My Sanity Needed Vents

[widow'15]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

They cut deep and long for melanoma, no freezing!  I have about 2 1/2" scar from my last one and this one is bigger.

kayc: I am assuming this is on your leg?  Dee

[kayc]

No, my back.  My last one was on my upper arm.

[KarenK]

Kay, so sorry for this lousy news. Is it possible for your daughter or son to give you a hand for a few days?

I have always had a lot of mole type things on my back and chest. Genetically blessed, I guess. I go for a checkup once a year, especially since I can't see most of them. What I can see looks questionable to me, but he always says they are nothing to worry about. Have only had one melanoma removed many years ago.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

[MartyT]

58 minutes ago, KarenK said:

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Yes, Kay ~ we're ALL keeping you close ❤️

[Gwenivere]

Kay, I’ll be thinking of you come early July.  I hate long waits.  Too much time to think about it.  Then the time comes and I think, this should have been over weeks ago.  Who will be taking you?  Will this affect your sleeping?  We all have our favorite positions.  Do you have to go back or do they put in disolable stitches?  Staples guarantee having to go back in.  I’m not familiar with up on this kind of surgery.  I’d guess they’d want to see if they got it all.  They’d want to follow up all surgeries. My brain is running on stupid today.  

[widow'15]

Yes,  kayc, in our thoughts.  Good that you stayed on top of the follow up appointment.  Dee

[kayc]

They don't put you totally out so I should be able to drive myself, if not I'll have my friend Laurel do the honors.  I have to go back to get the stitches out but my own PCP can do that for nothing, learned the hard way, last time went to the Dermatologist and they charged me a $35 copay again.  They probably want me to come in again in three months again.  I don't want to during the winter, never know what the roads/snow will be like.  That's why I had an appt. for April but this pandemic messed that up.

Karen, my kids are both working, can't get off.

[Gwenivere]

Found a huge trigger yesterday, didn’t even think about it until after and why I was feeling so unsettled.  It’s silly to anyone not in our position.  I went to check out a new fancy grocery store, the kind with expensive stuff because it’s more natural and caters to people who like paying twice the amount for stuff.  I’m a regular chain market shopper.  Doesn’t cost to look and see how much people were overpaying.  A little game I could play.  The hitch was it opened where an Albertsons that was my go to store until they closed it.  This morning I woke up thinking about how It replaced where I did most of our shopping. Where I typically stopped everyday on the way home from volunteering. Where I bought 99%of Steve’s Mountain Dew and Coke’s.  Little cakes for his birthday an flowers for the table.  It had a branch of our bank.  I knew all the employees.  Bought his Sunday BBQ meats from.  Bought Lotto tickets, did banking and rented movies.  It was like a death when it closed and now it’s replaced with this shiny new place that is totally alien.  It makes me......mad as well as sad.  The old place closed shortly after Steve died.  Sat vacant and chained up.  Talk about being a crazy headed widow!  It fit how I felt.

So I get up and dressed and find one kid threw up on the newly cleaned carpets (there goes the back for the day) and an email from a woman I always talk to on Sunday afternoon on Zoom now instead of in person.  She tells me she has 2 other calls to do and ours will be short because she will be 'Zoomed out', but she knows it’s one of my very few social outlets (true) and she has a big cooking job for their dinner.

OK, I’m all for honesty, but am I being too sensitive to feeling like a charity case for talking to?  We definitely have boundaries regarding grief she doesn’t understand and differences in fur baby styles.  I know she thinks I am over dramatic about being widowed.  Doesn’t treat my babies like she overdoes hers.  She also doesn’t understand the life altering pain I am in constantly and feels I should upend my life easily and have all these surgeries.  She doesn’t get she has a full life going.  Some bumps in the road getting older, but nothing like this.  I know she feels I should have let my elder dog go as she has health problems and poops In the house sometimes.  That she, the dog, is still eating, patrolling her turf and makes friends with people and is content tells me absolutely not.  She also says 'put them down' unlike Donna’s beautiful saying of getting wings or mine of letting them go.  She’s hard in her choice of words.  She recently lost a dog herself and within days had another puppy doodle on order.  Her life is so organized with purpose and meaning.  It’s no wonder we can’t really connect.

