My Sanity Needed Vents

[kayc]

9 hours ago, widow'15 said:

I hope your hand will heal soon

My fear is that it will not get better...it has been unrelenting for four months now.  Constant pain/numbness, pretty severe.  Sometimes it's hard to hold a cup.  Weedwhacking, lawnmowing, is out.  It's hard to vacuum or walk Kodie.

My son called last night, wants me to come Thursday instead of Friday, stay through Sunday, I hope I can come home Sun. eve.  I don't sleep well at their house, their dog wakes me up in the night, Bethany wakes up Kodie and then leaves him upset and crying.  Their fence is not designed to keep a small dog in so he'll be stuck on his leash and me with it.  My granddaughter is prone to tantrums and doesn't want to mind.  Coupled with my medical problems making it hard for me to get on the floor and play with them, it's going to be tough.  It'd be easier if my DIL wasn't coming home every night because she isn't particularly nice to me and sometimes not to my son either.  I know she has problems but it's hard to live with...harder yet to see my son in.  So I hope for the best, that I can have some good time in with the grandkids, that Bruno doesn't attack Kodie, that there's stuff on my diet I can eat.  Gosh I'm getting old and stuck in my ways!

Karen, I'm sorry for yesterday...and a few days from now, George's death day is just five days after his birthday (Father's Day being the day he died, I get double whammied) so I know how hard having those days so close together are.  I cannot imagine the pain of losing your child AND your spouse, either one is more than tough enough.  Just know you're in our thoughts and prayers, we care about you here and wish there were some way to help...but we all know there's no "fixing" this. 

 

[MartyT]

I'm so sorry, Kay, that your hands are hurting so. Having gone through recent surgeries on both my hands, I know first-hand how challenging it can be. It's a wonder to me that you still do all that you do ~ including typing on a computer keyboard (unless you have one of those voice-to-text programs ~ none of which worked for me).

It seems to me that spending a four-day weekend with your son and his family is more than you're able to bear right now. I hope you can shorten your stay by a day or two without offending anyone. (I also know how tricky it can be when a married son must put the needs and wants of his wife ahead of his mother's. Not easy for you, I know . . .) ♥️

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

My fear is that it will not get better...it has been unrelenting for four months now.  Constant pain/numbness, pretty severe.  Sometimes it's hard to hold a cup.  Weedwhacking, lawnmowing, is out.  It's hard to vacuum or walk Kodie.

So sorry you're dealing with this hand discomfort.  Our old bodies, mine is older than yours, doesn't seem to care we are alone with all the same chores needing to get done.  I know cutie Kodie doesn't understand your discomfort either.  I used to feel so depressed when I had to stop walking Maddie.  Those beautiful brown eyes made me want to cry when she would stand at the end of driveway and look down the street and then at me.  At least you still have the energy and strength to get Kodie's walk in.

I hear you with your concerns about spending time away from home.  My daughter wants me to come for a visit and all I can do is think about all the reasons I don't want to go even though  I can go easily now that I don't have to worry about Maddie.  We do get set in our daily routines as the years pass.   The double edged sword is our need to spend time with the grand kids since they grow up so quickly.  Good luck with your plans.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I don’t know anything akin to visiting kids and grandkids, but it sure sounds like it is going to be so stressful on you, Kay.  Family ties are tight and I know there are obligations and desires.  I can’t presume to know how you feel, but I do feel the same as Dee that maybe you could make it Shorter?  Just by your description I would  be in knots of anticipation.  Or maybe go on Thursday and not have a committal to how long you stay?  Like I said, I know nothing of these situations so I’m just looking from the outside of what you have experienced before.

[kayc]

I can't cut the trip short because I'm there to take care of the kids...she has a special work commitment and right now my son is putting in 80 hours a week on deadlines, I'm sure a lot of things got behind some during this work from home time, he's back at Garmin now.  It's a hard time to try and find sitters right now!

