Am feeling alittle annoyed at Kevin's family

[rdownes]

I am frustrated with Kevin's family the day of the funeral all they did was say if you if you need anything please let us know we need to be closer. Well here it is almost four months later and I have a reality inspector coming out on Monday have things I need to fix Kevin is gone he always fixed everything if the stuff isn't fixed might say I can't stay so I asked his family to help and no one will. I haven't really gotten angry since Kevin passed but this has my blood blood boiling, I was Kevin soulmate and his kids are their blood I don't understand why would they do thi. Just am so frustrated.

[kayc]

Robin,

I'm sorry.  I haven't heard from George's family since he died either.  He was one of eleven kids (one preceded him in death).  Out of the nine brothers and sisters left, three came to his funeral.  His dad was offered a ride and declined coming.  He only lives two hours away.  After the funeral one of his brothers (in prison) contacted me because he wanted George's coin collection (which he no longer had).  What makes him think he should have had it anyway!  I told him if he wanted something to remember him by, I have some hospital bills...  I never heard from him again.  Good riddance!  His dad called a year later badmouthing George.  I told him to call back when he had something nice to say, that George had always been there for him and how dare he!  I never heard from him again.  (Sorry, George, I know you cared about your dad, but I just couldn't handle listening to that!)  I hear from his daughter once in a while on FB, once in a very great while from his son.  It's my kids and I that miss him the most, we knew him best.  All of our friends disappeared.  There are a few people at our church that were there when George was alive and they speak well of him, but many have come and gone since that time.  

I have no one to count on for help with anything.  It's hard, esp. when you can't always afford to hire everything done, but I prioritize and get to things when I can.  That's all I can do.
 

[brat#2]

Robin, I'm sorry that you are having to go through that.  I know what you are feeling.  I haven't heard from Dale's family either since he died.  I called his one brother and told him and that is the last I spoke to any of them.  I was a part of their lives for 33 years and now nothing.  It is difficult, what little support I have, doesn't live close to me so I'm on my own too, to try to get things done that need to be done.  I know this doesn't help much in how you are feeling, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this with everyone disappearing after he died.  Hugs to you

Joyce

 

[Gin]

Well, add me to the list.  I only hear from Al's sister-in- law once in awhile.  His sister, lots of nieces and nephews have become mute.  He had 2 close friends who also do not contact me.  I have reached out to them and they responded, but if I do not reach out, they are quiet.  I am done.  They do not live in my part of the country, so I will never see them, anyway.   Sad, but I guess it is not uncommon.

[scba]

Include me too. I don't know why this happens, particularly when "before" there was a close bond with their family. In my case, I was close but not as a friend to my brothers and sisters in law. I hear from them on Xmas, I doubt if I will ever see them again. I'm closer to his mother and we keep in touch regularly, but lately I quit because I am still grieving much and she doesn't want to be sad nor nostalgic, and I don't want to make her sad. I check on her but I don't talk about my current life, I don't want to lie to her. I talk about nonsenses, the weather and our pets. There is another factor, "before" I felt like I could give her some advise and speak up my mind about family issues. Now I feel I have no right anymore to give my opinion. His family is not the type of keep regular contact with friends and relatives, and some people are not very good at keeping bonds with others who don't meet often. This is my experience.

 

 

 

[rdownes]

It makes no sense I am so sorry for all of you, I think death should bring you closer it should teach you what is important in life I know it has taught me so much I don't understand people and what the world has come to sometimes I feel Kevin is the lucky one not to be dealing with none of this anymore I can't change people though can only work on myself hugs to you all

[Brianna]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Thats awful. I agree with you, I think death should bring us closer not tear us apart & I agree with you that your SO is lucky he doesn't have to deal with it anymore. My SO's parents had the gall to tell my SO's suicide was my fault after weeks of manipulating me & telling me they love me & so many lies. My SO dealt with so much manipulation from them & dealt with so much hurt from them, I shouldn't have been surprised when they lashed out at me but it spiraled me into a dark depression. but its like they say hurt people hurt people & they are very hurt & damaged people. Im so glad to know I am not the only one dealing with parents/family that is not being supportive & kind when it comes to the loss of my loved one. Its so sad that we are all having to deal with this...

[rdownes]

Brianna am so sorry your SO parents blame you know it was not your fault yes when people are hurting they can lash out on people. I don't know if your SO had a mental disorder but my husband like I said had bipolar I remember the first time he tried and almost succeeded I blamed myself and it took me awhile to understand it was not my fault people even feel guilty when their loved ones just pass away even though death is a natural thing that will happen to everyone we think their is something we could have done. Maybe you should not speak to your SO parents for awhile and just focus on dealing with your grief hugs Robin

[Clematis]

I have had the same experience of people behaving dreadfully (my greedy sisters) after my dad died. Our dad. They were there for the money but didn't really care about my dad. Or about me. My mother died a decade before my dad did, and her sister - my beloved aunt - died a few months after my dad died, and them my sisters stopped talking to me. Essentially I lost my entire family. There are some cousins, nieces, and nephews, but no one I am close to. It was like I had this great little family that was me, my dad and my cat Lena. Now it is just me and Lena.

