Shock and Awe after 1 year

[kayc]

George, what wonderful news, on all counts!  I'm glad you got your car fixed and for less that you anticipated.  Also that you had a visit with a veteran, sometimes people need someone to hear them and you're a very caring soul.  I'm glad you're doing what you can to get uplifted!

[iPraiseHim]

I just realized that the 16th just past and I didn't pre-mourn or post mourn the day.  It's the 17th month since my beloved wife died.  It's been an interesting month of highs and lows.  Each of us needs to find own path through this grief. Sometimes I think I should be farther along as if this is some sort of marathon of life and I will be normal and well adjusted someday.  It's a foolish notion because I was never normal before. 

I have come to discover that the grief is unfolded to me in layers and that there are life lessons built into the pain of grief.  I never have liked pain and would rather avoid it. But in this pain there are seeds of growth. I still count the days, weeks, and months as they are mile markers in my journey of grief. I find what trips me up are all of my circular questions that have no answers. 

There is a battle that resides in each of us.  Our partners death sometimes tempts us to give up, not continue with life.  It is the battlefield of the mind.

Today, my pastor taught from Psalms 13.  I am weak. I call to God to strengthen me, so I can press forward.

Use what ever tool you can so you can push through.  I will still fall but sooner or later I will get up and press forward to the mark.  I have been able to bless others despite my grief by opening my eyes and heart and reaching out to help another person.  We may never know who we have helped just by sharing our lives in this forum the true cost of deep, and sacrificial love we haven given to our spouse, family, and friends. 

In the first few days, weeks, and months, all I could see was the shock, pain, and loss of my precious wife.  I was just trying to learn how to breath, sleep, and live through such a traumatic loss.  After 17 months, I can still be brought back to that shocking day  but I can also remember that I have been working on this journey of grief and have learned some valuable lessons along the way.  There is still a rocky road ahead, yet I have tools and this group to help me continue on this grief journey I day at a time.  Shalom - George

[Gwenivere]

The circular questions are my 'downfall' too.  I already know there aren't answers in this life and maybe not ever.  Yet, I still get caught in them.  The mind is so stubborn wanting to make sense if all this even when it is repeatedly shown it cannot be done.  What is hat old analogy of insanity?  Something like how many times do you keep walking into the wall before you get you cant go thru it.  

[Widowedbysuicide]

You are a wise man George.  And equally important, you speak the language of grief very eloquently.

I hope the rest of July has less downs and more ups.

[Margm]

The other night I went around the "back way" to Walmart.  First off, I don't drive at night.  Tonight Bri had an earache and I did not have olive oil or anything.  So, at 10:30 I went to Walmart.  The moon is out and there was no traffic..  The other night I was so filled with anxiety driving at night, tonight I talked to Billy.  Something about the moon being out comforts me.  Human nature is strange.  George, you give us hope.  Thank you..

[scba]

Thank you George for this post. Shalom

[iPraiseHim]

It's been a very busy week.  Besides working, I have been working on my Dad's computer to upgrade from Windows 7 to Windows 10.  I have spent 8 hours for two days with no progress. Errors codes after  long download and installation times.I am persistent and tried every trick I know to get a successful install.  Nothing has worked.  I will return tomorrow after church. I studied and found another way to install it so will hopefully be successful tomorrow. 

I already downloaded and reserved a copy for my Dad's laptop.  My sister has it with her as she is visited her son and the two grand babies. 

I upgraded my other computer (used to be Rose Anne's) to Windows 10.  I was upset that i could not downgrade back to 8.1 as advertised.  I miss understood and found out that if you want the free copy of win 10,it must be installed by July 29th.After the panic and terror subsided, I realized it is best to just stay with the Windows 10.  All of my files are saved but my bookmarks and settings are lost.  There were a lot of websites and videos Rose Anne liked and saved that I like to look through but I guess they are gone. 

Communication via text is limited.  Her son is suppose to be a computer tech but I could not reach him (phone dead).  So I'm trying to get him to go ahead and run the windows update 10 that is reserved on the laptop.  My sister texts back that he is downloading windows.  Come to find out she meant on his OWN computer.  Amazing what a few words can change the meaning and context of a conversation.  Hopefully he will get to it by Friday.

I was able to get  some much needed projects done.

1) downloaded the stand alone Window 10 update on a flash drive for my Dad's computer.

2) Completed the employer quarterly tax reports early ( Due July 31)

3) Changed the password for the SSA (Social Security Administration) so I can file the annual reports in January.( every 90 days)

4) Cooked the hamburger for meals later.

5) Prepared and cooked Chicken Enchiladas for tomorrow meal with Dad.

6) Suggested to my Dad that he hire a company to take care of his grass on the really hot days.  I recommended my lawn care company and he agreed to have them take care of it when it is so hot and humid.

