If You're Going Through Hell

[Margm]

1 hour ago, TerriL said:

We had plans, but they were for both of us as a couple. It wouldn't be the same if I attempted any of them alone. 

Okay WW, you got it down.  We all have different ways we honor/remember our mates.  Before Billy left, I knew I would RV and visit all the places we were planning on visiting.  It was something I would do to honor him.  If it had been me, his plans were to do the same.  Then the disaster struck.  I still planned to follow through.  It hit me at some point that I could never do any of the things we planned to do together.  We were not together.  Holding his wooden urn up and overlooking the Gila Wilderness threw me into such depression I knew I could not climb out of.  So, I will do the last thing Billy would have done.  I will move into an apartment..  I am a gypsy, not by birth, but owning a house, the responsibilities involved, the more than 2000 feet to roam around in, this is my worse nightmare to live without my Billy.  I was not old before Billy left.  Now I am everyone's worry.  Cannot get Mama on the phone, cannot know where Mama is, I am my kids nightmare and they are mine. 

I babysat my mom last night.  She was on Haldol.  She did not know I was there.  You wonder if there are things worse than death.  One thing is living without our mates.  Another is living like my mom does, on Haldol to calm her Alzheimer's. 

For those that have to live this very day as a reminder of it being your mates birthday, the anniversary of their death, or some other memorial day, I am so sorry.  We have Father's Day coming up.  Billy the Kid was lavished with gifts on that day.  He even told everyone what he wanted ahead of time.  I had a father also.  Neither are here.  We do what we have to do.  I wonder what Billy would want.  I don't know. 

[TerriL]

That's it, Marg. With our husbands by our side, there were still adventures to look forward to. I think the same thing.....Paul and I loved to drive out to the Everglades and watch the wildlife, the breeze moving the water and the swaying sawgrass. Alligators are my thing. What am I supposed to do now? Go out there and---I'll use your example---hold up Paul's urn so he can "look around"? Putting my arms around an urn isn't quite the same. 

That 89 year old friend who calls every day flips out if I'm not able to answer the phone and will call and call. I get a bit aggravated because, while I understand that she means well, I don't feel the need to inform her of my every move. Sometimes, you just need to ignore the phone and relax. It's my home phone, not an office phone, where I have to jump and pick up by a certain number of rings! 

The oddest thing-----I had a disturbing dream last night with Paul in it. We were arguing and he was saying such hurtful things. I sure hope that wasn't a "visitation" type dream! No matter, it still woke me up around 4:00am and I never got back to sleep. It bothered me. 

I have to share something positive that happened today. The neighbor down the street whom Paul had always helped out, finally came through. My grass has been getting rather long since I suspended my lawn service. He called this morning and asked if I would like for him to come down and mow it. I hesitated at first but then told him I would greatly appreciate it. I am so not used to asking for help, but I'm learning to stop allowing pride and stubbornness to get in my way when I truly do need assistance. Now, my grass is cut and knowing he drinks beer, I gave him a half case of Coors Light that Paul had stored in our kitchen. I don't drink alcohol so it would only go to waste. Paul approved, I'm sure. 

[DawnMarie]

Thank you all for your loving words of understanding. I know it seems like every time I come back i always feel I'm in a tragedy.  I do read some of your conversations without posting . And it does give a little bit of comfort. 

My

Mitam99, even I have a hard time believing it, but I don't have but a very small amount of support or understanding. My roommate tries but she compares it to losing a child custody issue and even tho that also is a mourning beyond compare, especially for a mother and no substantial reasoning , it's still no where close.

Ms Kitty, a very dear friend and the closest thing to my love for my grandmother since her passing, has helped me face a few days when I thought I couldn't.  James looked to her like a second mother and we both love her and respect her wisdom.

I feel better today.  Not up to 100% but any % up is a good thing.  

[DawnMarie]

 

Terri, 

I will give that a try. I feel I have so much on my plate and don't know which tackel first.  It hasn't quite been 3 months yet, but it is a comfort knowing that what I'm going through is normal, considering.  Having emotional disabilities already and the hospital staff where he died attaching my character has caused even more mental anguish then anyone deserves. I consider it very abusive and completely unprofessional.  I still don't understand what that has to do with my husband's death, but it still has caused my grieving to be confusing and compounded. So it really helps to hear it's normal. 

