My Sanity Needed Vents

[MartyT]

Oh Kay! I'm so sorry this happened to you and your baby! Thank goodness the attack dog's owner took responsibility and got you both to the vet and back. (I hope Kodie's crying all the way home bothered that person as much as I'm sure it bothered you!) Sending hugs and healing thoughts to you and Kodie . . . ❤️

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I'm hoping and praying this doesn't scar Kodie psychologically...second attack by their dogs on him.  I don't understand, he's just the sweetest little puppy!  This was a very traumatic event for us both.

OMG, Kay.  I’ve been in that situation with a neighbors dog hell bent on killing our dog at the time and breaking a chain for an attack.  Lacerations on our dog, me banged up trying to restrain it by the chain.  Owner sauntering done while I’m screaming.  Had to let our dog go on a busy street and hope she didn’t get hit by a car.  Guy never said a word and took his dog.  Vet visit and had to call Animal Control.  His daughter finally paid me for the expenses.  

This was an aggressive dog made more do by being chained up.  It was a chow and they are bred to be that way if not socialized.   I can’t help but blame the dog emotionally, but the real responsibility goes to the owner.

I hope Kodie will recover quickly.  Physically he will over time, but psychologically he may be traumatized.  With good reason.  Our dog never wanted to pass that house again, neither did I.  Had to modify our route.  

Take care of you both.  I’m so sorry this happened to you both.  ❤️

[KarenK]

Kay, I'm so sorry. I hope little Kodie will recover quickly. How is your arm? You may have to carry pepper spray or a big stick on your walks. Sad that you live where there are bears and cougars and yet you have to protect yourselves from a mean dog. Who knows what the crazy dog was thinking? Definitely needs to be restrained. The chow next door was friendly as a puppy, but seemed to grow mean as it got older. Always barks like it wants to tear your throat out when you step outside.

[widow'15]

9 hours ago, kayc said:

He had menacing in his eyes and had one mission, to attack Kodie.  He swooped him up in his mouth and shook him violently, over and over and over and over again!  It felt like an eternity! 

kayc:  Reading this tragedy to sweet Kodie has me in tears.  I so hope you both recover from this horrible day.  Please know you both are in my thoughts.  Dee

[kayc]

Thank you, all of you, it really has been hard to go through, especially alone.  I ordered some Halt Spray, should be here Saturday.  I let everyone on FB know I'll be carrying it (friendly warning).  The owners accepted responsibility and felt terrible, they trusted their dog as he'd never done this before.  I told them he had malice in his eyes and went straight for him!  It was all so quick, you don't have time to think!  We were walking back from Kodie's play date.  The owners have assured me they will not allow this to occur again, they'd better not! 

There is mandatory reporting in my county when there's a dog bite and they talked to the owner & gathered info from her, she also paid for it, took me in, and waited with me for hours.  

Was told to have Kodie rest this week, very tall order for a puppy!  He seems to be doing better already.  His best friend that he plays with (Jazzy)'s mom Iris came to visit him yesterday, OMG he went nuts to see her!  I've never seen a greeting like that!  He was truly beside himself, ecstatic!  I have never gotten a greeting like that!    She brought him a bag of treats too, but he was even more interested in seeing HER!  She said Jazzy is waiting for her playmate whenever he is ready.   He got to see his friend Rocky yesterday on our walk (other direction) but I wouldn't let him run with him, I know they don't understand, but he needs to be calm for a few days.

We were very lucky.  If the dog would have grabbed his throat he would be dead.

[Gwenivere]

Sounds like Kodie is bouncing back quickly.  Animals are amazing that way.  He’s very outgoing.  I thInk Mel would be affected differently.  Don’t want to find out tho!  

Getting HALT is a great idea.  You never know when you might need it with him or for yourself.  Think I’ll get some too as I go to places that sometimes have some people I’m not comfortable around.  I hate getting worried about such stuff, I liked my old innocent world that vanished with Steve.