It has been a productive and tiring week. Missing  Rose Anne on many levels.  the loneliness and loss of companionship is the toughest part of this grieving.  

I miss my wife.  Shalom - George 

 

[kayc]

George,

Did you try all three browsers?  I found that Edge didn't keep my bookmarks from I.E. but Mozilla Firefox and Chrome did.  I put them on Edge but the best I could manage they came out Z to A and no way to resort.  ???  The forums I went to, everyone was greatly disappointed in it and won't be using Edge...it'd be my last resort too.  It did mess up my permissions and one of my printers doesn't print right now (drivers issue) even though I tried reinstalling it and updating the drivers.  HP doesn't have up to date drivers for it?  The printer isn't that old!  I can't scan anymore because My Pictures is no longer usable, it says I don't have permission.  An IT guy might be able to fix it but I don't have a couple hundred bucks to waste on it right now so I work around it, although more cumbersome.

Chicken Enchiladas sounds really good!

Someday I hope to hire someone for lawn care myself as I am not up to maintaining/repairing lawnmowers.  Both of mine broke and no way to get them in to repair shop so I let the scrap man have them.  A neighbor was cutting my lawn but now his is broke.  They sure seem like a pain!

Yeah, I was under the impression you could go back to Windows 7 or 8 but was too afraid to try it.  I have Windows 10 on my PC and laptop both now.  Didn't have problems with the laptop.

[Widowedbysuicide]

George I hope this coming week brings some joy.  You have been really busy, that helps with some of the sorrow.  Hugs to you.

Marita

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, kayc said:

Yeah, I was under the impression you could go back to Windows 7 or 8 but was too afraid to try it.  I have Windows 10 on my PC and laptop both now.  Didn't have problems with the laptop.

My computer was hijacked by MS and installed Windows 10 without my permission.  I tried it a few days and hated it.  Couldn't find any of my files.  Had a heck of a time even getting to Google to load my g mail.  That was about the only thing that worked as it stands alone from the operating system.  I did do go back to 7 and so glad I did.  Everything was still there, thank gawd.  Installed a blocker I think George mentioned so I don't get pop ups about it anymore and prevents that from happening again.  This was when it was free to go back.  I think you have to pay now to do so.  I get burned out without Steve to fix these things that I really tried to adapt, but I couldn't.  It's a crappy operating system, in my opinion.  It didn't even have games they always did so I would have to download them.  I don't like doing downloads because of sneaky viruses.  My brother in law and his daughter use it, but they are geeks.  Yet they have expressed little like for it.  I was amazed at how easy it was to go back tho.  No hitches at all.

[Gin]

Where is the blocker.  I have 7 and I do not want 10.  I am afraid that it will just install when I do not want it.

Gin

[mittam99]

Gin, I'm not sure what program George recommended but this is what I use to block the Windows 10 nagging and the install:

Just download the free program, follow the easy instructions and you're good to go!

http://www.pcworld.com/article/2998967/windows/how-to-block-the-windows-10-upgrade.html

[Gin]

Thanks Mitch.  That will be my tomorrow project.  I have all these gadgets I have to figure out.  My daughter bought me a Fitbit and I have to set that up.  My friend got me a compass for the car.  She thinks that will keep me on track, but I doubt it.

Gin

[Gwenivere]

I know Mitch would come thru.  . I knew it was called GWX and it works.

[iPraiseHim]

Yes , the GWX 10 program does work.  You have thirty days to downgrade when you upgrade.  I have been using Windows 10 on my business computer for almost a year with fewer problems than with Windows 8.  The biggest problem I have is with Windows 10 and they force you to have automatic updates.  While working on my Dad's computer, I discovered a way to stop the automatic updates.

Understand, Most updates are important, especially for security reasons. However sometimes the updates will cause problem, glitches, and even turn your computer into a paperweight.  I prefer to install them when I am confident they will not lock up the computer.  Also be sure and make a recover drive on USB or DVD so you can reinstall Windows 10. It is a pain but there are you-tube  videos that will walk you through the process.

SUCCESS!!!

With careful planning, downloading the Windows 10 installation files, and installing the program, it works great, ( it only took four hours to complete.  I also updated the drivers (SLIM-DRIVERS)  I re-installed the Security, Firewalls, Anti-virus/ Mal-ware, etc... and the correct printer drivers.  Dad is pleased that it is finally done.  He enjoyed the chicken enchiladas.

It has been a long , hot and humid week.  Weather will be more of the same for the next week or so.  I have no work schedule for tomorrow so I will do some work around my home and office.  And I am going to sleep in with no alarm clock to wake me.  Thanks for your thoughts  and prayers.  Shalom

[iPraiseHim]

It's been a long hot and humid week. All of the computers have been updated to Windows 10. Yea!

