If You're Going Through Hell

[Gin]

My daughter works with the disabled.  She has a group of about 12.  Their hygiene is not that great.   There was a lot of flu there the last few weeks.  She never misses work, but now she has a fever and sore throat and great fatigue.  She called the doc and his guess was the flu.  Apparently you have to be at deaths door to even get tested for the flu, let alone the new virus.  She was told that if she shows up at a clinic, they will turn her away.  No one wants sick people around.  The health system is really messed up.  I know that I am at high risk, but I will see if she will come by me so I can help her.  This isolation is really taking a toll on me and everyone else.    They finally tested her today.  She won't find the results for a few days.  Gin

[MartyT]

1 hour ago, Gin said:

 This isolation is really taking a toll on me and everyone else.

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[kayc]

Gwen, I am isolated as well, having no one living with me, and no one visiting either.  My pastor said I can come to church since we can have up to 25 and I can't do streaming like those in town...it will be weird to be in an empty church with him preaching to a cameraman.  Not hardly the same without my friend sitting next to me and people to talk with afterwards.  Yesterday gutter guy put my downspout on $175 for a few minutes work, wasn't exactly time with a person as I was in the house with Kodie and he only came to the door for his check.  I did get my haircut Wednesday, she opens up for appointments only, one at a time, but I saw my neighbor leaving and talked to her for a minute....she just lost her husband of 46 years, she's pretty out of it, we all remember that stage.

[kayc]

Gin, There's something wrong with a health care system that turns away sick people in crisis.  I am sorry your daughter is so sick and pray it isn't serious and she recovers quickly...and that you don't get it.  My daughter had the flu at Christmas over a year ago, was at death's door and eventually drove herself to the emergency room.  She missed work for over a month with no reserves to carry her.  Her clients were understanding and waited for her recovery.

I thank God for the phone, I pray it and the electricity hold.

[widow'15]

19 hours ago, Gin said:

    They finally tested her today.  She won't find the results for a few days.  Gin

Gin:  Keeping you and your daughter in my thoughts.  So sorry she had to wait so long to be tested.  I surely understand how you must feel wanting her to come be with you so you can take care of her.  Hugs to you.  Dee

[scba]

This crisis is triggering PTSD on me. The virus, the ICU, isolation, social distance, washing hands. I knew them too well. Because he died from a virus. 

All those things I will never forget but those images, memories, they are at my "front page" now and I'm not doing well. I feel a pain I haven't recurrently experienced in a long time. The "knife" pain, as I call it. That and a heaviness on my chest. 

I compare myself to his hospital confinements. I now see how it must have been for him. This realization is too much. Did I need this global crisis to acknowledge that?

He was young, strong, he was a unique human being capable of standing all that, and I did too by his side, worried, upset, yes, but eventually he made it, for 3 years that is how it has beeb. We had an ultimate purpose. We didn't get there. He died.

If I am asked to wear a mask to go out I think I will scream and break into tears. I don't go out. I was wearing ICU clothes the last time I saw him, half dead. I was wearing a mask. I can't do it.

But now.....I go through this crisis with resignation, "this too shall pass". I'm looking forward to put all this behind me and forget. 

I am a terrible human being. I haven't grown a better person after he died. I don't care if the world will be better or worse, If we are going to learn a life lesson, all this about gym at home, work at home, bake at home, Netflix at home. I do them but don't care about their ultimate meaning, because to me there is none! I will survive this confinement, but it is me without him. He is already gone. This Covid would have killed him. It was another virus. They work the same. 

We will survive. One day at a time.

Edited March 24, 2020 by scba

[iPraiseHim]

59 minutes ago, scba said:

This crisis is triggering PTSD on me. The virus, the ICU, isolation, social distance, washing hands. I knew them to well. He died from a virus. 

All those things I will never forget but those images, memories, they are at my "front page" now and I'm not doing well. I feel a pain I haven't recurrently experienced in a long time. The "knife" pain, as I call it. That and a heaviness on my chest. 

