My Sanity Needed Vents

[widow'15]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

makes me wish I could fix things for everyone. 

Gwen and All of Us Here:  So wish we didn't have to exist this way.  It is so hard to be strong when there is no one to share our fears.  I am thankful for this Forum that reminds me I an not the only one hoping for a happier day, some day.

 

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

seeing a fantastic dog when I was out brought the pain of losing Ally back.

This morning checking up on Facebook, up popped a picture of my Maddie that was taken shortly after she became part of my household.  Made me smile, then I cried. Miss her so much as I know you miss your sweet Ally.  Those triggers keep on coming don't they?   Hugs everyone, Dee.

[Gwenivere]

They do keep coming.  I forgot to say in the post that started this reply my biggie today is going to the community center for a meal.  That is where I see the other women alone and the tent city homeless.  It’s like a moth drawn to the candle even tho I’ve come to dread it.  So why do I go?  To not feel alone in the despair.  Pretty sad reason.  I don’t want to turn a blind eye, but I want my former Saturday night back.  So I feel different now that I have seen this as we went out to dinner.  This grief then feels like a punishment.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  I feel sorry for myself and that feels selfish.  I donate money because I have it which most there don’t, but I’d be lying if I said I wish I never knew about it.  What does that say about me?  We always donated to food programs because we felt so fortunate.  I haven’t figured out why I keep going there when I could get take out beyond being amid other human beings.  It’s hit me so hard losing volunteering and my inner need for interaction.  Tho this isn’t close to that.

I watched a Linda Rondstat concert from 1979 and it had all the songs that are part of my stage of life.  So many reminded me of the emotions I had in the whirlwind relationship Steve and I had.  It was great but reminded me why I don’t listen to music much.  Only stuff that has no connection to our time together.

 I’m so tired of feeling useless and invisible.  How people probably assume I have a life when I leave places and get the typical 'have a good day or night'.  Replying 'you too' as is socially correct.  I have an article yet to read about  how to differently reply to the 'how are you doing?' question as saying  'hanging in there' gets me too many head nods and snippets of petty annoyances people have I’d love to.  (Family, not having enough time to do whatever, projects that affect their partnerships). I feel like saying....if you only knew how useless a sentiment that is to me. It’s not their fault.  I just mis feeling linked into life.

[nashreed]

Wow, Gwen. Please know I completely understand. I hate small talk and I don't say anything when checking out at a store or something. What am I supposed to say? My life sucks, there's nothing good about my morning. I see couples shopping and people interacting. I can't even look people in the eye (I'm sure I have Asperger's). I don't know anybody. If I could handle crowds, I might actually do what you do. Where else can you go to have any connection to anybody right now? No concerts, no fun to distract. If it was normal times I could go to a movie by myself or shop, but I don't feel comfortable doing that at this time (not that theaters are open in Southern California). 

I was listening to a CD mix that I made for Annette, and it had a lot of her favorite songs, that also are very depressing to me now (Pink Floyd "Wish You Were Here" for example). Music is the only thing that I have and I do find comfort in music that she enjoyed. She had an annoying (to me) habit of playing a song she liked over and over, so her favorite songs were songs she had memorized. Playing those songs are like a part of her being alive. 

[Margm]

I've had the mild sounding essential tremor since 6th grade.  It starts to act like Parkinson's as you get older.  It isn't Parkinson's though my grandfather had it and his brother at same time.  If I get too anxious my chin will shake so bad my teeth chatter and I cannot stop it.  Hey, I've had some form of it for well over 60 years, I have trouble signing my name if I get too excited, and now my voice has the halting word management like I was hoarse.  Does not hurt.  I'm used to it.  Probably scares other people.  Not worried about that.  My aunt was a beauty, I sometimes think she gave up on life because she could not put on her makeup.  I don't try.  No one wants to see an eyebrow on my ear.  Mask works well for me.

I did have unusual pains in left side this week, hurt bad enough to go to bed.  I kept seeing "Redd Fox" saying "This is the big one Elizabeth."  Slept it through.  Next day no hurting, no blood anywhere, no fever.  Guess I'm okay.  I figured adhesions from the tube surgery had obstructed something.  I don't have anything they can fix.  I need to quit eating so much.  

[kayc]

3 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

It’s hit me so hard losing volunteering and my inner need for interaction.

I think this answers your question.  I get it.

Seeing your dog come up as a memory has to be hard, I'm surprised FB hasn't done that with Arlie.

Went the long trip for COVID testing, they neglected to warn me that the wait in line would be TWO HOURS!