This evening I purchased a car from one of my clients as a back up. It is the same make and model of car that I helped my wife buy when we first started dating.  My sister plans to return from her visit from her son and grandchildren tomorrow night.  So I asked her to pick me up and chauffeur me to the car on Saturday.  It will be nice to have a personal car as well as a work car.  Before, I could count on my wife to help me do these things.  ... Just another reminder of how things were . 

Life continues to press forward despite the grief.  I remember life as being happy and exciting every day no matter what the trials and we had some spectacular days (and nights) together. Now it just feels like I'm living half the life that I was with her.  I've been experiencing some flashbacks to her day of death again and it still takes my breath away.   I figure it is the way my heart is trying to come to terms with her death.  I thought I already did that but maybe there are still some unresolved issues that I'm not consciously aware of.

Loneliness and loss of companionship seems to be my battle lately.  It is difficult to not let the feelings rule the day. 

I still have much to be grateful for , so I try to focus on those things as well. Shalom 

[KATPILOT]

We do start living a half life from that day George. We also have unresolved issues but how can we be expected to come to terms with everything right off the bat? It could take years or we may not even live long enough to work all of them out.  It's just, do we try?  I'd like to hope so for though I started with a half life, I might be at 5/8 now.

[Gwenivere]

I'm still at half.  Your right, Kat, I wake everyday day wondering how to try.  More importantly, do I want to.

Im usually not aware of dates, but today is 21 months Steve has been gone.  Ive tried to erase the date 29 from my head.  It does nothing but remind me of the loss.  I prefer his birthday or our anniversary.  

[brat#2]

Gwen, I know what you are saying about erasing certain dates from my head, but it doesn't seem to be working.  I'm not even sure I'm living a half life yet, I'm trying but don't think I'm quite there yet.  Hope you can find some peace today Gwen and am sending you hugs.

Joyce

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

It is such a relief coming on here and having my thoughts be normal.  

I'm starting to feel resentment building up towards those people out there that act like my loss is only a short term inconvenience. 

Thank goodness for here!

[KATPILOT]

I do the same Gwen. I focus on happy days. I celebrate Kathy's birthday and our anniversary with a lot more joy. I try to let that horrible day go past without much thought. I do the same with my dad. It means having to work very hard at not going into that dark place but every year it becomes easier to do. You can't block it out of course for that would be to lie to yourself as if it never occurred. I try and look at life from a perspective that death happens and life begins at birth  so she came into this world destined to find me. When I look at that way, I start to see the good "special" days as more important than her demark day. How lucky I was that she was born. That's a day to celebrate alright and how lucky I was that she chose to spend the rest of her life with me. That is the best day of my year even now and it over shadows the same day it was that my father died.

I do understand Joyce how you are seeing things right now but you can't erase those dates and they will come but I hope for you that they  come with less importance each year. 

[mittam99]

4 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

It is such a relief coming on here and having my thoughts be normal.  

I'm starting to feel resentment building up towards those people out there that act like my loss is only a short term inconvenience. 

Thank goodness for here!

Marita, you have to remember that the people that view it as an "inconvenience" haven't had a loss like this. They have no clue how it effects you from the moment you wake up until your head hits your pillow at night. How the pain is always there with each breath you take and each step you take (forward or backward). Because it hasn't happened to them, they just can't fathom the intensity and the life altering nature of this loss.

I know it's easy to resent these people when they seem so out of tune with the reality of your situation. But, for your own emotional well being, just take what they say with a grain of salt. Don't let their lack of understanding cause you any added stress. I know it's easier said than done, though.

Hugs.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Widowedbysuicide said:

I'm starting to feel resentment building up towards those people out there that act like my loss is only a short term inconvenience.

Yeah, like we got an illness and are taking too long to get over it.  Inconvenience for them, hell for us.  But as so many have wisely said, you can't know how it feels til it happens to you.  I remind myself that every single day.  Actually, I dont need a reminder.  It's there waiting for me as soon as I wake up.  

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, KATPILOT said:

I do understand Joyce how you are seeing things right now but you can't erase those dates and they will come but I hope for you that they  come with less importance each year. 

My mother died in December of 1990.  I don't know when it happened, but it stopped being a day I remembered.  This time around is gonna be tougher.  She wasn't my chosen life partner and involved in my daily life.  I don't know why today is hitting me so hard about Steve and his death more so than usual.  I have been sick and worn down by other things that came up I wasn't expecting like redoing my will to take him out as my next of kin.  Just to vulnerable this time around.  Also acutely aware of no friends or family locally so I feel like a non person watching the world carry on.  Haven't cried in a long time, think that will change as the day progresses.  

[brat#2]

I know what you are saying Gwen, I only remember the month and years that my mom and dad died, not the actual day anymore (would need to look it up).  But like you said, I think this one is going to be harder and take longer.  You just need to do what you need to and I know I'm not there locally for you, but I'm with you in spirit and hope you don't feel so alone. 

Thank you Stephen for your words and I'm sure you are right, it will get easier.

Joyce