If You're Going Through Hell

[iPraiseHim]

Marg M, I'm sending hugs and prayers your way.  I have no answers either.  You are not mean, you express yourself instead of keeping it all bottled up inside like most people.  You know this is a safe place to express yourself; your pain, tears, and grief.  You have the four major stressors in your life in the last ten months.  Considering all that, You are doing the best you can for your circumstances.  Just we are with you on this journey together. Lord, "grant Marg M the peace that passes all understanding and guard her heart and mind through Jesus Christ" -  AMEN 

[Clematis]

3 hours ago, TerriL said:

 That neighbor, Mimi, is WAY out of line! If someone came up to me and said, "I think your dad is going to die soon", I think I would have told her, "You know, you don't look so well either. Maybe you should get checked out!" HAHA! And Marg thinks SHE'S mean!  Honestly though, that neighbor sounds like she has issues of her own. I'd ignore her if I were you. Are you living in your dad's house? I'm just wondering, if she's your dad's former neighbor, why you still have two put up wth her at all. 

Thanks, Terri...I appreciate it. When my dad was alive, her nosiness was helpful for the most part because she would call me if he fell or if she hadn't seen him in a while, or something else seemed odd to her. Also, I used to call her when my dad didn't answer the phone and she'd go have a peek since he had no covering over the window next to his front door. I would thank her and she would tell me all about how he shouldn't be driving, should be in assisted living, that his house was a mess, etc., as if all that was news to me. I'd think, "Hello...I am a social worker and yes I have heard of assisted living and no, you are not able to determine his competency".

I moved out of my dad's house (mostly) almost two weeks ago, but I am still going through things at his house. His garage and part of the house are full of boxes and other stuff I need to go through. Mimi was always sweet to my dad, but quick to criticize me and tell me what to do. For example, my dad had a security door on his house which was misaligned, so it's noisy when it closes. Mimi spends a lot of time on her computer in the next condo where she can hear the door closing. I never realized this, but she let me know within a few days of his death that it had been bothering her for ten years and she couldn't stand it any longer. I went straight to the hardware store and bought a file to remove some of the metal. That helped some, but the door is not right and still closes with a metal bang. (My similar door doesn't do this). Why didn't she talk to my dad about it? If she had told him right away, he probably could have gotten the installer to come back and fix it. Even in the subsequent ten years, had she talked to my dad about it, he would have and could have paid someone to fix it. Why wait until right after he was dead and lay it on me? 

 

[Margm]

17 minutes ago, iPraiseHim said:

peace that passes all understanding

Oh George, I thought I was all cried out.  That is Mama's favorite passage and she would say it all the time.  I know she must have known her little mind was not "just right."  She was never lacking in intelligence.  She had a full paid scholarship to college even back in her days and her mom would not let her take it.  She always said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity, and I believe Mama knew that line very well.  She finished a vocational technical business course after I was married and her mama told her she was too old for all that foolishness.  She loved working though.  Worked for lawyers and then for the state.  Stayed angry at my dad for getting sick and dying and making her miss out on a promotion she had upcoming.  I think I stayed angry with her from the time she read my diary when I was 15 until now.  And now, all I remember are the good things.  Life's a bitch and then you die.  

Thank you George for all your prayers, they are needed.  And yes, we can just say what we want to on here, someone always understands.  .  

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, scba said:

I wasn't there too. I declined to watch him die and to see his body after. I don't regret that, although I feel selfish for having saved myself from witnessing it. Nurses asked us to leave the room before he expired. Don't know why, but nobody said a word. Seeing him death would have haunted me for the rest of my life. I am still haunted by the sound of the heart beat's machine. I cannot erase the image of his face before dying. I was frightened and in despair. I never said goodbye. It doesn't matter, I must live with this and that and the rest. 

I wasn't with my dad at the very end. He was about an hour and a half away...I had seen him earlier in what turned out to be his last conversation with anybody and spoon fed him some brown sugar/maple yogurt he took a fancy to at the end. They called me to tell me he was going downhill but I wouldn't have had time to get there. Actually, I don't think he wanted me there and he just sort of slowly checked out after I left, and was non responsive the next time someone went in his room. Lena, my cat, woke me up by licking my face not long after he died. She has never done this before or since and I think he came to tell me he was gone. I woke up and called the hospital and they told me he was gone.