Talked to Polly, she didn't see this trip as doable either and said Julie just doesn't understand the extent of Peggy's disabilities and needs.  I think these sister weekends are a thing of the past.  We're all getting older...except for Julie.  Hopefully it'll be a long time before she gets it.

Talked with my son tonight, he's overwhelmed by things to do but he said he'd look at my outlet, I told him no hurry, it can wait until Spring/Summer, all I'll need it for is the fan in the summer.  I can dry my hair elsewhere.  

[Gwenivere]

It’s tough to face all the changes we have to adjust to with age.  Each day bringing new challenges.  I’m so tired of being tired.  I’ve written so icy about the pain and danger of the fix.  Now it’s bleeding more over into sleep and waking is the hardest thing.   Physically a given.  But the mental side is getting harder to fight.  

My doctor doesn’t like I take half a Vicodin when I get home.  Talk about a small amount!  So I looked at the week long pain patches he prescribed and these things are 24/7 narcotics!  The paperwork says using massive care combined with my anxiety disorder meds.  Plus it’s high up for addiction.  The very thing he was concerned about with the pills.  Makes no sense to me and no way I’m putting one on.  I don’t want to be a zombie and not be able to drive.  Do these docs even think this stuff thru?

Today is Steve’s birthday.  He would have been 69.  I wonder how he would be if he never got cancer?  More importantly it wouldn’t matter because he’d be here.  No special cupcake, balloons we would torment the dogs with (which are both gone too) and inhale the helium later and laugh.  No going to our special restaurant to celebrate both our birthdays.  We’d order different sandwiches and each have half of the others and exchange cards.  We stopped gifts a long time ago.  So, nothing big time but big to us.  Plus I’d owe him a homemade quiche.  I love him so much.  He should be here so we could start the long dark winter on a bright note.  

Happy birthday, my love.  ❤️

[scba]

2 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

He should be here so we could start the long dark winter on a bright note.  

Happy birthday, my love.  ❤️

Dear Gwen,

We are with you today and we understand your feelings.

I often wonder how life would have been if this and that happened or didn't happen. My mind has been so altered by his loss that I cannot picture how our lives would have been. I don't know. Perhaps this is the real meaning of your brain having understood "this is permanent".

It's hard though. No matter how long it has been. I should be used to see friends holding hands with their partners. I don't. I have to look away and in this time, my Covid mask protects my face of revealing how painful it is to see that. I'm sure my eyes say it so, but you have to be a good eyes reader to catch up what's going on. 

[nashreed]

Gwen, I know it must be really hard for you today. I'm so sorry. Annette's birthday is next month and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. The big 5-0. I don't know if I want to celebrate it or just ignore it. She almost made it to 50, so I feel like I want to celebrate her life. I wish I could get her advice on it. We never did have a big party for her, she never liked parties. It was always just the two of us and it was awesome. I wish I could remember more of the specific details, like you Gwen. I hate my memory. I wish I had the Marilu Henner, photographic memory. My memory sucks. Thank God for pictures and her voice mails and music to help jog memories. Why is it only bad memories that are so easy to recall, even from our earliest dating? 

Take care today, Gwen.

[brat#2]

My heart is with you today Gwen, I know how hard it is to know they won't be turning another year older.  Dale and I didn't really do anything big for our birthdays either, just go out to our favorite restaurant and exchange cards, just like you two did, but like you said it was big to us and we were together.  Sending you all my hugs!!

[kayc]

Oh Gwen!  Was his birthday yesterday or today?  Looks like you wrote this in the wee hours this morning.  My heart is with you, you know that.

I have to wonder about doctors too, sometimes they don't make sense.  I wish I knew the answers sometimes.  

I've worked so hard this week in preparation for this surgery, leaving here in a while, when I get home it'll be snowing and Kodie will need walked and the wood stove will need loaded, I hope I can do this with one hand, it's my only source of heat.  Had someone work on my furnace/duct system a couple of years ago, they screwed me over, it doesn't kick in and the duct is either broken or plugged to my bathroom, but all that I get is air, no heat.  Gave up on it.  They come from the valley so the cost for a repairman to come out is expensive.  I have lots of wood.

Made myself a cream cheese pudding so I can have a treat tonight with my dinner.  BS was up this morning, stress as I've eaten healthy.

We liked to go camping for his birthday, to the coast for our anniversary (same month as my birthday).  I miss our drives this time of year to see the fall colors.  I miss everything.

Kodie seems to know something is up, he's very attentive to me today.

To all of us...I'm glad I have you all, the support means a lot.  I hope I can type after surgery but that's probably hoping for too much.

[MartyT]

7 minutes ago, kayc said:

To all of us...I'm glad I have you all, the support means a lot.  I hope I can type after surgery but that's probably hoping for too much.