[TerriL]

Dawn, my grief is complicated, no doubt, by the fact that I have a life long anxiety disorder and was also diagnosed with Crohn's a few years ago. I have to make sure I eat and take care of myself so I don't go into a flare. I also have not had much support at all and my sister compared the stress of what I've been going through to the stress she faces on her job. A job she chose and can retire from or quit if it becomes too much to handle. I, like all of us, did not choose my situation. It was forced on us against our will. I can't "quit" or retire from my husband being gone. If only!

I hope you find the journaling freeing and helpful. When I wanted to scream at every person who thought they "knew what I was going through" but never had experienced it, I would sit down and take to my journal and let it ALL out. Honestly, if a sailor or truck driver happened upon those pages, they'd blush! I held nothing back. and afterward, I'd feel just a bit calmer. Sometimes, I'd end up in tears again. It's everything coming out instead of being bottled up. It doesn't happen all at once, but if you keep at it, you should feel at least some of the weight fall off your shoulders. Oh, and although I wish this was true, it isn't a miracle either. I'm still missing Paul and wanting him back all the time. I'm sure it will be that way as long as I live. I still can't believe that this week marks eight months since he died. How that much time flew by is beyond me. It doesn't seem that long. 

[mittam99]

Dawn, I understand your feelings regarding many in the medical field. Over the years, my wife Tammy and I dealt with so many "professionals" that were incompetent and had the bedside manner of a wet rat. But, here's the thing. Right now, try not to dwell on them. They aren't important. You need to save your emotional energy for your own well being. For this grief journey. They have have to live with themselves... you don't.

By the way, mittam99 is my screen name, you are welcome to call me Mitch, like everyone else.

[kayc]

Terri,

You're right (about the elderly lady calling), your home is your sanctuary and you need to do what is comfortable for YOU.

Dawn,

I'm glad you have friends, and even though they may not totally relate, at least they haven't forsaken you.  I'm sorry you didn't get to renew your vows, but the fact that you wanted to means you already did in your hearts.

[TerriL]

Kay, thank you. You are so kind. I spoke with my elderly friend this afternoon and I was chastised for not calling her back last night. For some reason, she has it in her head that I'm going to fall and when I'm finally found, my cats will have had me for a five course meal.  I try to reassure her, but to no avail. Let's just say I take many deep breaths so I can deal with it. Although, now that I think about it, sometimes my cat Frankie does look at me funny. Haha! 

[mittam99]

38 minutes ago, TerriL said:

For some reason, she has it in her head that I'm going to fall and when I'm finally found, my cats will have had me for a five course meal.  I try to reassure her, but to no avail.

Wow Terri, sounds like that old lady has been watching way too many late night horror flicks or reading Stephen King novels or something. Sheesh. Oh wait, I do remember that little known book "Kitty Cat Cannibals". Just saying.

Beware of Frankie and his "funny" stares at you. That's not short for Frankenstein by any chance?

[Gwenivere]

Terri, my neighbors and I barter services.  It works quite well.  They mow my lawn and I watch thier chickens when hey leave for a couple of days.  If this saves me from mastering a lawn mower, I'm all for it.  There are just some things Stvecdid I have no interest in doing.  

[Margm]

I'm sorry, I don't know how to put things on here.  I think if you know one iota of how to find things you can go to this.  Maybe Marty will put it on correctly.  Again, I am sorry.  But, I enjoyed this article.  Maybe you will, maybe you won't.  If it will not allow you to go straight to it, you can copy it and read it if you want to.  I am putting it on here because I hog enough space on this forum as it is. As screwed up as I get with pasting and copying, I might have put this in 100 different places.  Anyhow, I liked it, maybe you will also. 

http://new.www.huffingtonpost.com/megan-devine/stages-of-grief_b_4414077.html

[brat#2]

Marg, you did it right, I was able to click on the link and it went right to the article.  I did like the article, thank you

Joyce

 

[MartyT]

Hooray for you, Marg ~ you tried to do it yourself and you did it! I'm proud of you ♥

 

[Margm]

Thanks Joyce.  I have to hook up  some things in the apartment and Billy has always  been my "hooker" so it looks like this old dog will learn a new trick or two.  Got a new futon and dining set for the apartment, drop leaf table, small.  Got a full week filled up until the 21st, then will go  back to Arkansas and try to finish up.  Fixing to so take care of my mom for the evening.