Is it just me, but I think there are times to alter how I express things or omit them if I feel they might be upsetting to the recipient?  I also don’t offer opinions unless asked.  If I were to adopt her style I’d say don’t bother to call, I see I’m not that important and a task for you.  I don’t want to tell you about what’s really going on with me because I need to feel like I matter and you don’t help me feel that.

i keep the connection because she is needed for emergencies with the kids.  What does that say about me?  Desperation in loneliness?  I don’t know how I feel about me now.  So I’ll listen politely about her stuff.  Play down mine.  Will have a good cry later.  Maybe call my cousin as she actually likes talking to me no matter what.  I talked to a resident at Foss last night.  He likes me too.  No judgements.

have any of you had to be someone else just fior a connection?  If so, how does it make you feel?

 

 

[Margm]

Gwen, I'm afraid this quarantine is pushing me downhill.  I don't have a word salad in me right now..  Hope that changes.  I see my family.  I talk on FB, but mostly posting memories that come up I had years ago.  That's just how it is right now.  Not scared of the virus but wish I could go fishing.  Just like everything else, have to stay close to house necessity.  I read a lot.

[KarenK]

Gwen, my big question was going to be "Why is she considered a friend?" . I guess you answered that with her being a solution to pet emergencies, but is that enough to allow her to be disrespectful to you? I don't think so. A friend has things in common with you. A friend does not set content limits on your conversation. As for a time limit, she could have waited and during the conversation mentioned she had to cut it short, not make it sound like she is your drink of water in the desert! A friend may criticize you, but constructively and not with malice! A friend offers sympathy and love. A friend understands.

Can you tell I don't like this woman or the way she treats you?? I've said my piece. I'll shut up now.

[widow'15]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

have any of you had to be someone else just for a connection?  If so, how does it make you feel?

Gwen: Unfortunately I think all of us have had to make the decision how to handle a connection relationship.   I know I experienced a long time relationship with someone since high school, and all of a sudden the connection broke.  To this day I don't know what changed, but it did.   Since high school we used to talk on the phone sometimes for hours - usually because she felt it necessary to relive her high school years.  Even though I understood her need due to her choices in life, I would let the long telephone conversations go on and on.  I had found my happy marriage, and she had walked away from her marriage.   I tried to be her long distance friend, but suddenly it was evident she wasn't interested in continuing.  I removed her from my Facebook Friends so I wouldn't have to see her posts and comments.  Once that was done, I felt peace inside me.  I should have blocked her phone number in my smart phone cause she has texted me twice with updates on a classmates passing and another classmate's health.  Have blocked her phone number now.

I may be misreading your pain, but I wonder if her decision to replace her fur baby so quickly could be causing you distress.  Last week, my husband's  92 year old aunt called to chat and I shared with her that I had to let my Maddie go.  Her response to my news was,  "Are you going to get another dog?"  Those words really hurt cause I knew I could never replace something so dear to me.  I had to remind myself that she was 92 years old and not that much into dogs, although she did know how much I loved my Maddie.  I just told her,  "No, I'm too old to have the responsibility of caring for a dog.  It wouldn't be fair to get another dog."

I hope my response makes sense to you.  Hugs, Dee

 

 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

A friend does not set content limits on your conversation. As for a time limit, she could have waited and during the conversation mentioned she had to cut it short, not make it sound like she is your drink of water in the desert! A friend may criticize you, but constructively and not with malice! A friend offers sympathy and love. A friend understands.

Can you tell I don't like this woman or the way she treats you?? I've said my piece. I'll shut up now.

I’m the one that set content limits because I didn’t want to be judged or given answers to things she didn’t understand.  I totally agree with your definition of a friend.  That is why I don’t describe her that way.  I always refer to her as a 'woman I know' or an 'acquaintance'. I think she has traces of asbergers.  If it were me I wouldn’t have even mentioned the 2 other calls as a reason for being short.  I would have done as you said and said I, unfortunately, needed to keep it short today.  I’d never want someone to feel they were a charity chat.  And yes, I can tell you don’t care for her.  We get along about politics, entertainment, share cooking tips, etc.  that’s good enough.  I do feel she would help in a dog crisis.  

 

5 hours ago, widow'15 said:

 may be misreading your pain, but I wonder if her decision to replace her fur baby so quickly could be causing you distress. 

Those words really hurt cause I knew I could never replace something so dear to me. 

