Shock and Awe after 1 year

[Gin]

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, Marita.

[KATPILOT]

And thinking about you today Marita. I remember my horse Playkate (Kate),  who I held in my arms when she was born left so long ago but who I will never forget. It's never easy. Never.

[kayc]

I tried and tried to get on line last night, so many of you are in my heart, but alas this blasted internet provider did not help me though I spent hours on the phone trying everything they said.  I finally went to bed early and this morning it was working.  ???

Marita, I am so sorry you are losing your horse.  It's just so hard!  My dog is approaching nine years (his breed's life expectancy) and my cat is 20 and I know I'm on borrowed time...it does scare me.  But we take each day with them as a gift and somehow have to get through the losses although we dread and hate it.  I will keep you in my prayers today, dear one!

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you all so much.  

[iPraiseHim]

I found out today the my Toyota car is not repairable; a blown engine. 

I tried to cancel the car insurance but was told that if I did not turn in the tags today I could be fined $500 for no insurance (on a car I can not drive!)  (Did I wake up in Russia?).  SO , I found out I can DEACTIVATE the plates until I turn them in.  I have an estimate in the morning and will stop by the DMV tomorrow before they close at noon.  It is bittersweet to know I will not see or be driving that care anymore.  It served me well for five years.  I am sentimental. It's 19 months since Rose Anne died and it still bothers me. 

I have been in a good emotional state despite this week's challenges.  I have been taking my vitamins, eating healthy, and sleeping well for a week.  One day; one moment at a time.  - Shalom

[Gin]

George,

my Toyota is 19 yrs. old and I dread the day when I will   have to say goodbye to it.  Excellent car.

Of course you miss Rose Anne.  You always will.  It is coming up on a year since Al has been gone.  Long, hard year.  More than long and hard.

Gin

[kayc]

George,your state must be different than mine, here you can change the insurance to "storage insurance", don't tell them if it drives or not.  Leave the keys in it and pray someone steals it!

My Nissan pickup is 27 and looks like it.  Whoever had it before did NOT take care of it.  Never buy from an auction sight unseen.  It's pretty sad looking, I'm afraid to drive it out of town.  But it has 4WD so it gets me around in the snow.  Drawback, the windshield wipers are s u p e r   s l o w w w w...  So I can't drive it when it rains hard.  And no A/C.  The employees stole the CD player out of it after I bought it, before I picked it up.  It was sold as "running"...NOT!  I had to tow it to my son's.  Sigh.  At least I have my Honda Civic, bought it new, it's nine and has about 188,000 miles on it, but it's been great.  I might have it until I die!  They'll take a lot of miles on them.

[iPraiseHim]

I gathered the rest of my personal items in the car and removed the plates and turned them in this morning at the DMV.  This was the car I drove Rose Anne to dialysis and all the other doctor appointments. There were three distinct makeup/face prints of hers when she was too tired to hold her head up and would lean against the glass.  I never wash it off as it was a reminder of her. Now I will not see that again when I'm driving to work each day. 

Time continues to march on.  Today was my brothers birthday. He died over eight years ago. He was only 50.  He passed away in his sleep.  I spoke to him two days prior to his death. He had medical issues and had walking pneumonia but had medications and thought he would get better. I have already lived 11 years more. - Shalom

 

[brat#2]

George, it will be extremely difficult when I have to replace the van.  It was Dale's work van and still has every single tool of his in it just like he left it.  That is my only vehicle, so I just keep fixing it when things go bad.  I keep getting told that I need to get something newer, but I can't.  It is Dale and every time I get in it, I think of him.  Sorry you had to put your car to rest.

Joyce

 

[Margm]

I cried constantly changing over from the Toyota truck to the little Ford Ranger.  The Ford was older, but I could not pull the RV and Scott could with the Toyota.  Billy had given the RV to Scott on one of the times he knew he was not going to make it, because he knew I was not going to give up on him and he already knew the outcome.  But, I got that little Ford Ranger fixed up for me, got it in shape, did lots of repairs.  I want a little car.  It hurt to see the big black Toyota every time I would see it for awhile.  But Billy could not drive it anymore.  He did not need it.  

Today is 11 months.  I hate autumn.  Used to be my favorite.  

