Dating?

[LindaG]

Hello Everyone-

As usual, when something bizarre in the grief process comes up - I seek advice.

I had lunch with an old friend a few weeks ago. My maid of honor. I had not seen her in a while and she asked me why I was still wearing my wedding rings and when I planned to date again? She's very direct and one of the reasons that normally - I like her friendship. Removing the wedding rings never occured to me and dating - well - horror. It will be eight months since Joe suddenly passed in a few weeks. I can't imagine dating anyone else.

Then an old boyfriend that remained a close friend- 20 years old - seeked my design help with an investment property. He's been kind since my husband passed and I thought nothing of it. He's now married but soon things became uncomfortable when he started to confide that his marriage was not a happy one and he was considering a separation. His casual flirting has become uncomfortable to the point that I am avoiding him and wondering what is wrong with me that I did not see this coming.

So, I guess I need to know if I am wearing the rings as a way to hold on - or if that is okay? How do you ever get to the point of considering dating someone else. Because I am still in my 40's and was widowed younger, I think there is more expectation that I will "want or need to date" sooner ?? I don't know. Bigger question that is probably better left for my therapist but I'm just curious what other people are experiencing and thinking.

Thank you as always for your kind input.

- Linda G

[Lainey]

Hi Linda,

I lost my husband about seven months ago and actually had a friend ask me the same thing at lunch yesterday. I was taken by surprise at the question, do other women see us as a threat to their marriage or what? If and when I decide to start dating I will certainly not be looking at married men. And do all men look at widows as fair game?

I am in my 50's, I don't know that I want to spend the rest of my time on Earth without another partner. My children are all grown and have families of their own, my friends are great.. but it is the companionship of someone you know and trust with your soul that I am missing. If, by some chance, a special person comes into my life, I will make that desicion then.

I am still wearing my wedding rings and will until in my heart I know it is time to take them off. At that point I am going to have both sets and his made into one ring that I will wear for my lifetime.

Hugs to you,

Lainey

[kayc]

It is totally okay to continue wearing your wedding rings...noone else should take exception to that. Some wear them the rest of their life, some take them off at some point, but whatever you do is up to you. As for dating, I'd suggest you let her know that if and when the time ever comes, you'll let her know but for right now you can't even think about it. It seems callous to even ask that because you still love your husband and didn't ask for him to die, but people who haven't been through it just don't understand, this isn't like a divorce, for crying out loud!

[Cheryl]

HI Linda,

I took off my rings at about 7 months. It had nothig to do with wanting to date. For me I looked down one day at my hand and thought Mark is gone. My marraige on earth is over. He is not coming home. I am a widow. I am all alone. Who am I trying to fool. I was facing his death and my loss. He will not hold me tonight. We will not celebrate our anniversary together. His ring was alone, slid onto a spiral seashell we found on the beach, sitting on a little stand. I put our rings together, grouped our precious pictures around it. They are now a symbol of our love and I am so happy each day to see them together where they belong. I daily put on a diamond circle pendent necklace that Mark gave me a few months before he died. I look in the mirror and see a circle of love that will never end. I am not ready to date. It horrifies me. I don't think you should take the rings off for anyone. It is the most personal decision I have made since his death. I have not explained my reason to anyone until now. Mark knows how I feel and that will never change. I love my monument to us. I made it on my terms with him in mind. I will tell you that there is a lot of judgement made on this topic. I am not over grieving nor will it ever be over. I will grieve until the day I die and join Mark. I hope this helps. I am curious what others think and feel about the subject. Thankyou for being brave and bringing up the topic! I wish you comfort and hugs! Cheryl

[redwind30]

It has only been two months since I lost my sweet husband, so of course the idea of dating is the last thing on my mind. I am only 50 and the ideal of spending the rest of my alone is very depressing. The only thing more depressing is thinking of being with someone else. Life stinks!

[LindaG]

Hi -

I have days where I feel I was dropped in this mess that is now my life and no one has a complete grasp of how to guide me thru it. It's like I led a normal life and all of a sudden it was turned upside down and nothing feels "correct". Everything has to be managed and thought out - and it is exhausting.