We are right there with you in spirit, dear Kay, and looking forward to getting this surgery behind you so you can focus on healing. Keep us posted as you are able, and know that you are not alone ♥️ 

[brat#2]

Am with you today Kay and praying all goes well.  Keep us posted when you can and you are in my thoughts.  Hugs

[nashreed]

Good luck Kay!

[Margm]

Heal fast and no more problems.  Thinking of you.  🙏

[Gwenivere]

Hoping all goes well, Kay.  I didn’t realize today was the day.  Stay warm and I think you said you had someone to help.  Kodie will be so glad to have his mom home.  I hope you get some take out food just for a little pampering tonight. 🌹🍔🧁🍿🍦 also hope the snow isn’t too bad.

[widow'15]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Today is Steve’s birthday.  He would have been 69.  I wonder how he would be if he never got cancer?

Gwen:  Sending my thoughts to you and a big comforting HUG.  Dee

[KarenK]

Gwen and Kay, 

Sending love and good vibes to you both as you face more of the harshness of life. Holding you close to my heart.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, nashreed said:

Thank God for pictures and her voice mails and music to help jog memories. Why is it only bad memories that are so easy to recall, even from our earliest dating? 

Yes, I’m glad for pictures and his music.  There are times I recall the bad times, but I mostly live in the good times and those really hurt.  It’s almost a relief, the bad memories, because they take away some of the grief.  They were terrible times when we weren’t happy.  It’s the massively more memories good ones that blindside me or live with every moment.  In the bad ones I cuss him out, scream at him and rightfully so.  The good ones are like trying to grip smoke.  They slip thru my fingers yet carve up my heart.

10 hours ago, scba said:

I often wonder how life would have been if this and that happened or didn't happen. My mind has been so altered by his loss that I cannot picture how our lives would have been. I don't know. Perhaps this is the real meaning of your brain having understood "this is permanent".

I think of that too.  Where and who would in be today if I hadn’t walked into that bar in 1976.  But I did so I have no idea.  I traveled a path he was in since that time.  I only know for sure I would not be living in Seattle in this house.  Beyond that, not a clue.  I get this is permanent every waking moment.  Today would just be another day, not significant with his birthday.  Would I be with someone else?  Would I be struggling financially?   Would I have friends?  I’ll never know.  Would my body still be falling apart? Probably.  Would I have support.  Another unknown.  Doesn’t matter now.  What matters is we had one hell of a ride, good and bad.  No regrets as we did everything we wanted or fantasized in the moment.  There is one thing he did without knowing the consequences I’m torn about.  He didn't know I would develop an addiction to coke when he brought that in.  It’s so convoluted.  We had great times yet I had to quit that demon he walked away from easily.  So his intent was not malicious, but he started it.  I try not to go back there.  Babbling again.  

Have to get thru the rest of today in agonizing pain, more so than usual.  Feeling very lost today as I have nothing to do.  I hate this.  

As you said about masks, I feel my whole face is one and has been for a very long time.  I can smile with the best of them, but I notice my patience level is getting less with problems.  There are so many and my mental resources deplete quickly.  I fortunately have a filter to not voice things In person mostly,  but on the phone with reps I apologize I am going to be curt and possibly hostile and it’s not personal.  I miss being a nice person consistently, but I had help with the stuff that weren’t my strengths like technical crap.  Having to learn things I don’t want to.  Insurance and banking I’m used to.  This is when I miss being a team as Steve thrived in taking on what I hated and vice versa.

babble over.  Just another day in paradise.  😰

[Gwenivere]

Got out and did a few errands.  Not easy with my limping.  Dropped off some goodies to nursing home friends, the Dollar Store and Safeway.  Hit me walking by the bakery and cupcakes and I uttered to myself 'happy birthday, Steve'.  The weather was miserable, just like I felt.  We usually had one dinner out somewhere between our birthdays and tonight I would have made him a quiche.  All from scratch.  I’ll be having a take out sandwich and chips.  A far cry from that special night he bragged to his buddies about.  A far cry for me having him bug me about when it will ready.  I only got some tonight.  All leftovers were frozen and off limits to anyone but him.  One of those little things you truly do with love.  One year I used a premade pie crust.  I never lived it down.  It was a way he told me he loved me.  It had to be the real deal.  😓

[ipswitch]

On 11/9/2020 at 5:15 AM, Gwenivere said:

 

My doctor doesn’t like I take half a Vicodin when I get home.  Talk about a small amount!  So I looked at the week long pain patches he prescribed and these things are 24/7 narcotics!  The paperwork says using massive care combined with my anxiety disorder meds.  Plus it’s high up for addiction.  The very thing he was concerned about with the pills.  Makes no sense to me and no way I’m putting one on.  I don’t want to be a zombie and not be able to drive.  Do these docs even think this stuff thru?