 I’m sick of being older too.  Feeling more vulnerable.  Can’t do anything about it, but allowed to feel that way.  I woke up scared today.  Mostly about another day alone, but about the rest of the week.  It’s all off schedule and as boring as it is, I prefer that to covid shots, waiting on techs to set up my iPad and trying to figure how to get a shower in while my back is feeling worse from being stressed out about all the stuff.  Dread going to bed because it means waking up to repeat the cycle.

* The rest of this post is a pity party.  Might want to skip it.  This is my outlet tho.  

i went to the church for their Weds lunch meal for later and they had corned beef which I was hoping.  Have counseling and then nothing but a trip to the PO.  Got my stimulus check today.  I so want to feel glad or look forward to something.  New iPad, some needed money, Mel’s joy chasing the ball.  I’m just so lonely.  Even talked to a buddy getting lunch and she said she cared and I could call anytime.  I want to reach out to her, but I’m afraid I’d put her off with the intensity of what I feel.  She told me she understood as she lost her partner in her arms and that is why she almost died drinking herself to death. I’m becoming so withdrawn and that scares me.  Here is an opportunity to connect.  I don’t understand why I don’t.  I think it’s because all the times I have tried since Steve died failed and I don’t want to feel that again.  The isolation is killing me tho.  I want to care about something.  I don’t know how to get that back.  

Covid has created the perfect recipe to discourage trying anymore for me. I don’t want to hear more about it nor live this odd life.  Got the new AARP mag and most all the articles are about that.  It’s going into the recycle.  

Sorry for the word salad.  I just want to feel I matter and I don’t feel that.  I can be told that, but unless you feel it in your heart, it’s just words.  My grief counselor says I have to do that for myself.  Have yet to find the key.  Every time I get some glimmer, there is a glitch.  The fact I don’t jump into the gamble of back surgery I get talks from the docs about it.  People I talk to in the real world tell me more negatives from experience than positives.  Plus none of the surgeries are the one I face exactly.  I so need Steve to talk to, the one I trust the most and reason to take a risk.  How to do this without him has me imprisoned.  😥

 

[nashreed]

I always read your posts, Gwen. They make sense to me. 

I relate to wanting to be social, but thinking it might be more trouble than it's worth. My father-in-law always calls me, and wants to get together. I can't help thinking he just wants to be calling Annette, but he's stuck with me. I don't have anything to say when I call him. I dread it. I don't know why. He's sweet, but with my social anxiety, and everything, I can't be myself with him- whatever that is. And with COVID, I just don't want to get together with him- he's a denier (we don't talk politics). I think in some way, I kind of like the pandemic being an excuse to not go out, to not be social... It's pretty messed up, but it's a convenient excuse. 

I got my stimulus, and had to get some new speakers. When the music sounds bad, I get crabby. 

[Kieron]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 How to do this without him has me imprisoned.

That's a very relatable feeling these days!  ☹️

[Kieron]

Kay, how awful, I hadn't logged in until now and saw this news.  I'm sorry you both endured all that.  I'm sure you're much more easily startled and hypervigilant now, after all that.  I know I would be.  Wishing you both some peace and comfort tonight.  ❤️

[Gwenivere]

My counselor was pretty tough on me today.  All needed and lots to think about.  Mostly it is about acceptance.  I always bring up how much easier so much would be with Steve.  While true, I have to loosen my grip on that thought as things will never go back to that and I am weighing myself down always turning to that first.  It’s too much to fully explain here, but she is right.  We react to how we respond in thought.  I’ll never forget how much easier it was, but I want to stop weighing myself down even more of his void.  I’m robbing myself of things I could feel good about accomplishing.  Even when I hate them....maybe especially because I hate them.  If not good,  at least I did and let it go.  This will take a lot of practice and I’m sure I’ll fumble a lot along the way. It all sounds good in theory anyway.  She’s much more Zen than me so I’ll see what I can and cannot do with my personality.  She’s gone thru things that would cripple me.  I admire her.  But we are all unique.