I felt selfish for driving home and going to bed that last night. I was exhausted and I think that at some level he was waiting for me to leave. I didn't have a good feeling about things and I tried desperately to get one of my sisters on the phone. I finally had my dad leave her a message. She never picked up or returned my many calls. I asked one of the nurses to come look at him. I told her, "I know you can't know for sure, but can you just tell me if he looks like he might die tonight or anything?" She went in, talked to him a bit, noted that he seemed well oriented and said, "no, I think he's ok". But he was gone within 12 hours.

The nurse had no idea but I think my dad knew. In our last conversation my dad told me his father was in the room with us, and added, "you are the one who told me he was here". He told my sister that we (he and I?) were going on a journey, and then said he was just kidding and he wasn't going anywhere. I suppose that the last details probably always seem really significant, like the last chord of a piece of music...

[kayc]

Marg,

My heart goes out to you today as you're waiting for your mom to die...I remember going through that.  My mom was in a dementia care center and there was no room for me to stay there, so although I could visit, I could not stay...she passed in the wee hours of the morning, I was not there.  George passed in a hospital that wouldn't let me be in his room while they worked on him, I couldn't be with him either.  I wish I could have been with both of them while they passed.  I've heard from many that they choose to go alone sometimes, perhaps to spare us that, I don't know.  I still wish I could have been with them at their time of passage.  It seems weird to be there for them all the time during their lives and then not be when they go through one of the most profound moments of their journey.

Your sister should NOT be smoking around your mom, let alone your daughter!  Grrr!  She can step outside to smoke!  The mother & daughter in me kicks into protective mode...I grew up being forced to inhale smoke, I just don't feel anyone should be subjected to that.  I have allergies and Asthma, so I feel for your daughter, let alone your mom.  Forcing smoke on others seems very selfish to me.  My George was a smoker, but oh so considerate!  He always smoked outside, then came in and washed his hands and brushed his teeth.  I never met another so considerate.

I hope you get your Xanax in...seems like a day for one.

Your talking about people saying things that don't help...I get that, I really do, but it seems their trying to help shows caring at least.  I made a special hand made card for each member of my mom's family when she died.  I wrote something heartfelt, something different for each one befitting their situation/relationship and history with her (my mom was a difficult one, caused a lot of people a lot of pain in her lifetime).  It wasn't easy, I spent hours at it.  I did it to bring some peace to each one.  I didn't hear back from any of them.  In other words, not one in the whole family reached out to ME, who was in need also!  I'd have taken even the wrong word.  Well, not just anything, my sister told me when I called to tell her of my mom's death, "Well it's not like she was ever a mother to you!"...I didn't need that.  WRONG thing to say to someone grieving!  Families can be amazing, can't they?!  They can all come up with their different version of how to be!

 

[TerriL]

I don't know. Today is just a weird day and I'm not even sure what to say about it. I'm feeling so bad for Marg (SW). I've been through that with my parents, too, and words alone can't convey the feeling of what you go through when you are "waiting". Waiting for someone to breathe their last on this earth, being encouraged by hospice people to tell them to go or realizing that you're about to begin another countdown once they have gone, (one hour since, two weeks since, ten months since ,etc.). The first thing I was greeted with this morning was an email informing me that yet another friend of Paul's and mine (another man that he had worked with for years on the FD) had passed away in the hospital overnight. As of yet, there aren't any details, but does that really matter? He's gone, either way. It feels as if there's a lot of that to life now---loss, hearing of others' losses. 

And yet, there is always something to remind me that life keeps going on, like discovering your dryer isn't working. I did a whole load of towels last night and 70 minutes in the dryer didn't do anything for them. It steamed them. The dryer was hot, but the towels were still wet and there was a lot of condensation on the inside of the door, hardly any lint in the lint trap. I left ti and decided to wait until his morning when it would be light enough to see and I tried cleaning out lint from the outside vent. I guess the slats were old and dried out, because two of them cracked and fell off, leaving the exposed hole. I don't need iguanas or squirrels crawling inside my dryer vent, so I covered it with a small box and duct tape, called the repair people and they will come out tomorrow to look at my "situation". Just this past February, my 17 year old washer quit and I had to buy a new one. Now, it appears that my 17 year old dryer is heading the same way. I have my fingers crossed that it's something fixable. Paul, I NEED YOU!!! 

