My Sanity Needed Vents

[Margm]

8 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I never know what to do on the new date in my life of losing Steve.

Anything that was published or new movie of 2015, I avoid like the plague.  That year is my demon year.  If it says 2015, I don't have it.  

[Gwenivere]

I just made one of the hardest calls.  I contacted a mobile vet so I would have someone to call in an emergency or for when it is time to let Ally go. I told him I never have done this alone and being a widow.  It was the logical thing to do, but I won’t have Steve here to discuss the obvious when time to.  I think that scares me more than anything.  Of course it will crush me to lose her.   I see the void growing larger to consume me.  I know I am doing the responsible and loving thing by getting prepared.

This Lap of Love iscso compassionate and said I am not alone, I could call them anytime just to talk.  I already knew the parameters for that kind of decision, but it helped to talk to them.  I don’t know how I will deal with after.  No one to cry with or hold onto.  I think that scares me more.  

[Margm]

Gwen, I'm so sorry.  And, that is really all I can say.  No words help.  Again though, I am so sorry you have to go through this.

[Gin]

My daughter had 3 cats.  She took in a stray a few years ago and nursed her back to fairly good health.  The cat (Gracie) was very old and had lots of issues.  Finally, she could barely get out of litter box.  Walking very hard.  She called for a vet to come to her apt. and euthanize Gracie there.  The vet was very kind and gentle.  They put Gracie on my daughters bed (where Gracie always slept.). Still very sad, but the cat was not traumatized.  Hard to do it, no matter how it is done.  Gin

[scba]

I'm so sorry Gwen. My heart breaks at reading about your dog. I don't know what to say.

[widow'15]

4 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I just made one of the hardest calls.  I contacted a mobile vet so I would have someone to call in an emergency or for when it is time to let Ally go.

Oh Gwen:  You know I am feeling your pain and your fear as you have to make this decision.  You are doing what you need to do in a loving, caring responsible way.  I don't know what I would have done had my daughter not been able to be here when I had to let my sweet Maddie go.  My heart is breaking, and tears are streaming down my face knowing how painful this is for you.  I am here if I can help in any way.  Love to you, Sweet Ally and Melody.  Dee

[Gwenivere]

I called my cousin to cry to.  Much needed.  Ally really stumbled on the stairs when I got home.  She then went back out and came up herself.  I so miss Steve thru this time.  He would keep me focused on the positive. My cousin reminded me that I haven’t faced a challenge yet I didn’t get thru even when I’ve thought I’ve hit my limit.  I’m hoping she is right. Thank you all for your compassion.  💖

[KarenK]

Gwen, just so sorry. My heart breaks for you.

[Gwenivere]

It’s been over 5 years now, and I got blindsided by another first.  I gotta wonder, when do they stop?  Like you, Dee, and others here, can we ever let our guard down?  Grief just never sleeps.  The only thing longer time does is little longer breaks before it rears up to remind us it’s never moving out.  That there will never be safety from its influence.  

[kayc]

Gwen, I am so sorry you are having to think about this, it's never easy.  It's the hardest thing in the world to make that decision.  You are doing right by planning ahead and having a plan in place when that time comes.  I know all too well how hard that is.  I would have had someone come to our house but Arlie was such a guard dog he would not have relaxed, he would have been in protect mode...whereas he knew the vet was there to help him and he trusted them.  I wish his end had been more peaceful, like Kitty's was.  The one consolation I have is that he is out of his suffering and I know I did the right thing ultimately.  

Your cousin is right, you have gotten through a lot, I know you will deal with what you must when the time comes, but I also know how hard and painful it is.  (((hugs)))

[Gwenivere]

I’m just going to say one more thing about this.  A hard thing I’m thinking today, even knowing I did the right thing getting prepared.  I’m having a very hard day today looking in her eyes knowing I am essentially planning her death.  I’ve been thru this so many times but with STEVE!!!   I feel like a monster inside.  I’m much better at emergencies than this.  It was the same when he died.  I focused on the immediate task at hand.  I never looked at the finish line.  I couldn’t.  Now I am tho I don’t know when and find it torturous.  I feel guilty when she comes to me or I pet her.  We made these decisions usually the night before going back and forth on yes and no.  No amount of saying I am doing the right thing is helping.  I look at that beautiful, precious kid of mine and feel so horrible.