James, I don’t think you father in law would call if he didn’t want to talk to you.  He’s not under any requirement to keep in contact.  Sure, you have Annette in common, but he must like you to keep trying.  I have to battle my anxiety demon when talking with some people.  Did so tonight with a new woman I’ve met that has reached out to me because she cares.  I keep it relatively short right now as I get used to it.  I want to as we get along and she understands grief.

the pandemic is handy for isolating.  That is why I push myself out every day.  It’s days I have little contact I really do feel worse.  Too easy to think no one cares.  They don’t as deeply as Steve did, but they do care.  I have to care about me to see that tho.  It’s what I need to work on.  

This is definitely the hardest journey I’ve ever taken and overwhelming.  At 6+ years I’m still a novice.  There will always be new hurdles to get over and probably many attempts each time.

I'll never forget how I need him.  That I will carry til I am gone.  Not shooting for happiness, just some contentment now and then.

[nashreed]

You're very strong, when you have the pain that you're struggling with and you still go out into the world. I have no excuse. I seem to be retreating into myself more and more. I just find it easier to not be social. 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I want to reach out to her, but I’m afraid I’d put her off with the intensity of what I feel

Call her, whenever you're ready.  She offered and she understands.  You can also call me, you have my number.  I know how hard particularly these Covid times are when we are socially isolated on top of feeling so alone and uncared about.  My kids seem only interested in holidays, my son used to call every couple of weeks.  If there's one thing I've realized it's that I truly am on my own.   We know each other here.  I care about you.  I wish we were closer.  We're all so caught up with just getting what we have to do done, and it's hard, isn't it!

I like to substitute the word "realizing" for acceptance as the very word "acceptance" implies "okay with it" and that is NOT what it means, at all!  None of us gave our permission for any of this, but it is what it is and we do know our reality now and have to deal with it every day.  I don't think any of us could go through this past year without the thought occurring, how different it would be if they were here to go through it with!  Yet at the end of the day we know they are not here and while we can be glad for them, we are sorry for ourselves, how can we not be!  I try to look on the positive and live in the present moment and embrace the good that is, that helps a lot.  But I am also human and not perfect at it.  We all have our ups and downs.  We have bad days and better days.  We need to give ourselves credit for what we do right, and that we are surviving!  No easy feat.  We keep going, how can we not?!

Gwen, you are not just living without Steve but also facing seemingly insurmountable medical challenges on your own!  For that I hope you give yourself loads of credit.  My world is not easy, not being able to have the use of my  hands as I always did prior to the last year, it has limited me tremendously, not even counting the pain, but I'm doing it, and it's a drop in the bucket with the challenges you've been facing.  I take my hat off to you!

 

[kayc]

I walked Kodie across the street from them (carried a big stick and watched constantly).  Kodie didn't appear nervous, I was amazed!  Said dog didn't appear though or bark so it might be different if he had.  I let him play with Jazzy a really short time, without pain Rxs to know if he was hurting but he never once yelped.  I am more than amazed at his resilience and healing!  It's hard not to be an overprotective mom.

[Gwenivere]

On 3/18/2021 at 9:02 AM, kayc said:

We're all so caught up with just getting what we have to do done, and it's hard, isn't it!