[KarenK]

Terri,

It's always something, isn't it. My dryer is 46 years old and still working, "knock on wood". I have replaced the washer 2 times during those years. For me, it's the year old $300 mower I bought. My son came to mow the yard and it won't start. I did not buy the extra warranty for financial reasons. We're thinking the fuel line is clogged? so he'll check that. Fortunately, my old mower still runs well enough to mow my scant grass. I found a card from code enforcement on my gate regarding my yard fiasco so I called her. It's as if they are hovering to make sure I comply. I told her that I weedeated the grass growing in the sidewalk and that the yard with little grass was being mowed as we spoke. She said to keep watering it, DUH! She would check back in 2 weeks. NEWS FLASH! THE GRASS ISN'T GOING TO GROW IN THIS HEAT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WATER.  And that weedeating the sidewalk was not enough, that I needed to dig the grass out. MY SON CAME UNGLUED! He called her back and said we would water until the grass was 6 feet high, but were not going to dig the grass out of the sidewalk joists. That should be the problem of those that created the sidewalk. I'm not sure why I'm on their radar, but fight them every year over this. Seriously thought about pouring gasoline on it and burning it out, but need a burn permit. I SO HATE LIVING HERE! Can you tell I'm upset? I don't need this hassle.

Hope your dryer is a quick fix.

[TerriL]

Karen, where I live, summer is when the grass grows like crazy. It's been raining pretty much every afternoon lately and it needs to be cut every two weeks. Winter is when it all slows down and the rain is only sporadic. Your code enforcement people are strict! Not a lot for them to do in your town? Lol Here, I watch as code enforcement rides by blatant infractions and just keeps on going. 

You're right, you don't need that hassle. I wish you luck with both the mower and the lawn thing. I'll let you know what happens with my dryer. 

[kayc]

Terri, there isn't much to a dryer, mostly space, they're pretty easy to work on so they ought to be able to fix it.  I've had mine 38 years now and it's still running...it wasn't even worked on until eight years ago!  Not like washers, which don't last as long.

If it's getting hot inside it's probably not an element.  Is it spinning around, or can you tell?  Well soon they'll be there and you'll know.

Karen, I'd put some grass killer in between the cement so it'd quit growing there!   And are they kidding about watering the grass?  Most places have people on water conservation!  Mine keeps growing even when everyone else's is brown and dead!  And both lawnmowers broke, couldn't get anyone to look at them so got rid of them.  My neighbor was mowing mine until he ruined the transmission on his tractor.  Ah well, at least I don't have a city breathing down my neck!

[TerriL]

Kay,

Now I'm trying to remember, but yes, I believe it was spinning, too. Getting hot, spinning, and wet towels. I did manage to pull some lint out of the outside vent, but when the slats broke off and I had to cover it with a box and duct tape it to the wall of my house---I'm laughing just typing that! Keepin' it classy! :D---I was afraid to start the dryer up again because I wasn't sure what would happen with the box on the vent. I've been reading stuff online and they mention how it could catch on fire and I'm scared of that! I'm amazed at how long you and Karen have had your dryers! I've been happy with my dryer up to this point, so I am hoping it's easily fixable. Maybe a clogged vent I couldn't reach or a minor part that he has on him. Now, the laundry is once again piling up because I have no way to dry it! I hung the damp towels outside for a while and they're mostly dry now, but we've been getting so much rain, I can't hang everything up. I don't have that much clothes line anyway. 

As far as our lawns go, maybe we should all just buy ourselves some goats! Let them eat the grass. Problem solved! lol

[kayc]

The laundry can get rank and mildew if left wet too long, can you take it to a laundromat to dry it?  I've seen it ruin the towels if left wet, the mildew doesn't just smell, it stains them with black dots.