I compare myself to his hospital confinements. I now see how it must have been for him. This realization is a sword on your soul. Did I need this global crisis to know that? 

He was young, strong, he was a unique human being capable of standing all that, and I did too by his side, worried, upset, yes, but eventually he made it, for 3 years that is how it went. We had an ultimate purpose. We never got there. He died.

If I am asked to wear a mask to go out I think I will scream and break into tears. I don't go out. I was wearing ICU clothes the last time I saw him, half dead. I was wearing a mask. I can't do it.

But now.....I go through this crisis as "this too shall pass". I'm looking forward to put all this behind me and forget. 

I am a terrible human being. I'm not a better person after he died. I don't care if the world will be better or worse, If we are going to learn a life lesson, all this about gym at home, work at home, bake at home, Netflix at home. I do them but don't care about their ultimate meaning, because to me there is none! I will survive this confinement, but it is only me now. He will be gone. It is just me. This Covid would have killed him. It was another virus. They work the same. 

We will survive. One day at a time.

My heart aches for you as you are forced to go through this. You are not a terrible human being. Your experiences have etched a scar in your psyche.  Death is not something that we can just get over and move on.  My life is not any better because Rose Anne died five years ago.  It is profoundly different.  We can't undo or change what has already happened.  I have had loneliness and isolation since.  It is a private thing. It's not something I let others see.

My understanding is that masks are not required to be worn unless you suspect you have  a cold or the virus. The hardest part for me is to not touch my face with my hands.  I wear gloves all the time when I am working or going shopping for groceries. 

I will be praying Peace and comfort for you during this current National Pandemic - Shalom ( Peace)

[kayc]

2 hours ago, scba said:

I don't care if the world will be better or worse, If we are going to learn a life lesson

Yesterday I heard a sermon (Joel Olsteen and someone else) and it said nothing is random, God has it all in His plan.  For the last 15 years I've told myself death just happens, God doesn't will it or cause it, it's been easier for me to accept that way.  It's hard for me to think otherwise, not because of religious beliefs/teachings, but because of my grief and emotions following.  We do learn through everything we go through in life, but I doubt any of us would trade our partner for the lessons learned...we're too human for that.  We miss them.  How you are feeling is very understandable.  I wonder if some of the people espousing these things so glibly know what it's like to lose the love of your life, your soul mate, best friend?  I think not, even though he was directly addressing grief.  Maybe I'm just not ready to hear that yet.  Regardless, God understands, and if I'm all washed up, He understands that too.  To many, religion in a box is comforting, secure, it makes them feel all is well even though it doesn't feel like it.  I get that.  I can feel that way about most things but grief is different than most things.

I am sorry you are being triggered.  I doubt it'll come to us being required to wear face masks, for one thing we can't even get them.  The government said they don't do any good for this, but medical personnel still need them.  We do what we need to in order to get through this.  Your staying home is helping you most of all, even though it drives us stir-crazy to do so.

[scba]

Thank you George and Kay for your kindness and good hearts. I didn't mean to say that my life or I should be better because of his death. Kay, I know what you mean and I feel the same as you do. Perhaps due to my Catholic upbringing I think I'm supposed to learn a "higher" lesson or something like that, grew up to be this or that. Well, I haven't. 

Thanks for your prayers. I appreciate them.

[Gwenivere]

Ana, I’m so sorry you ran into such a huge trigger.  We all have them and this virus is creating even more as we are put in a situation that is so abnormal no one really knows how to handle.  For those of us alone, it’s very hard.  I know couples and families will get on each other’s nerves, but at least they have some form of human contact.  Stir in grief and this is like torture.  

I was raised (well, they attempted) Catholic as well.  Never made sense to me the guilt aspect.  As for learning higher lesson, I don’t recall that being addressed.  Anyway, I’m more into living ethically and morally.  Psych people are going to have a field day analyzing how this affects people and scientists as well.

but what about us?  All I have learned so far is fear, depression, struggling to stay sane and massively intensified grief.  I try to stay in one day at a time thinking but I already know tomorrow will be coming and will have to do it all again.  