It's terrible the things that families can do after a death, and it seems like anybody you can find on the planet to talk to has some story of dreadful behavior by people they are related to. I don't get it, but I sure have seen a lot of it.

5 hours ago, rdownes said:

 ... sometimes I feel Kevin is the lucky one not to be dealing with none of this anymore I can't change people though can only work on myself hugs to you all

My dad has been rather talkative since his death and there have been several times when I was ruminating about my sisters' cruel desertion of me after our dad died. They did nothing for him or me while he was alive and nothing afterwards either. So there I would be, ruminating and becoming upset and I hear my father's voice, clear as a bell, "Ah - the hell with em!" A favorite expression of his...

[KATPILOT]

Yes Laura. Listen to your dad.

I am lucky enough to have a sister who gets it. She such an important part of my life now while I haven't spoken with my brother for five years and doubt I ever will again. In our hearts we know we are good people and those who stick by us reassure us that is true. You don't suffer with a loss such as ours if you were not.  A funny thing about grief is that every one who is in that place loves deeply and was loved right back. So after you have been beaten up by family and friends who say hurtful things or desert you, you find yourself drawn to a sanctuary where people gather who have lost someone they've loved  and share their love with each other. Then is when you realize that you have become part of something bigger than a place full of people who didn't care anyway. This little community of ours is just such a place.

[Clematis]

4 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

Yes Laura. Listen to your dad.

Thank you Steve - for all of your message, but especially this part, "Listen to your dad". It's crazy because I hear him and talk to him, but then will turn around and say that he's gone. He's not really gone. Sure, he's no longer living down there in that condo less than two minutes from mine, but he's not really gone. He can't help me with a lot of the things that he used to and I can't see him or cook dinner for him. Having him talking to me and checking on me is so far from his actually being alive here it's all I could think about was his absence - I wouldn't have said that it was reassuring because he died. But given what I actually do have with him, saying he's gone is a "glass half empty" statement. Huh.

Thanks again, Steve!

Laura

[Gin]

I do not have that feeling that Al is communicating with me.  Wish I did.  Don't know how to get it.  I do not feel him, hear him or see him.  We were so very close in life, I would think there would be some contact.  

[Polly]

41 minutes ago, Gin said:

I do not have that feeling that Al is communicating with me.  Wish I did.  Don't know how to get it.  I do not feel him, hear him or see him.  We were so very close in life, I would think there would be some contact.  

I wish I did too. Well, I have had several things happen in the past but not in awhile.

[mittam99]

19 hours ago, rdownes said:

I think death should bring you closer ...

Robin, since Tammy died, her family pretty has much treated me as if I don't exist. They don't care about my life moving forward and they have no interest in helping me in any way. It hurts to an extent, but, this isn't uncommon. I think we have to put it in perspective. Tammy's sisters have lost a sister. Her mom lost her first born baby. And daughter Katie lost her mom. They are dealing with that tragedy of their own. We're just "in-laws" to these people, not blood. I'm not saying that's right but you know what they say... "blood is thicker than water". The thing that upsets me is that I devoted my life to Tammy, would do anything for Tammy and loved her like no other. I tried to treat her like a princess. Yet, none of that matters to her family.

It's another one of those things where in a perfect world, family and in-laws would help each other, just because. Unfortunately, we live in an imperfect world with very imperfect, and at times, very self-centered people.

[kevin]

Robin, this is very common....I heard from my inlaws through there Lawyer....Another lovely story. I found through this journey you can count on "blood" and your close friends. It took me a good 8 months to get myself to level and 10 months to sort out the legal issues.....I miss my Angela so much, but I know she wants me to move on.

[Polly]

I have to say that I'm very close to my mother and father in-law. Although my mother in-law thinks I need a new man to take of me. (rolls eyes.) I'm also very close with one of my sister in laws and her husband. Rich's brother and sister that lives on both sides of me, I'm sure they would help if I asked. It would have to be a last resort for me because they never really cared about me when Richard was alive. My step-son will do anything for me. If he can't, he will find someone that can. Richard's ex-wife and her boyfriend would help me if I asked them also. I am thankful for that because all my family lives 4 hours away.

[kayc]

16 hours ago, Clematis said:

"Ah - the hell with em!"

[rdownes]

I just get frustrated because then they shouldn't have said what they said at the viewing if they didn't mean it I was with Kevin longer than any of his siblings were with their SO and we were the couple they thought would never last well proved the wrong we outlasted them all I was Kevin's last love and he is my only love but I have calmed down just have to accept it now and move past it have no time for anger anymore

[Cheryl J]

My prayers to everyone who is going through this "non-family" situation. Death changes families in a bad way....not all of them of course but I see it more than not. 

Hugs to all. 

Cheryl

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, rdownes said:

I just get frustrated because then they shouldn't have said what they said...