I hope my response makes sense to you.  Hugs, Dee

It is alien to me to lose a beloved companion and immediately buy another one.  I was alone with Ally after losing Steve and Belle a couple months apart.  I git Melody 2 months after he left as the opportunity presented itself.  I understand wanting to have your family unit the count it was, but she knows nothing about losing half the core.  

I do understand why your aunts words would hurt you.  I am bracing for hearing the same.  People that don’t have beloved companions, not just a dog or cat, don’t get it just like they don’t get losing a partner.  It’s a lonely place to be and we can only talk with others that have experienced it.  

Your response make perfect sense.  Also about your once friend that you had to remove from your life.  I have one of those too.  I miss the woman I knew, but she changed into someone I didn’t and didn’t fit with me anymore.  I miss her from time to time.  Last I heard she wanted to make a better effort.  Not a peep since.  

Thanks to you all for the input.  I feel more valued now.  💖

[KarenK]

After I wrote that, I thought maybe I'd been too harsh. After all, who am I to judge. I just didn't like that she made you feel unimportant. That's happened to me one too many times. Guess that's why I have no friends. Too risky and hurtful.

[Gwenivere]

I know what you meant, Karen.  Yes, friendships are risky.  I never expected that the 3 close ones I had in my life, not counting Steve, would end.  I thought bonds like that were unbreakable.  .i felt so fortunate having 3.  There’s always been casual people in my life, but some imposters that I let get to me.  I’ve learned from that and now I have no friends anymore in person.  I’ve grown close to some here and at the nursing home.  Actually I do have one guy I’m pretty sure would help me with emergencies.  It’s so odd how full my life felt a mere 5 years ago.  It’s like someone pulled the plug and my life tub drained away.  

I’m used to not feeling important now.  Kinda comes with the territory these days.  Has been going in for a long time, just more aware of it more now that I need help facing med crap.  Seems there is never a break.  Was going to try and rest my back yesterday but one of the dogs threw up so my first task after getting dressed was getting out the shop vac to clean my only 2 day steam cleaned carpets.  Wish I could have called a friend.  

If you are fortunate to have one, cherish them.

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

have any of you had to be someone else just fior a connection?  If so, how does it make you feel?

Yes...there was a neighbor down the street years ago and we became friends.  We took care of each other's dogs and that was necessary for me because there is no kennel in this town and Arlie was "special needs" but I always had his food portioned out with his medicines and tried to make it easy when he had to care for him.  I also looked after his place when he was gone.  It didn't take long to realize that he was not really friendship material.  He would say bigoted things, constantly, things that went against my grain.  Constantly showing his ignorance.  Eventually the friendship fizzled out completely but I put up with him way longer than I would have liked.  It's very hard being in that situation when your fur baby needs that person in your life for whatever reasons and having to swallow what you'd like to say in return!  Very hard place to be.  They say beggars can't be choosers, and that kind of fit how it made me feel, (Oh God, my life has come to THIS?!!).  We instinctively want to hang up, leave, get away from them, cut them off, but instead feel stuck.  In your case your medical situation necessitates your hanging on by a thread with her.  It'd be easy for me to say, "Oh just dump her, you deserve a better person than that for a friend!"  But the truth is, with your life as it is, it's hard to FIND a new friend to replace her and you can know all these things with your head, that doesn't help you in the long haul.  It actually makes us feel worse being beholding to someone like that!  But unfortunately sometimes life dictates us going through crap with them we're rather not.  It's one thing to say, "I'd never be friends with that person," but when we're in that situation, not so easy to make a blanket statement like that!  The truth is, sometimes survival dictates we do things we wouldn't normally consider.  Maybe that's wisdom playing out, I don't know.

 

14 hours ago, Marg M said:

I don't have a word salad in me right now.

Ahh, Marg, that's kind of like Tigger losing his bounce!  Hope you start feeling better soon...hope life returns to some sort of normalcy soon too.  This is hard to take long term.

13 hours ago, KarenK said:

is that enough to allow her to be disrespectful to you? I don't think so.