I don’t know if it is mandatory to wear a mask in your country.  It’s optional here.  I don’t because I’d I struggle with how no one wants to get close to you when out.  I understand why but it’s so very strange.  

I don’t care about all the at home stuff either.  It’s all wrong without him.  I have no motivation and that’s the dangerous part.  I want to go to sleep and live there where I am free.  If I get to see him that’s a super bonus as he is vital and healthy.  You’re not a terrible human being.  Your human.  If you were terrible than I am too.  

Virtual hugs as that is the world right now and it’s very cold.  We need touch like we need food and water.  Unfortunately that can’t be bought.  

[kayc]

This isolation is EXTREMELY different for those with a spouse.  No comparison.  They are out painting their house, talking to each other, cooking together, playing games, watching movies, going on walks.  We      are     alone.

Triy not to worry about what we are "supposed" to get out of this.  Remember, as Marty always says, throw the "shoulds" away.  We can't worry about what others think we should get out of this or learn, just do our time as best as we can or know how to do.

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I try to stay in one day at a time thinking but I already know tomorrow will be coming and will have to do it all again.  

Don't you wish we DIDN'T know that?  We could learn from our dogs, who take everything as it comes and are content, no matter their lot or suffering.  They accept things as is.  I remember Arlie, suffering with cancer, laying on the couch smiling...his fur looked skimpy, his face haggard, he was in pain, but yet he smiled.  God I love that dog.  If I could be half what he was, I'd be a better person for it.

I don't worry about the mask because we can't get them anyway and they told us it didn't help.  but disposable gloves is another issue.  And we can't get more of those right now either.

It is going to be weird to not have touch for a few months.  I'm kind of used to it but still I got them at church and my ladies group, now even that's gone.  I remember once coming home from my son's and realizing I forgot to hug him...not a part of my everyday habit now.  I called him when I got home and told him next time to remind me or initiate one in case I forget again.

[Gwenivere]

Absolutely I wish we could be like our dogs!  Let someone else do the complex thinking.  This is just not a good time to be a human being for us.  I love the way you typed it.......we.  are.  alone.  I see all the couples and families out there.  As you said, carrying on thru this together.  As I can hardly walk, it’s doubly hard to try and feel part of the human race. No walks for me.  I go to the grocery just to be in the same world as other people and it’s dangerous.  But if I don’t share some actual time among humans, even at a distance, the depression eats me alive.  I worry I am being selfish doing this.  I think I’m more a danger to myself.  I get a COVID test tomorrow.  I just heard from the back surgeon I have no ther option but surgery so I am feeling very trapped being alone as there is a scramble to keep me out of a rehab facility that I just expscaped from.  That is truly hell forvlack of control. Not even sure they are taking people.

[kayc]

You might want to ask your doctor about that, they couldn't schedule it unless somewhere was willing to take you if need be.  How long are they looking at you being out of commission?  I know you've tried to avoid this...

This too will pass.  I remember those nights in that storm, all alone, time seemed to stand still, the blackest blackness I have ever seen.  Listening to the trees crashing down all around us, thinking any moment one could crash in on us, more scared for Arlie and Kitty than myself.  That was the most alone I'd ever experienced.  Knowing I couldn't go anywhere, no escape.  At least now I have electricity, phone, internet, refrigerator, water and can walk Kodie down the street.  I would not trade this for the storm.  Those few days/nights felt like a lifetime, and no way of knowing how long it would last or if help would ever come.  Totally cut off from the world.  But I survived it, it got over with.  The massive damage it did to my property, trees, branches, debris everywhere, but I got it all cleaned up, the worst devastation in the front yard, took me a month to finish, but I did it...by myself.  No help.  A few months later I hired someone to tackle the downed Madrone in the back yard, it was massive, needed a chainsaw.  And all of that is but a memory now, a story to tell my grandchildren someday.  