I agree totally. My guess is they said what they did in the moment. Then they went back to living their lives and (just as with my in-laws) you barely became an afterthought to them. It sucks, but right now your energy needs to be directed at finding some comfort in your life and not agonizing over their broken "promises". Hugs.

[Margm]

8 hours ago, Gin said:

I would think there would be some contact.

Gin, try doing like I do and talk to him anyhow.  I don't know why, I look at the clouds and talk to him, look at the moon and talk to him, and I talk to him before I go to bed.  I don't see him, I don't hear him, and I have not woke up thinking he was beside me in a long time.  If I dream of him the Xanax causes amnesia.  The comedian Martin Short goes out onto his patio and talks to his wife.  Of course, he has a drink.  But he carries on a conversation with his wife.  He even answers for her.  

My dad used to work the extra board for the RR.  That meant he was away from home a whole lot.  I was an only child for nearly nine years.  When I was about five I would ride my tricycle on the porch and yell for my daddy.  I remember telling her "Listen Mama, I think he hears me."  Well, I am that five-year-old again, and sometimes I think Billy hears me.  I am going to think he hears me.  I can see his dear bearded face and I am him and he is me.  So, I am going to have to be satisfied that as long as I am alive, so is he.  I have to think that way.  

I know you all live in your homes that you lived in with your mate.  I know that would be impossible to give up.  But, I had no attachment to my house.  The smartest thing for myself was to move to the apartment.  If anything goes wrong at all, my (what do I call him), apartment keeper upper guy takes care of it.  He even changes the AC filter when they come to spray for bugs.  No bugs so far.  But Kay, Billy's ashes are in an urn.  If I had put them at that house, I could not have left.  He and/or I was going to take the urn in the RV on the other seat.  I don't think I can handle an RV.  We do what we have to do.  We all do.  I do have family to help me, and they will, but I don't want to ask them.  Remember how I felt about my mom taking my  sister's life away from her by having to live with her 11 years.  Please Lord, that is my nightmare.  

[KATPILOT]

Perhaps Marg some houses may be portals. I don't know for certain but I strongly suspect I live in such a place.  I also believe that they can hear us and we can talk to them much more easily than they can us. It's just a feeling I have but a strong one. Some people find connection at a place that had meaning such a favorite travel spot. For some, it is in dreams and others it's butterflies or birds.  For me it's the stars. I don't know why but I find myself drawn to the constellation Orion. Now you all are really going to think I've lost my mind for sure but I bought this box of glow in the dark stars and put them on my ceiling years ago. They can't be seen till I turn out the lights and look up from my bed and there is Orion. My grandchildren might remember that one day. Perhaps one day I will tell them why.

In death Marg, Martin Short is someone I so relate to. I do my best talking to Kathy with a glass of wine in my hand outside in my backyard. I have no doubt that that is exactly what she would be doing if our places were switched.

[Margm]

Steve, after Mama passed, every night around 4:00 a.m. the little fire alarm (smoke detectors)  (I cannot think what you call them) would go off and beep slowly, one beep, a few moments, another beep, another beep, another.  This happened for a week, no hot spots, no smoke.  Never did it before.  Finally, my sister took it down.  It really unnerved her.  She knows Mama would not hurt her, but it never did this till Mama left.  Lots of things I cannot explain.  I will not even ponder why.  I am the type of person that called the things that are holding my laundry cart on its wheels as "spriggles" and they are nuts.  Discovered that when I went in the hardware section of Walmart. Anyhow, I am open to supernatural, or I used to be.  Billy was very pragmatic.  Our son thinks when he coded on the operating table (after being shot) that it opened a portal and he does feel things and sees things.  Billy tried to tell him it was some kind of dope he was on.  Scott won't argue, but he "sees things."   

I have done enough genealogy that cemeteries are portals for history learning.  My sister is antsy at Mama and Daddy's resting place  and anxious to leave.  I like to look around and say "Oh, there is Hassel's grave, do you remember, he built the new room on the house when we were kids.  Mama would cook for him and he would smack every time he ate."  My sister is like "lets get the hell out of here."  My great grandparents are buried together.  She is in the middle of her first husband and second husband (my great grandfather).  I look at them and the dates are all wrong, but my sister is just ready to leave period.  

[kayc]

12 hours ago, Marg M said:

But Kay, Billy's ashes are in an urn.  If I had put them at that house, I could not have left.  

I thought about that.  But I thought of all of the places in the world, the place George felt most comfortable, happiest, was our home.  He totally loved it.  It was where we shared life together, where we finished raising my son, it was home base for the kids.  I will live here as long as I can, and if the time comes I can no longer be here, it won't be that different from having him in a gravesite.  The place next door doesn't have a house on it, it is used very seldom for a camping spot.  It has an access path to my back yard.  So I can always go there and view the back yard, where his ashes lay.  I've told my kids I want my ashes spread where his are, so their last adventure will be to (if we no longer own the place) sneak over, dump the ashes, then run back to the path and say a prayer.   I think it will give them a funny memory.

[Widowedbysuicide]

Another of the 'me too' comments.  When we lose our partners why do we lose friends and family too?  I know the answer I just can't totally accept it.