I agree to a point but when we have no support system, it's amazing what we put up with.  I'd call her a contact or something rather than a friend, but that doesn't change anything other than how we look at it.  I'd like to slap the snot out of the woman and give her a piece of my mind!  But then they say that those who do that didn't have any extra piece to lose!  I think it's always harder to see those that we love mistreated more than it is for us to take it ourselves, I think that's true, I feel a lot of love and protection for Gwen...here is a place we've poured out hearts out daily for YEARS and really gotten to know each other, more so than in life friends sometimes!  The mother bear in me comes out and I want to grrr!

9 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I think she has traces of asbergers.

That explains a LOT!  My friend Jim is Asperger and once I knew that it helped me understand what he was capable of and what he was not.  They have a very hard time with social settings and even empathy responses can be affected.

Dee's perception struck me, I think you may be onto part of why we feel reactive to her...it is hard for me to bear someone's not feeling towards dogs, mine or otherwise, as I do.  It's like they downplay everything we feel!   

I read an article about friends once, it was really good.  It talked about paring down or weeding out those that no longer worked.  We feel obligated to be their friend for life just because life threw us together in high school 50 years ago.  Not so!  Sometimes our lives take different turns, different experiences, and it's no longer a good connection for the two of us.  We send Christmas cards once a year and call it good.

It's also weird how quickly our life CAN turn upside down and friends suddenly drop like flies.  Many of us realized that when our spouse died...and little would we have expected that!

 

 

[Gwenivere]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

But unfortunately sometimes life dictates us going through crap with them we're rather not.  It's one thing to say, "I'd never be friends with that person," but when we're in that situation, not so easy to make a blanket statement like that!  The truth is, sometimes survival dictates we do things we wouldn't normally consider.

I   think it's always harder to see those that we love mistreated more than it is for us to take it ourselves, I think that's true, I feel a lot of love and protection for Gwen...

That explains a LOT !  My friend Jim is Asperger and once I knew that it helped me understand what he was capable of and what he was not.  They have a very hard time with social settings and even empathy responses can be affected.

 We feel obligated to be their friend for life just because life threw us together in high school 50 years ago.  Not so!  Sometimes our lives take different turns, different experiences, and it's no longer a good connection for the two of us.  We send Christmas cards once a year and call it good.

 This relationship is definitely part of my survival.  I do have to say the Sunday chats are helpful in its limits because I need to talk to someone I don’t pay once a week.  If Steve was here I could take it or leave it.  Contact is a good description.  You’re right that we can often see others being bullied than ourselves.  That’s why I value all of your opinions.  You only hear my side tho.  I try and be as honest as possible of what occurs on both sides.   Nina is not an affectionate person that I have ever seen.  I’ve never seen her even tear up.  Empathy is not a word I would use in describing her ever.  She excels in research, planning and getting a job done.  Social situations make her very nervous.  

The 3 best friends I have had I expected to last my whole life.  They were that tight for a long time.  It’s not unusual to hear people are friends since childhood.  But not everyone falls into the best friend importance.  I’ve known many people that I knew were not forever people and we didn’t have the 'magic' between us.  I accepted them as it was.  So when they ended I was not devastated.  

Thanks, Kay for caring so much to write what you did about love and affection.   That means so much.

I had my vein scan today.  The tech was great and we both commented that if we were closer in age we would probably be friends.  She knew her stuff and it only took a bit over an hour, not the 2+ hours they told me.  Unfortunately, it did flare up the stenosis and I came home to clean up where Melody threw up AGAIN.  2nd morning she’s done that.  It was still early in the afternoon so I went out to get some microwave Mac and cheese and the one I had the seal had broken and it was swollen.  So into the trash for that.  I had thawed some veggies to mix in so wanted to get it split for 2 meals.  Anyway, lots of activity I wasn’t used to.  There was a message for me from the back surgeon to call to set a date.  Have to write him and say I’m still undecided.  I need a break from that pressure and want to find out these test results.  The tech said she didn’t see anything serious so I don’t know where it goes from here.  She said it really looked cellulitis.  She would know doing this every day.  I just need to set up a call with my doc.  That’s about all I can handle at this point.  I cancelled the steroid injection for Wednesday.  

I was looking at myself in the mirror getting dressed and said 'I hate getting old'.  It’s just so frustrating when in my head I feel so much younger and think of all the things I could be doing if this damned pain wasn’t so intense.  I can do some, but others are either impossible or too costly later.  Wish I could 'flop' down on the couch or bed, not have it be a frigging ritual.  

