The flashing lights were exciting.  My deacon dad would have died in his 40's or 50's had I done this.   I settled down, then I fought against the leash.  The older years made me know if I had done all the crazy things I had wanted to do, I would not have made it to my older years.  I enjoyed being married, the last 20-30 years of it.  So did Billy.  He was the exact kind of guy I searched for all my life, but I only knew it after I settled down, and he had to settle down too.  That is why that show makes me laugh, because I would have been Grace.  I could still be Grace.  And, Billy would have found it offensive to be Sol, to even think like Sol.  He came in on me making the meditation noises, the meditation I did to drive away the cancer, and he laughed and laughed.  I locked my door and found new mantras to be laid back with.  Just finished last Grace and Frankie at about 2:00 a.m. and Scott said he loved hearing me laugh.  Sometimes laughter works better than medicine, it is the best medicine, and lightens this horrible time I am going through, we all are going through. I had to tell my friends about the laughter, but they are the type of people I have to warn, to tell them ahead of time of the language and subject matter might offend them.  They might secretly watch it, but I will never hear about it.  That last episode was the funniest yet.