***********************

I just called my grief counselor and she stressed working to replace these negative thoughts with ones of doing this from love and said I was a great dog mom.  That I knew this was coming, it was better than having no plan if something happened and to now file it all away and love and enjoy Ally as much as possible.  It’s hard to do watching her struggle at times, my floors covered with sheets for accidents, but she’s moving around a lot which is good.  My cousin had also said they often tell us when it’s time.  

Thank you for all the support.  It’s the circumstances that are so different.  It’s Steve not being here that has stirred up so much more and Ally being so symbolic of my last tie to what was once a wonderful life.  It doesnt help that every time I move it’s in pain.  Hard to keep balanced when you are assaulted on all fronts.

I just tried something neutral cleaning the birdcage and poured the water cup onto the liner pan on top of the paper instead of the sink.  I’m definitely in la la land. Im going to go for a trifecta and see if I can replace my mail alarm without a problem.  

[Kieron]

I'm so sorry, Gwen.  The approach of it is the thing, isn't it.

I dread the time when my cat will reach this point.  She's around 13 years old by now, still spry and into everything, but it'll happen one day, and she's the only other living thing here with a connection to Mark.

I don't see her much these days as the near-constant booming from people setting of fireworks around here drives her into hiding.  They start this crap in June and it goes on all month.  Her hearing is so acute she actually runs from rustling or crinkling plastic instead of thinking of it as a treat.

[Margm]

They put new signs up for no fireworks on apartment complex so they go out in the road in front of the apartments.  Kelli's pup is 9-10 years old and really fragile.  She jumps out of the chair and yelps.  She doesn't weigh anything hardly.  She got a young male cat at the pound and had it fixed.  Nawlin's could play with him when he was a kitten.  He is not a kitten anymore.  He hurts her with his claws.  Not a good time to have him.  But, I've been through this before and it is not pretty.  I'm glad Scott is there now.  Of course Nawlins does not have a mean bone in her body, just melting eyes that understand everything you say.  She still eats and has to be right on Kelli constantly.  If Kelli leaves her with me she stands at the door and makes the most pitiful sound.  I can get her to come up and sit next to me and that is about all I can do.  I'm not Kelli.  

[widow'15]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I just called my grief counselor and she stressed working to replace these negative thoughts with ones of doing this from love and said I was a great dog mom.  That I knew this was coming, it was better than having no plan if something happened and to now file it all away and love and enjoy Ally as much as possible.  It’s hard to do watching her struggle at times, my floors covered with sheets for accidents, but she’s moving around a lot which is good.  My cousin had also said they often tell us when it’s time.  

Gwen:  You are a great dog mom.  If you weren't you wouldn't be struggling with this decision to have a plan.  As long as your Ally is still moving around a lot sounds like she is not quite ready to leave you.  Yes, do love and enjoy every minute with her.  Each day is a gift to you.  Hugs, Dee.

[Gwenivere]

Kieron, my youngest is such a wimp (I cut all animals slack on firecrackers and vacuums), I once dropped a canned chicken can when she was licking it out as a pup and to this day she will not do it.  She’s so high strung.  I can put it on the ground and she still doesn’t trust it.  If my pick up stick falls over you’d think it transformed into some horrid viper.  Drop a bag of chips that crinkles.....Zoom, she is gone!  Haven’t heard too much noise here yet, but the night is still young.  Hoping I don’t have to sedate her up will as she glues herself to me and becomes a tripping hazard.  I hope your kitty is with you many more years, an advantage cats have over dogs.  

Marg, sounds like Nawlins really misses her mommy.  😫

thank you, Dee.  I know you went thru so much with Maddie.  Ally managed to plead me with her eyes to shut the driveway gate so she could go out.  Usually don’t on Saturdays as I don’t have to trek for mail on Sunday.  Sometimes I wonder who is the alpha.  