[kevin]

With all the good news and Graces with new grandkids lately and only seems Karma will make an appearance.....My youngest kid, the recovering drug addict has slipped and kinda missing(except for texts)........Her friend who she is staying with is at her wits end....Told her family comes first, she breaks the rules, she's gone....It 's something I should have practiced earlier......Other than this "lockdown",still waiting for Spring...

[MartyT]

27 minutes ago, kevin said:

My youngest kid, the recovering drug addict has slipped

I'm so sorry, Kevin. 

 

On 3/25/2020 at 12:39 PM, kayc said:

We could learn from our dogs, who take everything as it comes and are content, no matter their lot or suffering.  They accept things as is.

I truly do think that is one of the things I love so much about them, Kay. We can learn a lot from them. ❤️

Gwen, I'm so sorry to learn about your need for back surgery. My heart reaches out to you . . . 

[Margm]

5 hours ago, kevin said:

the recovering drug addict has slipped

Kevin, have not seen my only grandson for years.  I know my  son had to hunt him down in California, literally in drug jungles that the police praised him for coming out alive.  Warned him not to go into them.  I do not know what happened.  A few years ago we had a picture of him threatening a law officer that was put in a California newspaper, he had a huge knife.  There is no rehab.  None he would stay in.  His letters placed on Facebook were like they came from some unknown language, nothing spelled correctly and no thought could be comprehended in any words.  I have not seen this boy in years, but he lived with us once and was so sweet and loving.  With Billy gone, my son was in deep depression and his son writing letters that could only be described as hate gibberish.

Then, out of no where, my son talks to him.  He is able to be understood.  He has goals, which is something he has not had since we last saw him in the 11th grade.  He is in his 30's now.  He has two children that are taken care of by reliable people and he could not see them.  He has cleared some hurdle and is going to get to see his little girl who is about 8-9 now.

I'm afraid I have not kept up with him.  I cannot help him.  We helped his dad get through the drug jungles in Louisiana until he took himself out of it, we gave him a safe place to fall and he wanted to please his dad too.  

I counted my grandson as lost.  I have faith but there seems to be some sort of wall I cannot break through since Billy left.  I love, I love my family, but I feel somehow half of my life, love, faith, feelings are blunted.  I think we may all feel blunted to some extent.  It is so good to see my son with some of his depression gone.  My grandson has been free of drugs through some rehab location, I don't know where it came from.  I did not expect it, my son didn't expect it.  

With this epidemic turmoil, I'm just afraid.....plainly.  I hope and pray  for your child.  

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, kevin said:

.My youngest kid, the recovering drug addict has slipped and kinda missing(except for texts)........Her friend who she is staying with is at her wits end....Told her family comes first, she breaks the rules, she's gone....It 's something I should have practiced earlier......Other than this "lockdown",still waiting for Spring...

Kevin:  So sorry to see your news on your youngest child.  Tough Love is so difficult. 

Yes, waiting for Spring and hoping soon you will be enjoying your beautiful Gr. Grand babies.  Dee

[KarenK]

Kevin, so sorry to hear of another setback. If only our kids could understand the heartbreak......

Blast it! I seem to have another UTI. Called the doctor and of course he won't prescribe without a urine sample. Office called back and said he is doing televisits?. Not sure what you call them, but my computer does not have a camera. Waiting for another callback. I'm not in a lot of pain, but very uncomfortable.

[kayc]

Kevin,

I am so sorry.  There are no words adequate, all I can do is pray...for you...for her.  (((hugs)))

[kayc]

Oh Karen, I'm so sorry, I can't believe he won't prescribe under the situation.  I wouldn't be able to do a televisit either.  I bought something on eBay, said it was in the US, $87, said it was shipping USPS, still not in their system, eBay removed the listing, I'm out my $ and neither eBay nor Paypal answering their phones, sent their employees home.  First time in the 18 years I've dealt with them, wouldn't you know.  But I'd rather be out $87 than have a UTI and a doctor not doing anything for you.. 