 

[Gwenivere]

I was out today and met the greatest puppy.  A4 month old husky with the traditional blue eyes.  Fir a brief time I was the center of her universe.  She even shook already.  The guy she owned must have been waiting for someone in the store.  When I broke away I felt so sad about Ally.  I thought about Dee's Maddie and 3 other dogs lost of people I know this last month.  While I have logistics in place, it will be my first loss of a baby without Steve.   I have so much ambivalence about it.  Anger I don’t know where to direct.  I scared her and I as i lost my temper big time trying to give her the meds she takes in the evening.  I guess I felt pulled back to being a nurse to our dog we lost just before I lost Steve and that horrid time.  I’m trying to take care of me too this time.  Resources are slim.I talked with some people at the community center where they give out meals.  Didn’t want to come home.  Wanted to be with people but they all had places to go.  So I came home to the aloneness yet again.  I know this means going to bed and doing it all over in the morning.  It’s supposed to be date night.  I’ve spent it changing light bulbs, filling pill boxes and lost in times that were.  Covid or not, it’s not Saturday night anymore.  They’re all the same.  He’s missing.  I hurt.  Guess it’s back to iPad games til sleep.  I have recollections of fun nights.  Nights you didn’t want to end.  This all cost too much and I don’t remember agreeing to it.i wishthere was an esape clause.

[KarenK]

Most times, it doesn't matter to me what day it is. Wednesday is grocery ads and Thursday is new beads to peruse at my online store. Past that, nothing is important except in prime tv season when I have a few favorite shows. Not much to base a life on. With all you have going on, you probably base yours on medical stuff. No way to base a life either. I'm dropping Netflix at the end of the month. There's nothing more I want to watch even in the upcoming stuff.

The husky sounds really cute. I've always wanted one, but will settle for Marley's part husky. The humane society had one when I adopted her. It was 6 mo. old and huge already. Too much dog for me.

[Kieron]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

.i wishthere was an esape clause.

Don't know how many times I have thought some variation of this, especially when it feels like there is nothing to look forward to.

[widow'15]

11 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I was out today and met the greatest puppy.  A4 month old husky with the traditional blue eyes.  Fir a brief time I was the center of her universe.  She even shook already.  The guy she owned must have been waiting for someone in the store.  When I broke away I felt so sad about Ally.  I thought about Dee's Maddie and 3 other dogs lost of people I know this last month.  While I have logistics in place, it will be my first loss of a baby without Steve.   I have so much ambivalence about it.  Anger I don’t know where to direct.  I scared her and I as i lost my temper big time trying to give her the meds she takes in the evening.  I guess I felt pulled back to being a nurse to our dog we lost just before I lost Steve and that horrid time.  I’m trying to take care of me too this time.  

Gwen:  I feel your sadness as you face Ally's decline alone and losing your temper when you are trying so hard to make her remaining time comfortable as well as to live longer.  I experienced that frustration with Maddie many times.  She was never  a cooperative pill taker until you had shared how peanut butter was the answer.  After that information, I was able to pill her successfully.  When she was in the beginning of her treatments I had to have her medications compounded into a liquid.  There were times I sat with tears in my eyes begging her to eat or to take her meds;  she almost seemed to understand my pleading and would gingerly eat a little.

This morning as I was having my coffee I flipped on the television and briefly watched the Purina Incredible Dog Challenge until I couldn't see because tears were flooding down my face.  Looking at those amazing animals and their owners enjoying their lives only makes my sadness more intense without Maddie.   I understand your feeling of coming home alone with your worries about Ally facing you.

I may have shared this previously, sorry if I did.  During the weeks after Maddie left I closed myself off from the world and spent the following weeks reading all I could find about losing a pet.  I came across this entry on the Grief Forum and it spoke to me directly.  Hope this helps you, Gwen.

Grief Speaks “It may be a cat, a bird, a ferret, or a guinea pig, but the chances are high that when someone close to you dies, a pet will be there to pick up the slack. Pets devour the loneliness. They give us purpose, responsibility, a reason for getting up in the morning, and a reason to look to the future. They ground us, help us escape the grief, make us laugh, and take full advantage of our weakness by exploiting our furniture, our beds, and our refrigerator. We wouldn't have it any other way. Pets are our seat belts on the emotional roller coaster of life--they can be trusted, they keep us safe, and they sure do smooth out the ride.”