[KarenK]

If you want to escape reality for a while, try watching "Once Upon A Time". It is a 7 season series that was on ABC and now Netflix. It's very loosely based on fairy tales and Disney characters with a good vs evil theme. It helps to have a bit of your 10 year  old self left somewhere inside, which apparently I do. I find it fun and enjoyable to escape the insanity of the world we live in right now.

[Gwenivere]

I was so hooked on that show!  It became one of my favorites.  It is a great mix of fairy tales and Disney.  Does wake up a little kid inside if you liked that stuff.  I was always wondering what new characters they would add for awhile to create clever plots.  My favorite character is Regina, the evil queen and mayor.  Oh, and Rumplestiltskin/Mr. Gold.

[Margm]

You know me, I still have to have my fairy tales.  I only quit watching "Sleepy Hollow" because a major person died.  (Yes, I read "spoilers.") Brianna cannot understand, and it aggravates her to no end, that I want to know what happens before it happens.  People used to ask me why I loved fairy tales so much, the TV series and movies depict life as it is.  And that is why I like fairy tales.  I live life.  (That used to be a "given" but we know we lose our zest for life sometimes).  I keep the movie "Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole" on my Netflix when I am not watching TV because the colors and sounds comfort me.  

I would be remiss if I didn't mention "The Spider Chronicles" movie and books.  I loved it.  Truth be known, I think I was the only one.  But, I've always dreamed of finding the wood nymphs, the tiny fairies making homes in the woods, the life they live staying away from the monsters like tiny animals.  There are five books written by Holly Black and Tony DiTerlizz (sp?)  I have only seen the movie, but think I will go and read the five books now.  

I live in a part of the country called the Bible Belt.  That's okay, I'm part of it.  The Bible can actually be a magical book also.  I won't preach on that though, I'm not that good a person.  

But, I was warned in many places not to go see the series of movies, books written by C.S. Lewis named "The Chronicles of Narnia" and I so really enjoyed them.  For some reason they thought they sent a message of the devil, not books for children.  I disagreed with all my being.  I had followed C.S. Lewis and know his trials with Christianity and also know his friend J.R.R. Tolkien had an influence on him.  I have his book "A Grief Observed" and for you people only married a short while, he was only married four years and it had such a life lesson on him, he shared it, I understood it, and he was one man I would have liked to have known.  I felt I did, just like I felt I knew Edward Abbey and a woman that wrote her autobiography, Agnes Morley Cleaveland, "No Life for a Lady."  Some books you live along with the writers and when you are through, you go back and read them again, just so you can be close to that person you admire.  Edward Abbey was a scoundrel, but a lovable one.  I have all his books, but because Billy and I tried to follow his path when we were RVing, I cannot read them now.  

As to C.S. Lewis:  "I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."  Now why do people want to doubt this man?  

And yes Karen, I recommend "Once Upon a Time."  

And, for the real historical parts, for the magical part of time travel using the big round circle of stones in various places, (the author is a very intelligent woman, Diana Gabaldon) you cannot beat the "Outlander" series of eight books of around 7,500 pages.  They take place in present day (unsure of the years) and switch to the 1700's.  I will tell you ahead of time, she might use up 25-30 pages on one sexual meeting, and so you can skip those) if you want to.  I did.  The guy playing "Jamie" on the series  is Sam Heughan, a Scottish actor and probably the only person I would go looking for a circle of big rocks and wishing I was 50 years younger.  To the elderly ones, these books are our "Peyton Place" books.  I read all 8 before Billy left.  The TV series follows it closely.  I wrote a critique to Amazon and told them (I was 72 at the time) that the books would be shorter and not waste so many pages if they would leave off the 25-30 pages for sexual activities.  They printed it on their critiques.  Right underneath my critique was one from another 72-year-old woman who enjoyed the sexual pars of the book the most.  Maybe she was still taking her hormones.  I wasn't.  

[MartyT]

LOVE that quotation, Marg. You do find some outstanding ones ♥️

Can you imagine finding that inscription in a book written that was by your godfather? Wow. Just, wow.