I feel like "grief" is tabu. It is something - no one readily wants to talk about - everyone knows someone with a horrible story that equals or surpasses mine. I don't know how you do it? I don't know how they did it...that type of thing. There is no manual - no expert - no easy fix. So when my best friend is unsettled that I have not removed my wedding rings, there is no timeline - no answer to give her....why would I take them off - Joe would still be wearing his of that I am sure. It's alot to sort thru.

I read all of your respones and I can feel the pain in the words. It was not supposed to happen like this for any of us. I thank you for trying to help and realize this is a difficult subject to approach.

- Linda G

[Sharon3]

I always took my rings off at night and sometimes didn't wear them at all ....going to the gym etc. so it is not as though they were always on my fingers. So I continue in that vain...sometimes they are on, sometimes they are not and i don't know if it is my sub conscious working or not......I am not thinking of dating, yet like everyone here the thought of spending the rest of my life alone is terrifying as well.,...no one will every take the place of my husband and I am never going to look but you never know......If faced with the prospect I don't know what I would do....to each his own.,just do what makes you happy.

[Queeniemary]

Linda, I am still wearing my rings at 5 1/2 months, and really cannot imagine that I will take them off. Each one of us has to make that decision for ourselves. As a matter of fact, I had lost the diamond from my engagement ring, and was wearing only the band when Mike died. We had decided to get me a new engagement ring, with larger stone, rather than replace the lost one. After his death, I had the stone replaced, as I decided I did not want a ring that we had not picked out together. It is a small stone, but the ring means a lot to me, and I really don't want any other. There may come a day when I take them off, but at this point they are on my finger, and every time I see them I think of him. Friends are well meaning, they really want our happiness, but unless they have walked in our shoes, they really have no clue what we feel. I also have had friends mention me dating, I usually just pass it off with "I am too old to break in someone new". Truth is I cannot imagine being with anyone else, and at this point in time, don't want to be with anyone else.

Praying for us all in this club we did not want to join.

Queeniemary

[nats]

OK, I've taken my rings off 2 weeks ago, Why because our marriage was "till death do us part", I now have them all together on Ruth's crucifix and neckless...I've been blessd by someone comming into my life so soon as it's only been a little over 4 months, I cannot explain how or why this has happened I just know it's so natural and feel she is a God send, one reason I have taken my ring off is respect for this new person in my life, she has also lost her husband 11 months ago so we have much in common....are we both still grieving? YES very much so, is it OK YES, we can share with each other our pain and we can offer comfort we both need so much, it started as simple as dinners on Monday evenings and over the past months we have became very good friends, what's crazy about this is I had a vision of us together when Ruth left us, I do not know how I knew I just did, she was visitng Ruth one day and it hit me but I just blew it off as I never even considered it...we both do not want to spend our lives alone and we have made a bucket list we are working on, life is way to short and we are going to live it to the fullest, while this situation is not for everyone and some may find it wrong, I just follow my heart and God's direction and see where it takes me, Ruth and I had many long conversations regarding me sharing all the Love and compassion I have with another woman and she wanted that, she did not want me unhappy and sad she cried many times and told me that was her only fear of leaving is what would happen to me, so maybe Ruth is playing a part in this from heaven, as we were talking about her yesterday and a strong wave of grief hit me almost as if Ruth was giving her approval because it was a happy wave not sad....anyway it's day by day and I just follow my heart...may God Bless you all and lead you in the right direction...Oh and the tough part of this situation is one of us will have to endure this grieving process again, we have already had that conversation....

NATS

[Abby48]

it's only been 3 wks today since Danny died.my wedding band is a very important part of me.seeing this ring each day reminds me how blessed i was to have this wonderful,loving man as my husband.i don't know what God has planned for me in the furture but Danny will always be my only soul mate.

i pray each night to get through one more day,the strength to endure this pain in my heart.i wish i had one more day to just hold him close.

i can read the pain in your posts & it's so sad we have to be left alone with this over powering grief.

may God hold us close as long as the need is with us.