 

I'm not sure they do. Both my man-friend and my boss had the same operation (to correct an umbilical hernia) Boss's doctor gave him a 30-day prescription for opiates. I'm trying to remember - the pharmacy at the hospital where I picked up Man-friend's drugs - I think I said, he won't need those, in fact, I know he won't take them. They gave the the line about 'better have them and not need them' but he never did take any. I don't think there were thirty days worth - maybe a week? And - he didn't take any. Boss took four of his and didn't like how they made him feel. I have no beef with the pharmaceutical industry: those drugs are a Godsend to people with chronic pain. But Sending someone a scrip for a month's worth for day surgery seems like upping the chances that an unhappy family member will see them lying around and be tempted to try them.

[Gwenivere]

My point was this new opiate would be in my system all the time with meds on the contradiction list.  The half pill intake I can do in between doses of those.  My potential surgery is major requiring rehab stay and how they would handle pain as it will hurt worse than it does now at first.  I’m barely getting by now.  This patch is covered with warnings.  It’s the lowest dose, but anything powerful enough to last a week concerns me.  Lots of other restrictions to be aware of like heat, not touching the med side with your fingers, don’t get it hot as it will release more. If I were in a hospital that would be different.  But I’m not.  I’m alone if something happened.  

I agree these are godsends to those that need them, like me.  Maybe I’m overblowing the paperwork, but I’ve taken so many meds that had side effects that made life hell.  I can’t even take ibuprofen because I get dizzy. I did discuss this with him.  I couldn’t get an answer that made me comfortable.  And maybe I’d do OK on them, but I’m too skittish to try with the being alone factor.  If it did suppress my breathing and I passed out, my medic alert would be useless.  I couldn’t even Push the button.

Its another fallout from being widowed.  That built in safety catch.  I was that for Steve and there were more times than I can count it saved his life.

[kayc]

They neglected to be truthful with me about what to expect.  In immense pain, so much so my brain isn't functioning, so tired.  Have to ice 1/2 hour on, 1/2 hour off.  Take Tylenol then 3 hours later Ibuprofen, then Tylenol, etc.  No lifting, no getting it went, no gripping, that cuts out everything.  Have to elevate it above my heart.  Kelly came here at 7 pm and left 1:30 pm today.  Kodie is being good.  Very tired.  Still have the numbness, hope it goes away.  No snow so that make me happy.

[MartyT]

[Gwenivere]

After having spent another day in horrid pain myself, I really hope you get some relief from yours.  Right after surgery is always the hardest.  I’m surprised you didn’t get some stronger pain meds til your body starts to calm down.  I don’t even know how I’d keep my hand above my heart.   We’re you knocked out or in that twilight sleep they do?  I hope you have a decent evening and some much needed rest.  💖

[Gwenivere]

Had a therapy session yesterday.  My guy wanted to do it an hour earlier so he could take his afternoon walk.  I told him I didn’t want to keep doing this.  So much keeps changing in my so called life, I’m sick of it.  He pushed back but we finally settled on splitting the difference.  I’m also sick of being moved around for anyone I pays convenience.  I was getting calls from the neurosurgeon about being cleared after repeatedly telling them I have questions I need answers to.  Now I have to schedule another Zoom visit.  

I got a notice that Melody needs a booster.  I don’t know how I will make this happen.  I don’t want to call the mobile vet as she’s so expensive.  Thinking on this got me thinking about Ally and how she would shake her head and her ears would flap loudly.  It’s so odd how those thoughts pop up and grip you in missing them.  She will lead to Steve and then I’m all caught up in the losses again.  

I tried sleeping differently Sunday night and woke up nauseous and in worse pain,  it’s so discouraging.  Nights are so hard because I sit most of the time and getting up for anything is horrible.  I feel bad for Melody as she has a mom that isn’t any fun.  

One possibly good thing that presented itself is where I volunteer needs people to stuff stockings for the residents.  Provided I can keep the pain in check, I’d like to do that.  Wish I could help as they are going to let visitors in and want people to oversee that covid protocol is maintained.  Don’t know how that works for privacy in conversations, but I do worry about the residents in danger for desperation for contact that isn’t safe.  But I can’t commit to 6 hour shifts.  I’m gonna allow myself to hope (always a dangerous thing to do for me) I can do the stockings.  Maybe it will chop off a bit of my grinch growth.  🎄