― Nick Trout, Tell Me Where It Hurts: A Day of Humor, Healing and Hope in My Life as an Animal Surgeon

Hugs and good thoughts to you, Ally and Melody.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

And another day begins with no escape.  Nothing to look forward to and seeing Ally didn’t eat much breakfast. Wind up the worry meter.  Heat is ramping up.  Pain is still barely tolerable.  My 'plans' for the week are 5 Zoom calls, only one being social.  Don’t feel I can discuss Ally with the gal as she will talk about ending it and I want to have that kind of discussion with someone extremely close to me that I don’t have.  

Thank you, Dee for your so understanding reply.  The quote is so true!  I’m sorry about the dog show.  I know my seeing dog stuff is gonna tear me up and I’m pretty shredded already.  But she’s still here so I know (thanks to other dogs and Steve) I’m not even close to the true impact.

 I feel in a gray zone between the people that end things almost like it’s an inconvenience, tho it’s really they want to stop suffering before it starts, and those that hold on too long.  I need to message my buddy that lost his this week because of finding cancer they saw no signs of. I don’t understand how it got found at a dental cleaning.  He said they didn’t know he was sick.  Yet they let him go.  I’m perplexed.  Plus lining up puppies in a day.  

I guess this really should be posted in thecpet forum, but I don’t know those people as my family here.  For those this is unrelatable or off topic for here, I apologize.  Will try and keep it briefer.

Only have a couple escape trips today.  A paper and the church.  The home to shower and sit.  I dread talking to my shrink tomorrow.  Have to play a good prisoner to his power over my meds.  Thatvmakes me want to cry.  I miss my old docs that were my partners and didn’t grill me.  I always feel like I am in court talking to him.  That I have no other source depresses me.  I’m going to try and be grateful it is a Zoom call and not in person.  It’s so odd not to want to show your tears to a mental health person.  But he is so cold tho he says he understands.  It’s contradictory.

as always, I am so focused on how if Steve were here that every single thing I am juggling would be cut in half or more.  How much easier it would be to accept this is life now.  It’s running it’s course as it would.   I never anticipated becoming a tamtrum throwing child again.  But I can’t hold my breath and guilt life to give in.  

 

[Margm]

40 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

guess this really should be posted in thecpet forum, but I don’t know those people as my family here.  For those this is unrelatable or off topic for here, I apologize.  Will try and keep it briefer.

You post it where "your family" can read it.  We are your family.  You  posted it where it belonged.

[widow'15]

46 minutes ago, Marg M said:

You post it where "your family" can read it.  We are your family.  You  posted it where it belonged.

Marg, Thank you for saying that cause that is exactly how I feel regarding Gwen's apology.  Maybe some day I will be able to share my loss of my Maddie on the Pet Loss Forum, but not just yet.  So thank you.  Dee

[Margm]

No thanks needed.  Your fur babies are your families.  I don't have one, but I have a half-human grand-fur-baby.  In fact, I would like to see more humans be as "human" as Kelli's Nawlin's is.  She is 10 years old and when Kelli shears her fur down to where most pups wear theirs, Nawlin's looks up to me like "see what she did, now please wrap me in a blanket."  I talk about my kids, my grandkids, your fur babies are your family.  We talk family here.

[kayc]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

For those this is unrelatable or off topic for here, I apologize.  Will try and keep it briefer.

No, it's perfectly fine for you to post your journey here amongst all your friends.  We are all family and help each other through our day to day struggles and grief.  You were all with me as I went through Arlie's journey into the next world.  They caught his cancer also when he was going to go for a dental cleaning...did the labs and when they got them back they said he'd never make it through anything...they caught NOTHING two weeks before at his physical.  I don't get it either.

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Just know you aren't alone in it, we love you.