 

[KarenK]

On Kay, I hope your order gets resolved soon and you're not ripped off. Maybe it's just a glitch. I have a few things or order at Walgreens(cheaper online and free shipping right now) and some beads from my regular online store which is in Ann Arbor, Mi.  Both orders are delayed, but I expected that.

Of all the times to get one of these stupid infections. Can't even run to an ER or clinic right now, wouldn't anyhow. Got some dental putty for my missing filling. Nothing I can do about the broken tooth. Just another day in the neighborhood😊

[Gwenivere]

I’m having the same problem with this televisits too.  Trying to schedule several appointments they said that is how it would be.  I then tell them I’m not sure my tablet will do it.  Also, how are they really going to examine the problem?  One is red, swollen and painful ankles.  How is the doc gonna do anything that is just a picture.  Maybe they make you do what they would do and tell them.

i don’t see how they could do that for you, Karen.  Is it possible to just drop off a specimen at a close by lab so the doc can get the results and call in an RX if needed?  I share your concerns about other things happening as there is no place to go easily.  I had a blood draw today and going by the ER, it was practically empty.  I asked why and they said if someone comes in displaying typical symptoms they send them home as there is nothing they can do for them.  It has to be really serious to be seen.  I understand the reasoning.  Can’t afford to deplete the very limited supplies like gloves and masks.  

Sounds like you are hand tied on you purchase, Kay.  That really sucks.  That you can’t call anyone would make me very angry.  They should have email back up for the working from home employees.  Did you get an email confirmation when you ordered?  Any kind of proof?  Can you contest it with your bank?  I’ve had to do that, but my purchase was (or non purchase) was on my credit card thru them.  Some went thru PayPal tho so the bank could fight the battle.  

Keven, I’ve known a lot of people, mostly my own family, destroyed by alcohol.  I consider it a drug too in those circumstances.  I truly hope your daughter is not totally lost.  

Thanks Marty.  This back surgery mess is something I have to put a lot of decision to or it will for me as there is no doing it before late May, maybe longer.  Don’t know how I will live in this pain that long.  My muscles are getting so weak from so little exercise.  Now I have to hope I don’t develop a DVT from all the sitting.  

Just heard in TV over 80,000 deaths are expected from the virus in the US.  We will surpass Italy percentage wise.  I see couples taking walks and so wish we all had our mates to be with during this crisis.  It would still be awful, but there that mental safety only they could provide.  And we could touch them!  I miss touching people or at least not being seen as a threat and avoided.  People go wide when nearing others now.  It’s just not normal behavior we are having to do and that messes with your head in ways that intensify loneliness.  

 

[KarenK]

It's funny. We used to fear a nuclear war. Who would have thought a virus could bring down not just one country, but most of the world. As we destroy the earth, Mother Nature dishes out retribution.

[widow'15]

5 hours ago, KarenK said:

Blast it! I seem to have another UTI. Called the doctor and of course he won't prescribe without a urine sample.

Waiting for another callback. I'm not in a lot of pain, but very uncomfortable.

Karen:  In the meantime, if you have (sugar free type) cranberry juice drink as much as you can.  This has helped me in the past until I got to the doctor.  Also, drink as much water as you can.  I realize the discomfort keeps me from wanting to drink.  Just a suggestion.  Good luck.  Dee

[KarenK]

Thanks Dee, I'm trying to remember to drink water whenever I go through the kitchen. I actually had Robert pick me up some cranberry juice a few days ago when I started feeling this way. He could only get a couple of small bottles. I have to mix it with a little apple juice. Just too sour alone. Should have called the doctor earlier in the week. Guess I thought I was going to wish it away.

I wondered about the lab situation, Gwen. I wonder how backed up they are with all the sick people. Another place I don't want to visit in person. Hope to get a callback on Monday.