Yes, it is.  I didn’t have any time until now to come by here as I was setting up my new iPad.  Amazingly, I think I got it all correct with minimal help from tech support.  I made an unnecessary trip to the computer place.  I didn’t do a timing thing right by waiting.  But I did get a 10 foot charging cord so I could ditch the extension cord if I’m in the hospital as they frown on those.  

hopefully I can cancel the appointment to do this Saturday that has an 8 hour window.   it was confusing to do, but I knew I had to give it a try.  Just wish I felt good about it.  This being on your own doesn’t give me that.  No one to brag to meaning Steve as the biggie.  Tho had he been here, I wouldn’t have this or he would have done it.  Hard to feel good about something you just want to work and don’t care about the how’s and why’s.  Guess I do a little.  It’s so hard to keep if even find a positive outlook right now.  Thanks for your pat on the back.  Means a lot!  💖
 

On 3/18/2021 at 9:02 AM, kayc said:

I like to substitute the word "realizing" for acceptance as the very word "acceptance" implies "okay with it" and that is NOT what it means, at all!  None of us gave our permission for any of this, but it is what it is and we do know our reality now and have to deal with it every day. 

That’s a good point.  I never will wholly accept this.  A part of my heart will always be yearning for it no matter how much my brain says you can’t ever have it back.  That pain will live forever.   Realizing it I experience everyday.  In so many ways.  You’re right, I’m not OK with it.  Never will be.  
 

I feel for you with  your hands.  Mine are messed up a lot too.  Age is so harsh.  Supposed to get my first covid shot today.  Hoping I can walk in.  Will probably need a wheelchair while waiting and the long hall to get there.  Barely could get around yesterday so gonna try sleeping on the opposite side.  
 

I try giving myself a pat in the back, but my arms don’t reach that far!  I’d be interested in how others of you cut yourselves a break.  Maybe something will resonate.

[kayc]

Good luck with your trip out, I hope it doesn't prove too strenuous.  Here they hold drive throughs.  Less contamination and people can sit in their cars and keep warm.

[widow'15]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Yes, it is.  I didn’t have any time until now to come by here as I was setting up my new iPad.  Amazingly, I think I got it all correct with minimal help from tech support.  I made an unnecessary trip to the computer place.  I didn’t do a timing thing right by waiting.  But I did get a 10 foot charging cord so I could ditch the extension cord if I’m in the hospital as they frown on those.  

Gwen:  Good for you for attempting the set-up of your new iPad.  You are amazing.  You can pat yourself on the back.  Am sure Steve is smiling with you.  It sounds like you have thought of every detail.  This being alone does drive us sometimes to branch out to unknown areas.  I have had to make myself think more and depend on my poor old brain more.  One of the gas fireplaces in my present house was taking longer and longer to light.  Not wanting to bother my son for one more thing, I decided to find the directions.  I had to use a flashlight and screw driver to unscrew the wall switch located in the corner of the built in bookcase.  My clumsy hands finally replaced a AA battery and now the fireplace works.   Not as techi as you, but felt pretty good of myself for not giving up.

And yes, the hands don't work nearly as well as they used to.  I noticed yesterday when I was putting gas in my car how hard it is getting to hold that nozzle.  It seemed to be taking forever when I realized I wasn't putting enough pressure on nozzle plus my hands hurt more.  I began to wonder how someone like kayc with her painful hands can fill her tank and remembered she lived in Oregon and didn't have to fill her gas tank.  How do you manage filling your gas tank, Gwen?  I might have to find stations that offer that service and pay more per gallon.  Or, stop driving?  Nope, can't do that yet.  Keep up the going forward.  Hugs, Dee 

[MartyT]

One of my favorite things about living in New Jersey years ago was seeing these words framed and proudly displayed on the wall of a friend's home "down the shore," and knowing it was true: Jersey Girls Don't Pump Gas 

[Gwenivere]

I don’t think there are any places that pump gas here, Dee.  Haven’t seen one in years.  I do OK at the self serve, it’s usually standing that gets me or this weird tank on the Escape that doesn’t have a cap, so making the seal sometimes fails and it takes several attempts or I have to move to a different pump.  
 

good for you, Dee, for getting the battery done.  Who would have ever thought such simple things would become ones we now get happy we accomplish?  It’s that independence thing, except it used to be for much bigger things.  Like painting a room at least.  I’ve had to change batteries too and think I’m some kind of superhero.  Sheesh!  Things I didn’t even need Steve for.  Just got a UPS package of candles and they are so heavy plus bigger than I thought.  Now I wrestle with returning them and losing money or trying to use them or give them away.  Closed the Sears here so I can’t skip the shipping.  The credit would help buy a new pair of jeans since I’ve gained a few pounds.  Decisions, decisions.