[Gwenivere]

❤️❤️❤️ All of you!  ❤️❤️❤️

[Gwenivere]

I’m really getting worried about Ally.  She’s very picky about food, if she eats at all, and restless.  I called the mobile vet once since she was here and afraid to again as this may be what I truly dread.  She’s on antibiotics so I keep praying that is what’s bothering her.  I’m torn today because my protector side says to call but I also have to talk with my shrink for my meds for the anxiety disorder and play humble to his power over me.  I’m also in more pain from sleeping in a weird position.  Sick to my stomach from gawd knows what.  I accidentally took more thyroid meds this morning so hoping that doesn’t mess me up more.  Last thing I need is something stimulating to my already heightened stress level.  I don’t have enough arms to carry this many swords.  I’m 2 short and I know where they went 5 years ago.  

Bracing for a heat wave too.  In the past it seemed simpler with the portable AC.  Didn’t have a crippling back and all the othe worries.  No frigging covid either which really ha nothing to do with it, but I’m pissed about it anyway.  I was at the church yesterday to pickup a meal as I donate to them and there was a couple, maybe 3, people not waiting properly, no masks, trying to get more food while so many were waiting.  The church people even got annoyed and had to tell them to back off for safety and if they wanted more would have to wait til they were packing up for anything leftover.  I was turning down things so others could have them.  Basically wanted a sandwich and chips.  I had wondered if I deserved to take anything, but my counselor said despite the checks I send them, it was a good opportunity for social connections as I talk to more people as I see them every weekend now.  Most from the two tent cities right by it. I kinda feel I belong with them.  Seems arrogant to say since I have a house, but I do see other women drive there and take things home.  Their faces look lonely like mine.  I could be projecting, but they only take one meal.  Decent SUV's.  I cannot imagine having to live in tents and have no finances if I needed something.  It’s a very conflicting feeling when I am with them as they don’t have something I do.....loneliness.  They are a tight knit community.  Helping each other.  The caring there I see is amazing.  If you did feel down, there are so many to turn to.

this is truly the most confusing and challenging time in my entire life.  It is influenced by medications and loss.  Knowing I am not thinking as I used to and that really bothers me the most.  Having to rely solely on myself when I’m not myself could make me make decisions that aren’t  the best.  Doesn’t matter about a salad dressing, but it does about my dogs life or treatments for me.  I wouldn’t have Steve make them, but we all know how we miss having them to help us.  How we might do more if we had the help.  How we’d make hard choices sounding off each other.  

Everyvday I don’t know what to do to live this life left to me.  Every single job that was part of that relationship is gone.  I’m doing things I never would have to fill gaps that really can’t be.  I’m aware I’m fooling myself.  There’s so little to do now.  At the nursing home, we all felt better about the people that didn’t know they were mentally compromised.  It was the ones that did that suffered so much more.  I get it now more powerfully than I ever did.

 

 

[Margm]

Working nights at the University Hospital, all the sad cases came in.  People taking care of older relatives would drop them in the ER so they could go to whatever holiday party was happening.  

More than one night this beautiful, long haired blond man would be brought in, in handcuffs.  He was preaching.  He thought he was Jesus.  Hurt my heart so bad for him to be taken back to the ER, bring in the shrink on board and tell him he was not Jesus, he was just some schizophrenic low life that needed to take his medicine.  

Little woman came in once, tiny little black woman, held her purse in her hands up against her chest.  Walking fast.  Called the doc's down.  Just happened to be two that were fighting over one wife of one of them.  Fist flying.  Little black woman comes out even faster "I'm getting away from here, they crazier than I am."

One holiday this old black fellow was bothering no one.  He was sleeping in one of the old fashioned wheelchairs with a high back.  He slept there so long someone finally checked on him.  He was permanently asleep, but he looked so happy in sleep.  

I got to see the underbelly of life working in a hospital at night.  One admissions clerk was yelling at a crying man and woman "you knew that baby was dead when you brought him in here."  They had gotten drunk, I guess smothered the baby.  No sympathy, all life or death business.  I don't know what lesson it taught me, but I sure got to see a lot of sad and sometimes funny things.  Only spent seven years on nights.  It was enough.  