[laurieb]

I'm 48 and lost my husband suddenly 15 months ago. I have not taken my rings off and am not in any hurry. I do understand the concept of until death do us part. However. I still love him and after 26 years together. That doesn't change in 15 months. I feel very vulnerable still and my rings offer me strength to deal with all the other things I have to handle.

Laurie

[mlg]

It's been 2.5 years and I still wear my rings. In fact I had one that we had to get Tom because his finger got to big for his original one cut down and wear it underneath my set.. It makes me feel closer to him for some reason. A lot of times I will just sit a twirl it like I was rubbing his back or something. I don't think there is a wrong answer to this question. I think you have to do what you are comfortable with.

[golden48]

greetings folks,

My story goes back many years ago, our baby was a few weeks old and when I gave her a bath the wedding ring use to scratch her and it reached the point when I had to constantly take it off.

I decided to put the ring in my box of goodies, from that date I did not use the ring, years later I tried and found the ring was a wee bit small.

Having got use not to wearing the ring, did not cause any hiccup for me nor my husband. when we went for holidays I recalled a humourous incident, when a receptionist from the hotel we were checking in, enquired if we wanted single or double rooms, it was then my better half realised I was not wearing the wedding ring.

To the day when he departed from the land of the living, he wore his ring and I did not, but it matters not to either of us, for we were secured in the knowledge of our love for one another and a ring is only a 'man made symbol'as long as one is right in the eyes of the Lord that is what truly counts.

It will be close to 12 months since his demise, ring or no ring, I find it difficult to consider going out with the opposite sex, I know I am not comfortable at this point in time, I instantly shy away when I get an invitation from men friends I have known for a length of time regardless of how innocent it may seem.

In His Grip,

golden 48

[Korina]

It has been a year, and I still wear my rings. They are a part of me. The one thing that bothers me, though, and this will sound silly, is that I wonder if people who see me on a regular basis but don't know my circumstance wonder why they never see Kailyn and myself with her Daddy, and perhaps think I have a terrible husband.

As for dating, it is not a possibility at this point. Scott was my soulmate, and I feel that I would constantly be comparing anyone new to him - hardly the basis of a good relationship. I was lucky to be with the love of my life for 20 years, and that is just how I feel.

Others have suggested that given my relatively young age (42), that someday I may find another companion. But I just cannot seriously contemplate it, and have absolutely no desire to do so. At this point in my life, raising Kailyn is my priority.

Korina

[Fredzgirl]

I haven't visited this site for many months. I did so tonight because tomorrow is the anniversary of Fred's passing. We weren't legally married and there were no rings. We did live as man and wife for 11 years. I started dating fairly early on. It was too soon and I ended up crying a lot when I got home. My first dates were with a widower so he was very understanding and helped me along. Now I'm in a very special relationship with an amazing guy. I feel like we are falling in love. This new relationship is very separate from my relationship with Fred. Loving someone new doesn't mean that I love Fred any less. I'll always love him and our life together. I tell my friends that, to me, it's like having more than one child. You don't stop loving your first child when the second one comes along. Fortunately, we have a great capacity for love. One thing I've come to realize in the past year is that there are no rules for grieving. We all do it differently.

[nats]

" Fortunately, we have a great capacity for love. One thing I've come to realize in the past year is that there are no rules for grieving. We all do it differently".

I agree with you completely I am seeing someone special and feel I could also be falling in love, people have questioned it since it's only been months but I have thought it thru and Ruth wanted this and the lady is someone we both knew so it's not like the whole dating from scratch as we both know each others backround....she also has lost her husband 11 months ago....she tells me the attraction in part is because she saw what a loving and caring person I was with Ruth and she has never known a man like that, I'm just letting God, Ruth and my heart lead me, as I know I do not want to be alone the rest of my life....

and I am in no way comparing the two as this is completely new and fresh....I still grieve and miss Ruth daily but it sure helps having some companionship...

NATS

[jjaz]

Hi Everyone -

My husband Bob passed away the end of December, and I also still wear my wedding rings. Although the last couple years of our marriage were rocky due to his alcoholism, I still loved him very much and was determined to stick with him until the end. I realized the other day that when I talk about him, I play with my rings. Guess it is my way of acknowledging him, and letting him know that I still love him.