Next up is trying to get my hair cut.  That will help with showers and in general.  The cheap places are booking instead of walk ins.  They won’t let me book for a few days later which I don’t understand at all.  It has to be that day and since I get up at noon, everything is gone.  If I thought I could make sense at 8-9am when I get up to let the dogs out I’d call.  Just have to wait out the crowds. We are looking at going to phase 2 so more people will be hitting them.  I’m so sick of masks and not being able to really see people.  Heck, I’m sick of everything.  

[Kieron]

I hadn't said anything on this til now but I do understand and have "been there, done that" more than once.  I'm naturally an introvert by nature so I don't make friends easily, and prefer a few close ones rather than a ton of acquaintances.  It's hard to let people go when your life takes a different turn, not when you don't have that many to begin with!

I have some friends who were invaluable help putting Mark's memorial together, and I owe them a ton, so I put up with their endless complaints about their living situation and downstairs neighbor for 5+ years.  You'd think they would have moved away by now as they keep threatening to do, but whatever... I just smile and nod and try to change the subject after awhile.  So am I being dishonest, in a way, by keeping my true opinion to myself?  I haven't figured that one out.  Or refraining from saying "Will you two just move already!  it would ease your anxiety if you didn't have such a bigoted neighbor living right below you!"  But people are people... you have to pick your battles.

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

She excels in research, planning and getting a job done.  Social situations make her very nervous.  

Typical of aspies.  My Jim is a perfectionist, very smart, but social situations bring out extreme anxiety in him!  He will cry for K-pop singers that commit suicide yet can't seem to understand/relate to people close to him sometimes, saying the wrong thing when it'd be better to say nothing at all.  I learned to take his outspoken statements with a grain of salt, viewing it like an impediment or something.

 

3 hours ago, Kieron said:

you have to pick your battles.

So true.  My son is one of the wisest people I've ever met and that is something he ascribes to.  Sometimes I feel he doesn't pick his battles enough, but that is a personal choice we can only decide for ourselves.  What he puts up with I would not, but I'm more of a fighter, I blame it on being a preemie! 

 

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Thanks, Kay for caring so much to write what you did about love and affection.   That means so much.

That made me tear up.  I often feel those I am closest to are here, and my church.  My sister says this pandemic is the hardest thing she's been through (she's forgotten the last couple of years with her crushed vertebrae and coming back from the brink of death)...I don't think this is the hardest, the hardest was losing George, then losing Arlie, and the storm we had 1 1/2 years ago slides in there too, being 100% cut off from the world!  That and hearing trees and branches crashing down all around me in pitch black for several nights in a row.  All alone.  I never want to repeat any of that!  I guess I'm a survivor.  I still don't know for the life of me how I managed to clear all the trees/branches away all by myself!  I am only 5'.  

Gwen, I hope you can get your hair cut soon.  I think your phases and ours must be different, we didn't have hair salons open until phase 2.  I'm worried they'll send us back to phase 1...our county jumped in deaths/cases overnight, still none in this area though, thankfully.  I'm very glad I don't live in a metropolis right now!  They have more access to help but they also fight more infections.  A friend I've known for years has been losing the battle to cancer and is in a care facility, Avamere, and they had a worker come down with COVID-19, with their ventilation systems I'm concerned about it spreading.  I spoke with her brother, he said they're being proactive, but still I'm worried, she's definitely susceptible!

[Gwenivere]

Since this pandemic started in a long term facility here, they are really into infection control.  Absolutely no people in or out except staff and lots of daily testing.  I, too, am concerned about phase 2 and I am desperate for more places to open.  But if it creates more cases because many people are lax, we could be set back to start over.  My understanding is it easier spread by touch.  Droplets do linger in air, but as long as the person with it wears a mask it should cut down on it substantially.  Now the virus is back in China with a variation which is scary since they had totally contained it.  One person spread it to 5 and there ya go.  It takes off to new hosts again.

Steve was my hardest loss, my mother, all our furry kids, my dad and a friend that disappeared into the streets of Portland 2 years ago I feel has died due to his circumstances.  Every death sucks a little more life out of me and I had gone to half of one losing Steve.  Watching the changes in Ally tears me up.  I’m so on edge that Melody doing that morning bile vomiting they do has me thinking she is sick with something serious.  