[kayc]

George,

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time.  I know how tough these adjustments are.  I had to sell George's car (because of $) right after he died.  Then shortly after that I had to clean out and sell his trailer that he stayed in during the work week, THAT was excruciating!  The whole trailer and everything in it seemed like HIM!  It seemed like not long before when I'd lined the cupboards and furnished it for him, now to have to turn around and undo it all!  Then I had to sell the car George and I'd picked out together...what a fun day that was!  I bought it thinking of his back (it was a super comfortable car), he bought it thinking of how I'd look driving it.  In other words we each bought it for the other!   Then I had to sell our Ranger...George had selected it and I'd loved it but alas the transmission went out three times and my son said he'd fix it if I agreed to let him sell it.  He didn't want to have to do it again, which I understood.  But it was hard to see it go, I still miss it...alot.  Lastly, I gave my son our camping trailer...I never did clean our things out of it, it was too hard.  It was such a reminder of all of the fun times we'd had together...we'd furnished it together, bought and covered new cushions, made new drapes,, everything in it was US.  I haven't camped since he died.

Each of these steps feels like it's closing the door on a chapter of our lives.  It feels like we're undoing the building we'd done of ourselves as a couple.  It reeks.

BUT we have to realize we are not the sum total of any possessions, not a vehicle, a trailer, a home.  We are the love we hold in our hearts and we can never be priced out of that, not even dementia can kill it.  We will be together again.

[KarenK]

We sold our Buick LeSabre a couple of years before Ron was diagnosed with Cancer. It was simply gathering dust in the driveway as we always drove Ron's big Dodge Ram quad cab. We were always together. He was so proud of his big truck. I have been driving it since he became to ill to drive. Kudos to the person who designed inside handles on those vehicles. I have to pull myself up with them to get in. It has 120,000 miles and is still in great condition. My son takes care of the oil changes. I have never used the 4WD(Not much snow in Phoenix). If it decides to break down, it will also sit in the driveway and gather dust. I cannot afford to fix it. For as long as I shall drive it, it will always be Ron's truck.

[kayc]

My neighbor has one and I'm very familiar with it.  He never had to put any real money into it until last Christmas, then it cost him a fortune, but he has close to 300,000 miles on it, mostly up and down the hill, slow speed, which is harder on it than highway driving.  I would imagine it'll last you the rest of your life with regular oil changes & maintenance!  They're a great truck.  I'm picturing little bitty you in that great big ole' truck!
If you ever decide to move to Oregon (dreaming), the 4WD will come in handy!

[KarenK]

As long as I can see over the steering wheel....................Actually, I've had quite a few comments and looks from people when I go to the store or carwash, like "YOU'RE driving this truck!" Yeah well, it didn't drive itself here.  lol  Worse case scenario, I can always run over cars without a problem. It feels funny to drive a car now, like you are sitting down on the ground.

[Muggs138]

Well, Friday it has been one year, and i can honestly say that I feel worse now.  Some stupid part of me thought magically at a year the intense pain i feel everyday would lessen a tiny bit at least...

How wrong I was!!!  I guess it was just me hoping for a little peace from the pain I feel always.  

I get so upset thinking that i went a whole year without him, and thats how its going to be from now on, and its just a horrible feeling to want someone SO bad and theyre just gone now.   I feel like i am stuck in a hole, and every time i try to climb out, i get pushed back down.

[Gwenivere]

I didn't expect to feel better at a year, but I didn't know I would feel worse.  That is the reality hitting that this is forever and that is so very hard to comprehend.  I'm getting close to 2 years and still struggling intensely.  

[iPraiseHim]

Muggs138, I definitely remember the same feeling.  How can I have lived a whole year after my wife's death?I thought I would feel better? Maybe get a metal, chip, something.  No, I found out that for some of us, the second year the whole reality of the loss begins to sink in and become real. Feelings for me are tricky things because they feel so real.

I am just learning to feel and express these feeling in a journal or here or a close trusted friend who genuinely understands.

The pain of grief can be as intense as the first few weeks. It can also subside quicker and I ask what am I supposed to learn through this.

 

I am learning to get busy living. WHY?  Because I am wonderfully made and for a purpose. I need to discover what that is. 

I am learning to take care of myself a well as I took care of my wife and her mother.  It is sometimes hard to take care of myself because i sometimes don't FEEL like it.  

I am finding what works for me through this grief journey.  I still don't like. I still want my wife back.  The reality is that my beloved, Rose Anne,  has died. So, I try to remember all of the happier days and times in our life together.  It wasn't perfect but it was us.  

When I am able, I go back and read my initial posts to remind myself where this grief journey began and how I was initially. 

I still have some really low days. I make a gratitude list that helps me to remember,(when I cannot) the many blessings i have.  I still do my best to get plenty of rest, move, work, drink more clean water, and eat better food.  I still share the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is for myself and others who travel this grief journey can know and understand that they are not alone.

Hopefully, it may help a fellow traveler as I have been helped so much here along the way.  Keep coming here and sharing.  This is a safe place to share your heart and soul. 

I try my best to live in TODAY.  If I think too far ahead I have my own version of  "WAR GAMES" going on in my head.