Marty, you would get a kick about my machinations to get it here.  I'm the type of person who will no through Texas from Louisiana to get to Mississippi.

I have a new vacuum cleaner I did not know how to empty.  I found out by touching a lever and pouring dirt (full canister) all over my shoes and the kitchen floor.  Relatives staying in my house had cleaned the floors.  It was full of dirt.  Used my old one to clean it up.  I think this old hound dog can still chase a stick (unless they throw it in the water).

[Widowedbysuicide]

Good for you Marg!  It is so good to know that we can move forward at a pace that is right for us.  

You inspire me!  

You make me think!  

You help me see!  

AND you make me laugh, and THAT is very GOOD!

Thank you, and keep on moving forward.  I think there is a place ahead that we each will find that makes us more whole again.

Marita

 

[Margm]

Thanks Marita, we are gonna make it, we have no choice.

[TerriL]

Right on, SW, aka Marg!!! I really liked that article so much. I feel like printing it out and sending it to a few people who have had "opinions" on how I should be grieving. I'll grab a bright yellow highlighting marker and just run that sucker through the whole article! Haha!

Mitch, you made me laugh---sometimes I DO call my little ginger boy, "Frankenstein" when he's misbehaving. He was actually named for Frank Sinatra, (who could also be a bit of a Frankenstein at times from what I've read about him). I'm not really worried about Frankie having ulterior motives----yet. If the day comes that I spot him carrying teeny-weeny salt and pepper shakers or a bottle of hot sauce, then I may become a bit concerned.  

Joyce, thats such a great idea if you have the right community, but with my neighbors, I'd be afraid of getting into the bartering habit. The one next door never knows when to quit asking for favors and to borrow things. In the past, she's even asked to borrow my deodorant! Um........NO. She's also the one who offered to help me with taking care of the pool, on the condition of her being allowed to access my yard anytime she wants during the summer to go in it. Again. NO. I value my privacy here and do not want to turn my home into a public park. It's also a liability I can't afford. I'd rather just drain the pool and be as self-sufficient as possible.

Well, I'm getting ready for a visit this afternoon from the satellite dish repair guy. Yes, there is yet another appliance malfunction! The appointment was originally scheduled for yesterday afternoon, but shortly before he was due to arrive, it began pouring rain. Since the company informed me that the dish issues I've been experiencing are due to needing a new receiver (the man called mine "obsolete" and I felt like he was talking about ME) and a brand new dish itself on the outside of my home, I figured it was pointless for him to still come out. I called and rescheduled. I should have known better. Ten minutes after I rescheduled, it quit raining and the sun was out for the rest of the day. I just shake my head sometimes. It turned out for the best though, because it dawned on me that while I had cleared off the shelf above the TV and where the other equipment is stored, all the wiring and stuff is BEHIND the TV and the shelves underneath that the TV rests upon. That area back there has not seen a vacuum in so long, I'm afraid of what I'll discover. For all I know, Jimmy Hoffa could be back there. Okay, maybe not. But I realized that the whole "pulling everything out so the guy could access it" part of this used to be Paul's job. I never had to worry about it. It didn't even cross my mind until the time drew closer for the man to actually show up. So, after I post this, I'm off to pull the TV out and see what lies beyond! I didn't want to mess with it too early and potentially screw up my cable and everything else. :::heavy sigh::: I don't even know how everything is hooked up---Paul knew all that. Please wish me luck. I need l i can get!

[Polly]

Terri, 

That's funny. I have a big orange cat named Frankie as well. My husband named him. We also at times call him Frankenstein.  

You got this on the moving of the tv. 

[brat#2]

Terri - it was actually Gwen that said that about the neighbors and bartering system, however, I do have a few of those I am able to that with.  I know about the appliance malfunction, Tuesday my central A/C in the late afternoon decided to not work right, got the repair guy here and of course he said the same thing to me.  Your unit is very old (11 years) and really needs to be replaced.  Well, I don't have the money for that right now, so he got it working again and after $464.00 I've got cool air again.  I'm like you, Dale handled all that stuff and don't really know what it entails to get things ready for a repairman to come.  I'm sure my tv and wires, etc are the same as yours, who knows what I would find back there!

You can do this!!