[KarenK]

Hormones or not, "Outlander" is one of my favorites. A gal can still dream, can't she? I rarely read the book if I've seen the movie. That's just me. I probably won't read the "Longmire" books, but loved the series. An exception is "Riders Of The Purple Sage". Loved the book and the Ed Harris movie version. I've never read C.S. Lewis, but loved his love story in "Shadowlands". Have watched "Lord Of The Rings", but have never opened the DVDs I bought years ago.

My favorite "Once" characters have to be Charming and Snow. I"'ll bet we all dream of a love like that and some here had it.

[Gwenivere]

You nailed it again, Marg.  We already live real life, I like going to other places more pleasant because they don’t contain this reality.  I do that with other series that aren’t fantasy.  They may contain tragedies, but their not MY tragedy.  Their fictional too. They get to me at times, but unlike in the past I really see these are actors and go home at the end of the day.  I don’t know if anyone’s into sci fi, but I got into the remakes of the Star Trek movies when the characters were young and one did actually die in real life in a car accident.  It was so sad and it changed how I saw the movies in repeats.

25-30 pages for sex stuff?  LOL. Yah, I’d have to skip that and I would have even years ago.  I either want to do it or just tell me briefly it’s happening and let’s get back to the story, I can fill in the blanks.  I was more into the time line thing in Outlander before I lost interest for some reason.  I remember the moral dilemma she was in being married to someone that half the time didn’t exist yet.  

I currently trying to watch True Deective, which is good, but I’m so distracted by my real life.  It’s annoying and draining.  Makes me mad too when I’m not crying.  Late night reruns the original Charmed which I like.  Witches, demons, nymphs, leprechauns, what’s not to like?  

Karen, notvsurprised you liked Lord of the Rings.  We bought them too after renting them.  Did you see The Hobbit?  

Oh yes, Chronicles of Narnia!  Definitely a keeper.  Aslan, portrayed as 'god' in lion form, is awesome.  Religious but not.  Basic good and evil, but spun so cleverly your swept up in it.  And he is only a guide, not making the decisions for anyone.  I can relate to that if a diety exists.  I have C.S. Lewis’s book about his wife and struggle with her death, A Grief Observed.  Have only made it a few pages because he is such an intense writer.  

[kayc]

23 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I’m having a very hard day today looking in her eyes knowing I am essentially planning her death.

I hope it helps you instead of looking at it like you're planning her death, that you are preparing for her release, for that is what it is.  

Well I for one love CS Lewis, fiction or not, he is so real, I think he is great.  He is someone we can relate to, and knowledgeable to boot.  I dare anyone to look me in the eyes and even infer he is of the devil!  He'll be among the first at heaven's gate, of that I am sure!

[Margm]

21 minutes ago, kayc said:

He'll be among the first at heaven's gate, of that I am sure!

As much as I know, and all I know I heard from my mama quoting the Bible, he will be there.  "We will know as we are known" to me might mean also that maybe in talking to him I can absorb every word.  And my Billy, he was so jealous of my books and the time and attention he lost from my reading them, I turned him into a book monster and I know he would sit with me and listen to every word C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien would say.  But I think he would look for those old mountain men who lived "the life" he was born too late to take part in, I would sit with him and listen to their stories too..  

I cannot do anything but wonder about my Baptist friends who acted like I was going to see a demon movie in watching "Narnia."  I still feel strangely toward them.  They obviously were not as smart as I was. 😁

[Margm]

1 hour ago, KarenK said:

"Riders Of The Purple Sage".

Karen, I have not looked, but seem to remember that being a Zane Grey book.  If you have Kindle, I think you can get all his free (might be wrong), (maybe only if you belong to the book club).  I use the heck out of that book club.  I put them on my Kindle and know I don't have time to read them all, so I will delete them periodically.  

 

[KarenK]

I'll have to watch "Narnia". I've only seen pieces of it. I just check out E-books from the library one at a time and read them in my browser. My dad and I were big Trekkies(the original series) and also Perry Mason and Gunsmoke fans. He's been gone for 43 years. Oh,  the good old days when life was less complicated.