As a christian,  I always pray, mostly, "Lord help me!"  I will be praying peace and comfort for you. - Shalom - George

 

[Margm]

George we are so alike and yet we are all so different.  The pain is unbearable sometimes and different things trigger it for all of us.  Keeping a journal is so important for many of you.  I did write once the other night,  but it was a good night, no real crying or anything.  But, the times I wrote before, right afterwards, I read them and they tore my heart out.  It was like pouring alcohol on a deep wound.  I ripped them out of the notebooks and threw them away never wanting to see them again.  Yet, that very thing, it helps some people.  Some people can look at the pictures and it helps.  I have not reached that stage yet.  Music soothes some people.  Just listening to a nonsensical song like Roger Miller's "King of the Road" made me cry because Roger Miller was gone now.  My daughter thought I had lost my mind.  

I came back down here to find the young Billy and myself, the happiness we had here.  That happiness was there once, but it would only be here now if Billy was here too.  But, I do not regret leaving the state Billy left me in for our home state.  I have such surreal feelings of not knowing where I am for an instant and forget I can go different places that I could not go in the other state.  Then Mama passing.  I have not grieved my mother.  Why can't I grieve my poor mother?  

Oh well, I guess these are things I will have to discuss with a shrink.  Just saying, we each are different yet we are all the same.  And my heart is with each one of you.  

[iPraiseHim]

On Monday it was intensely stressful because I worked in a hot home all day. The outside temps where 85. When it was time to drive home, the outside air temps dropped ten degrees and the heavy rains started.  It caused immediate condensation in all of my inside car windows.  It took twice as long to drive home due to the slow traffic, heavy downpours and constant fogging of the windows made it nearly impossible to see to drive. I came home to read all of the ways you can clean and "defog" windows.  Tuesday, the rains were slower so I drove with the windows down to try and keep the inside/outside temps the same.  I also installed a Damp-Rid packet to remove the excess moisture in the car.

Today is an interesting day. It has rained all this week.  Today especially heavy rains with flash flooding. So much so that the city of Norfolk has closed all schools.  I had a sudden cancellation so no work is scheduled for today.  I tried to get my car A/C worked on but the rains have halted that effort.  Apparently I have this instant fog machine in my car when it rains.  I plan to buy Rain-X and apply to the inside windows to reduce the fogging.  It will rain through Friday.  I have work Thursday and Friday.  

So I will be resting up today.  Emotions have been a roller coaster this week. I just found out my sister's AFIB is back again.  She has a high stress job dealing with special needs children, teachers, parents, etc.. and a husband that has medical issues.  They have also confirmed she has Type 2 Diabetes. It hits me hard because my wife had Type 2 Diabetes and did not manage it well. As much as I loved her, I could make her want to change and do what needs to be done to manage and heal.  I can not even make myself change despite knowing the affects of my carrying excess weight.  

I know all the things I need and should do but my mind, will, and emotions prevent me from doing the very thing that I know i need to do.  For me, I need to focus on this day, and ask God to help me and cause me to change and do what is needed to be healthier.  I have been going to bed earlier and waking up before it is time for the alarm to wake me.  I have been working to eat better, take vitamins, stay away from processed foods, and eat more fresh vegetables and reduce my carb intake from breads, pastas, cookies, etc... 

I am nowhere near perfect but I seem to do better when I admit I can not do it on my own willpower or self-esteem.  My esteem comes from my maker.  Each person needs to find what works for them. I share my journey for others in to show the process how I work through my grief.  I pray it will you on your journey as well. - Shalom  George   

[brat#2]

George, I feel for you and your fog.  There is nothing more frustrating that not being able to see when you are driving.  I had a car that use to do that and we could never get it figured out on how to stop it.  I know that isn't what you wanted to hear, but at least I had another vehicle to drive when the weather was bad.  Sorry to hear about your sister and hope she takes her medical issues seriously for both of you.  Good luck with the car and am hoping you can figure out how to stop it and keep up the good work on yourself and doing one day at a time is the best we can do.  Sending hugs

Joyce

 

[kayc]

6 hours ago, iPraiseHim said:

I tried to get my car A/C worked on but the rains have halted that effort. 

When can you get your car worked on, George?  I have that problem in my pickup, it's super old, doesn't have A/C, the windshield wipers only run super slow and off.  I try not to drive it in the rain or when it's snowing hard.  
 

I'm sorry about your sister's health, living with Diabetes seems a curse sometimes.

[iPraiseHim]

Yesterday was a productive day. In the morning, my A/C was repaired and it works great. I also, discovered that I have cruise control and enjoy using it.  I visited my Dad and fixed his computer, home telephone and his cell phone. Trifecta,  I am complete. 