Joyce

 

 

[TerriL]

Thank you Polly and Joyce! (And I apologize to Joyce and Gwen for getting their names mixed up! My mind is a jumble sometimes.) Update on the TV situation: it's still where it was before I wrote my earlier post. The TV itself isn't so hard to move, but it's hooked up to so many wires, boxes, etc. and I'm just afraid of messing something up. And the shelves underneath----I couldn't even slide it when I pushed into it with my whole body. I'm not completely sure what I might be doing wrong, so I'm just leaving it and maybe the guy that comes here, Royston is the tech named on my order, will be able to handle it. I did the best I could and was unsuccessful at moving it. There we have it. I can only do so much and I'm really wishing Paul was back again. I'd feel better having Paul with me when the guy would come into the house. I'm always on edge, just a little bit, even when they're nice guys. I'll get on here and post something after he leaves. If you don't hear from me, call the cops! Haha! 

[brat#2]

Terri - I completely understand about how easy it is to get jumbled and after reading the posts, it is easy to mix us up...lol.  I'm sure the guy coming will be able to handle moving everything for you and I would be the same way afraid of messing things up and making it worse.  It is hard to let a man into your home when you don't know them, I felt that way a little on Tuesday when the A/C repair guy came, but we do get through it.  Stay strong!

Joyce

 

[TerriL]

Thank you, Joyce! You are Joyce, right? HAHA!!! 

This whole situation began simply because I wanted to watch a Pay Per View movie---Hello, My Name Is Doris (even if I'm afraid "Doris" might too closely resemble "me"---haha!). My satellite wouldn't get the movie and I discovered it's because I have the T. Rex of receivers. I'm praying for a great outcome. All I know is that my TV and satellite dish had better be working fine when the new episode of Outlander comes on Saturday night!  

Oh, of course! It's been hot and sunny all morning and now, I'm hearing thunder and black clouds are rolling in! Welcome to summertime in South Florida. I'm NOT rescheduling this time! 

[brat#2]

Yes, I am Joyce....lol.  Of course, I live in central Florida and I was the same way when the A/C guy was coming, I could hear thunder all around me, but it was too hot without the A/C so I wasn't going to cancel.  I'll  keep my fingers crossed for you that the rain, etc holds off until he can get there and get you all fixed. 

Joyce

 

[KarenK]

I wonder if being "electronically challenged" is primarily a girl thing. I have a myriad of wires running behind my equipment and have no idea what is what. Like you all, Ron installed everything. I have five Bose speakers around the walls, only one of which is working, so I hear everything in mono. I doubt that four speakers quit at one time and think that it is probably a receiver problem, but sure can't afford $500 for a new one. Unfortunately, that is not covered under my home maintenance agreement with Sears. It is expensive to purchase , but has saved my butt many times with repairs. It's sad, but I also have grass growing through the foundation? on that wall. All I know to do is to keep the outside area trimmed and keep pulling that grass out from the baseboard.  lol

I used to be a little leery of strangers coming here for repairs and always had my pistol within reach. They were probably more afraid of me than I was of them. Now  I just make sure they know I have a ferocious(ha-ha) dog. 

 

[TerriL]

Joyce, your crossed fingers must have worked! The rain never showed up and everything finally got installed. he only left just a short time ago, because he didn't have the correct receiver and then he did something that messed up my cable. We had to wait about a half hour for another worker to bring him the correct receiver and he messed up around and finally got the cable working again. So, everything seems to be great now and I finally have a receiver that's compatible with my HDTV. The picture is unbelievable! I only wish Paul was here tp watch his NCIS and Blue Bloods on it. He'd love how crystal clear the picture is. Of course, when I was moving my car to make room for him to bring his ladder to the side of the house, I discovered that my TRAC OFF and ABS lights are staying on. I looked that up online and apparently, it has something to do with the brakes. Really? Maybe that's why there was no rain. It wasn't a rain cloud at all, but the little black cloud that's hovering over MY head! I wonder how much THIS one is going to cost me? 

Karen, even though it's sweltering here, I turned off my AC, opened all the windows (so someone could hear me if I screamed---lol), opened the little door to my alarm system (so I could run for it and easily push the panic button if he tried something---lol) and I kept my phone clutched in my hand the whole time he was here. Isn't it terrible? He was a very nice, friendly guy. But, if it makes us feel safer, we have to do what we feel is best! Isn't it better to be prepared and have nothing happen than the other way around? I don't care if I look silly or even appear rude in some circumstances. I've learned to heed my natural instincts. They've saved me from being a crime victim on more than one occasion.