About two months after he passed, I went to visit with his family and celebrate his Mother's 90th birthday. While there, one of my brother-in-laws asked me if I thought I would ever re-marry. I was quite taken back by his question. My response to him was that I needed to get to know myself again before I could ever think about it. I am in my 40's, but the idea of dating someone scares me to death.

Several months before Bob died, our oldest daughter was married. One day when we were sitting and talking about her wedding, he told me that it was Ok for me to marry again. He said that he did not want me to be alone, and made me promise him that I would consider it. The whole conversation surprised me at the time. Although he was very ill, this was before he was under the care of hospice.

Like some of the others have mentioned, I guess each of us will know when it is or is not the right time to take our rings off. Dating, that too is a matter of timing. For right now, I am happy to be single and get to know myself again.

jjaz

[AliciaL]

It has been 3 months since my husband passed away. I won't ever date again. Or at least I am never going to look. I am wearing my wedding rings, as well as his. I am also wearing the band I had to wear to get in the hospital, the day my husband died. I just can't seem to take it off. He had suffered for 8 weeks and 5 days, and every single day, after I was released from the hospital, everyone who visited him had to wear a band. So not only am I wearing the band from the last day, I have in a little memory box all of the other bands that I have acquired. Someone had said 'til Death Do Us Part, well I am not dead, and my rings will not come off.

I have just joined this online group, and I have noticed that there are a lot of people that feel the same way, and some people who are further along in their journey, or at least this new life that we have been forced to live. I think if someone wants to wear their rings, there is no law to say they can't. It is however you want it to be. None of my friends have said anything yet, but as I sit here and write this, I think I would be upset, I think I would feel that they are encroaching on territory that they just cannot comprehend. I will wear my rings, until whenever. I feel good about that decision, as should anyone else who wants to wear them, or take them off. It's your life, it is how you feel, and not how people think it should be. It is time.

[kayc]

I have a friend who lost her husband two years ago. She sees guys as "friends only", so it's kind of like dating only without the romance and platonic. It's more comfortable for her that way. The only bad thing is some of them keep hoping/trying for something more, but once she realizes that and they won't quit, she cuts them loose. Maybe someday she'll find someone special again...maybe not, but right now she's going to enjoy herself with other people's company. And she has plenty of people to cook for, and people who will install her new flooring or help her paint the house.

[closs86]

HI

I also agree and also at 3 1/2 months that i will not take my ring off, and i will never date anyone, just the thought gives me the creeps. Everyone is different, and it is o k for some but it just can't work for others,

take care

Karen

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I thought you might appreciate a recent post on Widow Chick's blog:

As widows, we are so concerned with the wedding ring. When to take it off. What to do with it after. Which one of our kids is really our favorite so we know who to leave it to.

Sometimes I feel completely insecure without my ring. It's like I've gone outside without pants or something. I feel exposed and vulnerable. There are days when I walk around, feeling like I forgot something important. And then I realize that I have a naked finger where a bejeweled one should be.

Read on here: Ringing in Widowhood

[Marion Claire]

I have an aunt to trys to say when your spouse died the marriage is over and the rings should come off.... Well I can not go along with that at all. I wear my husband ring under mine and bought a tear drop ring that says until we meet again. I will do what I feel is right for me. Might not be right for everyone but for me it is.. Mormons marry for all eternity, so maybe buried somewhere in me is a little Mormon tradition. Not that I know of tho. Just I will always do what feels right for me. Marion

[Lucia Abeytia]

Hi everyone!!! I haven't been on this site for a while but tonight I was missing Ben and saw your post and it has been 1 yr and 6monts since I lost him and I still wear my rings he never wore one he lost his 3months after we were married he didn't like to wear jewlery at all and would take it off so we never got him another...I have no intentions of taking it off everyone is always telling me it is time for me to take it offbut I am not ready to do that...I have no intentions of every marrying again and don't even think of dating...My mother in law keeps telling me I am to young to be by myself and I should start dating but I jst laugh!!!