I have had several cancellations this week.  It can be stressful not knowing what your income will be for the week.  Thankfully, I have a good "rainy day fund" to weather the storms.  I need to really focus on some tax paper work that is due in two weeks. The grief roller coaster is still operational with some tricky turns and possible spills.  I am just focusing on the ride and not the bumps in the road.

I am trying to learn how to have both grief and some happy days without feeling guilty.  The loneliness/lack of companionship is still a constant struggle. After this much time lapse, I would like to say that I'm coping with my wife's death.  But there are still times of deep pain, grief and questions.  It must be my heart coming to grips with the loss.

My sister has asked for some help.  She was diagnosed with AFIB again, and type 2 Diabetes.  My passion is to help, share and exhort.  

I shared with here this video which clearly explains the disease; the usual course of treatment to manage the disease by the doctors and why the treatment makes the diabetes worse.  Logically, I suspected this.  It does not makes sense that a doctor would prescribe a treatment plan that makes insulin resistance WORSE.   For those interested, The first ten minutes gives a good explanation from a medical doctor. and his alternative treatment protocol.  Anyone can do it that has Type 2 Diabetes.

 

This is my opinion. I believe my wife's early death (from the complications of type 2 Diabetes) could have prevented.  The doctors were managing the blood sugars (the symptoms) instead of healing the disease (insulin resistance).  My prayer is that all who can hear the message and desire to be healed will be given  the heart, desire, and will to do it.  - Shalom

 

[Margm]

George, we wish there was so much we could change.  Maybe you can help your sister now too.  I cannot believe he is gone.  Almost a year now and I cannot believe it.  I just cannot find him.  I can see him but I cannot feel him.  He was not supposed to leave first.  Nothing we can do.  But, maybe you can help your family.  My diet won't let me eat anything healthy.  It is called low residue diet.  No raw vegetables, can have cooked carrots and green beans and potatoes.  Never lettuce, tomatoes, anything with seeds, chocolate, or corn.  The dietitian could not believe I had to stay on it but she called me and said I could have wheat bread.  I can have all the white flour, sugar, all the stuff that is bad for you.  

You have done a lot of studying.  I hope your sister benefits from this.

Billy always wanted to eat healthy, but he could not give up the smokeless tobacco.  No matter how many vitamins and supplements we bought, it was useless.   
 

[iPraiseHim]

Marg, Oh how well I understand. Even now after 19 months, I still go through cycles of hoping her death was just a horrible dream.   I believe it was such a shock to me, that the reality of it just takes a lot of time to fully accept i on all levels.  As KayC and so many other have shared with the newly grievers, the initial grief intensity will lessen and eventually there will be moments of both grief and acceptance. 

It is a paradox that I can enjoy myself  and grieve at the same time.  I know to just FEEL the feelings but not act out because of them. FEELINGS are not FACTS but they do reveal to me where my heart is and what I need to learn and grow.

I woke up two nights from a deep sleep in a panic thinking 'I'm dying and I'm alone".  It's an odd thought since I know that when I die I believe I will go to heaven.  I really didn't like the feelings of struggle panic, trouble breathing; scared, etc...  When I've had them in the past, Rose Anne would comfort, pray, and calm me down.  Now that I am alone, I prayed form God to comfort me and calm me down.  I know now there is a reason  for all this.  I trust my heavenly father will take care and watch over me until He calls me home.

Learning to care for myself as well as I took care of others is something that is a daily work in progress.  Gut health, probiotics, vitamins, productive sleep, nutrition play a key role for me to not sleep into extremely down/ dark times.  Prayer, gratitude, sharing and caring all help me to get my focus off of myself and onto Christ. "Seek first the kingdom of God and all of these things (life) will be added to you." (paraphrased). 

Each of us needs to find our way through grief and learn to live each day.  It is easy to say and much harder to do.  I pray we all find our way and means of traveling this grief road. - Shalom 

[kayc]

I will have to come back and listen to the video after I'm off internet restriction (thanks to Microsoft who is on my bad list!).  I appreciate your sharing information with us like this.  I'm so sorry about your sister.

I don't fear dying and being alone as much as I fear living and being alone.  I do not want to live to be 90.  I've seen too much go downhill from there, my mom included.  If I can take care of myself well into my 80s I'll be happy.  I'd like to be able to leave my kids something, my parents didn't and it's just something I want to do.  For that reason I hope I don't have to go to a care center someday.  I don't feel like I did when I was in my 30s (who of us does?) and I just pray for strength to get through each day for the years to come.

I'm sorry you're experiencing anxiety...it's not a stranger to me either.