I called about an insurance charge I didn’t understand and things snowballed and found out I’m on the hook for $3000 for my rehab stay.  Talk about about blindsided.  I don’t know if this will be the same for the hospital where I was before transferred.  I cried thru my whole counseling session.  I can’t see anything to keep fighting for to stay here.  Day after day it’s something.  They didn’t find anything wrong after my vein scan, yet I’m still in  massive pain and obvious changes in my legs.  My doc said to go to urgent care if it continues.  I told him I’ve done that 3 times already and every time they were stumped and did nothing.  The only thing I keep getting offered is back surgery.  Don’t want it for the risks and being separated from my kids. Circumstances are different when this was discussed last year.  I also know more about outcomes which the docs don’t tell you.  Just like the injection they wanted to give me.  Both people I know that had them said they didn’t last long for the risk.  I’m just discouraged how more trapped I seem to be getting.

 I’m amazed all you have been thru, Kay and sound much better than I would.  You are a petite thing, ain’t ya?  One of my best friends was 4’11 and I was 5’11.  

 

[widow'15]

19 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I called about an insurance charge I didn’t understand and things snowballed and found out I’m on the hook for $3000 for my rehab stay.  Talk about about blindsided.  I don’t know if this will be the same for the hospital where I was before transferred.

Oh no Gwen:  What a disturbing situation for you.  Being blindsided describes an awful issue mildly.  I can only hope whoever you were speaking with was mistaken and that this will be rectified for you. 

Keeping you and Melody, and Ally in my thoughts. Hugs, Dee

[Gwenivere]

I wish it could be rectified, Dee.  But that is my insurance plan.  I only paid attention to deductibles.  I don’t pay for anything now (meds, routine copays, supplies),  but if I was in rehab again, the same rules would apply.  So that back surgery would cost me for that.  I just checked my hospital stay and will be hit for that too.  So 2 weeks there ought to be right up there too, if not more.  I thought the experience was nightmare enough, I was wrong.  This always illuminates to me how our health care system is in the dark ages compared to other countries.  There are times 'socialism' is a good thing where we are all equal.  It made me so sad when I dropped off a donation at a local church that feeds homeless on Sundays.  These people came from a tent city across the street and low income people that drove there toget meals to take home.  They would never get critical care if needed.  It isn’t right.  Hospitals have to provide emergency care, but they are not required to admit people with no way to pay.  I remember watching Jimmy Kimmel tearfully talk about his sons heart surgery (which requires 2 more thru his teens) and how he could afford it, but how wrong it was for a regular family.  I saw many children at this homeless camp.  Add the pandemic on top of it and it’s heartbreaking.

[Kieron]

Oh no.  😣  I know a few other people in a bind like this.  It's unconscionable and indeed a system from the dark ages.

[kayc]

For a country that is so progressive...we don't seem to be with medical care.  It shouldn't be just for the rich.  This is one of the reasons I'm dragging my feet about getting something done about my hand...I know they'll make me go the whole gamut and STILL not want to do anything!  I can't afford to be strung along with physical therapy that won't be covered not to mention the costly trips to town (100-120 miles), specialists, etc.  All to end up with still the same pain and no solution.  I know how it goes.  When I was working my ins. was better.  Medicare is good about writing off stuff they do cover but not what they don't.  They should be required to tell us up front (unless we're in a coma) what we'll be in for!

I'm sorry to hear about Melody, Gwen.  My puppy was doing that after he swallowed something he shouldn't and it scared me but I kept an eye on him for a couple of days and he quit.  What came to mind when he did it was obstruction because EVERYTHING goes into his mouth, but he's still peeing/pooping okay so that's a good sign.  Vets can be outrageously expensive and sometimes I feel like it's walking a high-wire because we want the best for our animals but we also know our pocketbook.  Yes, very tough growing old, esp. alone.

 

[Margm]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Every death sucks a little more life out of me

They are still planning our 60th class reunion.  I do not want to go.  With the loss of the last three friends, I don't have the heart.  I have long ago lost the sensitivity to what anyone would say about my cowardice.  I just prefer to remember what I prefer to remember, not what I have (so many others have) lost.  Yes, I am selfish.  

Daughter has a new PC she wants me to have.  I do okay with the old one.  Guess I will have to learn a new trick or two.