Yeah, you don't want to run a dryer with a plugged vent.  Not safe!  I clean the lint trap every load.

[iPraiseHim]

4 hours ago, KarenK said:

Terri,

 I found a card from code enforcement on my gate regarding my yard fiasco so I called her. It's as if they are hovering to make sure I comply. I told her that I weedeated the grass growing in the sidewalk and that the yard with little grass was being mowed as we spoke. She said to keep watering it, DUH! She would check back in 2 weeks. NEWS FLASH! THE GRASS ISN'T GOING TO GROW IN THIS HEAT, NO MATTER HOW MUCH I WATER.  And that weed eating the sidewalk was not enough, that I needed to dig the grass out. MY SON CAME UNGLUED! He called her back and said we would water until the grass was 6 feet high, but were not going to dig the grass out of the sidewalk joists. That should be the problem of those that created the sidewalk. I'm not sure why I'm on their radar, but fight them every year over this. Seriously thought about pouring gasoline on it and burning it out, but need a burn permit. I SO HATE LIVING HERE! Can you tell I'm upset? I don't need this hassle.

Hope your dryer is a quick fix.

I used to be a lawn care guy.for five years before I switch to residential home cleaning.  Use Roundup spray on the cracks or even better a strong salt and water solution. The salt will kill the grass and then you can whack it with the weed eater. Gasoline dangerous and could cause the sidewalk to heave.  

On the lawnmower, a good preventative to put in the gasoline is "STA-Bil"

especially good when the gasoline is not used for more than thirty days.  Most current gasoline blends have Ethanol in them depend on your state.  I hope this helps.  Shalom

[Margm]

It's over.  The little stubborn woman is gone.

[Froggie4635]

My heart goes out to you, Marc. You were/are a good daughter. I hope you can now feel a sense of peace. 

[KarenK]

Marg,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it has been a long, tough road for both of you.

[mittam99]

Marg, I hope you're able to find solace and a sense of calm that you truly need in your life.

May your mom rest in peace.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

As Karen said, I know this was a tough road for you.  I truly don't know what else to say being in a place we are so tired of hearing the cliched lines.  My heart goes out to you.

[scba]

Marg, I send you a hug. I'm sorry for your loss. 

[Gin]

Marg,

So sorry.  Peace to all.

Gin

[MartyT]

Blessings to you, dear Marg. I am grateful that this long goodbye is over for you, and may your mom rest now in eternal peace. We hold you in our hearts tonight  ♥

[enna]

Thinking of you tonight, Marg.  

[KATPILOT]

I'm thinking of you too Marg.

[Clematis]

4 minutes ago, KATPILOT said:

I'm thinking of you too Marg.

Yeah, me too. I hope you're getting through it ok. Losing parents is so hard...even losing parents who weren't great parents...

[Margm]

I am just too emotional I guess.  My sister is not.  She likes her solitude.  I asked if she wanted me to come spend the night and thank goodness she didn't.  She said "Margaret, I don't believe in ghosts and Mama would not hurt me anyhow."  I'm afraid I might not have my magical, mystical imagination, but I do have a weird imagination and I do get haunted easily.  By what, I don't know.

Thank you all, and of course you all know just what to say.  I honestly think Mama had postpartum depression after my sister was born and it snapped somewhere in her brain.  My mama before my sister was born was a loving, sweet, beautiful woman that taught me poems, read to me and would drive by my school just in hopes of seeing me.  My sister is nine years younger than me and for some reason Mama never let her forget she was supposed to be a boy.  I think somehow something was lost after that birth and my sister did not know the same Mama I knew.  But, I believe she is with her sisters now and her mom and dad, Billy and my dad.  And, that is what I want to believe.  My mom was not happy when she lost the use of her legs and could not get out in the dirt and farm.  We will bury her cremains next to my dad under the stone that she bought back in 1984, when my dad passed.  Her date will be entered on her side.  The box has to be buried 24 or 25 inches deep and my uncle will have the funeral home take care of that too.  

Well, I will be 74 on August 13th.  I am now a 73-year-old orphan and widow.  .

[Widowedbysuicide]

I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts and I wish for some peace for you.