[KarenK]

WOW! A "full service"" gas station. Haven't seen one in eons, although the last one in AZ is apparently a few miles up the street. Been pumping my own gas since at least the early "70's". That's about as mechanical as I get. I'm so lucky I have the guys here to help me with things. So much I can't do anymore because of no strength or balance. It seems like just yesterday I was climbing up on the roof changing pads on the old swamp cooler. lol  Now I can barely climb up on a stepstool to change a light bulb. Never gave a second thought to falling off the roof, but sure don't want to fall off that stool now. lol

Just turned 74. Old age. You gotta love it!

[Gin]

Karen,   Wait until you hit 81!

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I don’t think there are any places that pump gas here.....

Gwen:  Actually, there is a full service station about 5 mins from my house -- it also has self serve lanes.  The  only reason I have ever been there was to have the tires inflated and checked for correct inflation.  The silly icon on my car indicates there is a problem with tire inflation.  Since I haven't driven many miles in 2020 and these three months in 2021, it is now time to bring my car in for service.  O'Boy. 

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

I'm so lucky I have the guys here to help me with things. So much I can't do anymore because of no strength or balance. It seems like just yesterday I was climbing up on the roof changing pads on the old swamp cooler. lol  Now I can barely climb up on a stepstool to change a light bulb. Never gave a second thought to falling off the roof, but sure don't want to fall off that stool now. lol

Just turned 74. Old age. You gotta love it!

Karen:  Yes, you are lucky to have your guys there to help.  I know you must love having the company.  I empathize with you and our lack of strength and/or balance.  The smoke alarm alongside my kitchen started beeping the other day and I knew I couldn't ignore it.  I drug out my 3 step, step stool and hung onto the stool handle as I pulled the smoke alarm apart and removed the battery.  Will have my son replace the battery next time he is over.   I don't trust myself the length of time it would take to put in a new battery.  No, "Old Age" is not fun and being alone doesn't make it any easier.  Good to know you don't climb your roof anymore.  Take care, Dee 

[Gwenivere]

7 hours ago, KarenK said:

Old age. You gotta love it!

Do we really?  I went in for my first covid shot today and reallly felt old.  Had to be taken by wheelchair and saw all the people standing in line when I would have been crippled on the floor within 10 minutes.  Nope, hate it and yes, I know you were being satirical.  😎

wow, swamp coolers!  I miss them up here.  Loved them in NM.  AC is too cold.  But ask me again when we get the 90's.

[KarenK]

I guess swamp coolers were adequate, but as Phoenix grew and more pools and golf courses were added, the humidity hampered the efficiency. We put in central air in 1984. Doubt they would work well at all where you live.

Glad you were able to get your shot without too much trouble. Is it the 1 shot vaccine or will you need a 2nd one?

 

[kayc]

5 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

wow, swamp coolers!

We had one in Phoenix AZ.  Couldn't afford A/C, have never  had one.

Can you believe, I've never pumped gas in my life!!!  Don't want to start now! 

I'm wondering if it comes to that (OR went to it mostly for a short time in Covid) if we couldn't get someone else to do it for us if our hands don't work.  Here they still had an attendant if you needed help, understanding most of us don't even know how!

[nashreed]

6 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Do we really?  I went in for my first covid shot today and reallly felt old.  Had to be taken by wheelchair and saw all the people standing in line when I would have been crippled on the floor within 10 minutes.  Nope, hate it and yes, I know you were being satirical.  😎

wow, swamp coolers!  I miss them up here.  Loved them in NM.  AC is too cold.  But ask me again when we get the 90's.

How are your symptoms today? Were they nice? Details!!