Mine and Billy's life/marriage-long friends, he is in the nursing home.  A stroke has him bedridden.  Their anniversary came up and I think she got to look at him through a plexiglass partition.  We are here till we aren't. 

[Gwenivere]

I remember reading a book called Bellevue as a teen about a hospital in NY.  One case was a guy who was complaining about a pain in his back and when instructed to sit and wait they saw a knife there when he turned.  I can only imagine what they see in ER's.  I know the burn out rate is high there.  I can see why.  The pressure and patient impatience, sure know I got it all the time.  Now with the virus it is so much worse.  More stuff to do when they were dashing about before.  Now no one wants to go there.  Not that we ever wanted to before , but it’s so dangerous.  The last time I went the nurses wouldn’t come in the room unless it was absolutely necessary.  It was all intercom.  

[kayc]

Marg, you've sure seen a lot in life.  No wonderful you can spin colorful tales...all of them true and spellbinding.

Gwen, I hope Ally starts feeling better, how much longer does she have to be on antibiotics?  Please don't feel bad for taking a meal, you aren't able to cook for yourself with all you are going through and deserve a bit of help and definitely the social interaction as well as anyone! 
We've had the heat wave since Sunday, will last through today, then drop down to 80 or below.  Will be glad for the relief.  When I get back from my sons it will be back into the 80s and as I won't have been here for a few days to open the windows at night, the house will be an oven.  Not looking forward to that!

Went to the doctor yesterday, will copy from my conversation with Tachi (Scott) so as not to rewrite it...

34 minutes ago, kayc said:

A neighbor's dog (a chow named Joe) I've been walking for ten months bit me over a month ago.  The doctor said the pain I'm still having is due to an inflamed bone and it should improve with time.  That was good to know!  The numbness/pain in my right hand (unrelenting) she's going to refer me to a Neurologist for a battery of tests.  Yay.  A friend of mine has been going through it for two years and they made her go to physical therapy (100-120 mile round trip) and have sent her to different doctors, still no real diagnosis or help.  Hence why I've procrastinated starting the process for four months, that and the pandemic.  Who knows what the cost will be?  If I could live with it I would.  May have to anyway from the sounds of it.  Back is doing well, got my stitches out (both from melanoma and a core for biopsy) but the hand still has some healing to do, the back a little bit.  So continuing to bandage.  My hands are a mess!  Too bad we need them so much!

[Margm]

51 minutes ago, kayc said:

both from melanoma and a core for biopsy)

Kay, you don't mention it, so will have to conclude they got all edges and results were negative.  I'm hoping that is why you didn't mention it.  

 

[Gwenivere]

I, too, hope they got everything, Kay.  Are the people that own the dog that bit you helping on fees?

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

tomorow I am letting Ally get her wings.  It’s time and the hardest thing I’ve done since losing Steve.  The virus complicates what is already  an emotional time.  My cousin said she will be on the phone with me and 2 others have offered support where needed.  I know this is the ultimate act of my love for her.  My buddies and Dee helped me see I can’t be selfish about this for Ally's sake.  I can’t say anymore right now.  I’m numb and swallowed in pain already.  I don’t know how I will sleep and wake up knowing this awaits us.

🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

[scba]

I'm so sorry Gwen. I don't know what to say. 

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I know this is the ultimate act of my love for her.

Gwen:  Such a difficult decision but only you and your heart know why you had to make this decision.  Will be keeping you and Ally in my thoughts.  Love you.  Dee😢

[MartyT]

Know that we are hurting with you, Gwen, as you guide your beloved Ally to her eternal rest ~ your final act of love for her. We've all been where you are, and we know how much this hurts. Sending love and thoughts of comfort and peace to your broken heart . . . ♥️

[Margm]

Gwen, I don't want to say the wrong thing, and I'm afraid I might.  You see your loved one hurting and you are going to give her relief.  I hate that you have to give her up, but you are keeping her from hurting anymore, and that is a selfless act.  I'm sorry for your pain.