Tired Of Being Strong

[mittam99]

Maryann, I know what you mean but I don't really think it's simple procrastination, per say. And believe me, I've always been a procrastinator.

I think it's more to do with the fact that everything in this new life overwhelms. Decisions, major and minor, overwhelm.

Back in my life before Tammy died, I procrastinated to an extent out of laziness. It's different now. Now, I put things off because I feel like (emotionally) I can only handle so much at any given time. I'm sort of pacing myself so I don't get too overwhelmed.

Does that make sense?

[Froggie4635]

Yes Mitch, it does.  I was always the one who was prodding Mark along when some things needed done (or something that I wanted done).  There is no one around now who cares...the dogs don't care how much hair is on the floor, or if mommy sleeps on the mattress without putting on a fitted sheet.  Sometimes making a decision is one of the most overwhelming things to do.

[KATPILOT]

If just age alone we move slower. Ad grief to the program and it magnifies. It takes me longer just to move about the workplace and I have to think about every turn I make while driving my car. I'm actually afraid I'm going to pull out in front of someone and I never felt that before. Confidence is a big part of that I think. We sometimes because of a feeling of being more vulnerable, forget what we were like before. I guess it's like what you are saying about pacing yourself Mitch. It may be best to not ask more of ourselves than we can handle.

By the way Maryann, and this was especially true in my early years of grief that making decisions scared the hell out of me. I was so certain I was going to do it wrong. I get what you said about who really cares. Having that other person gave you confidence just by being next to you, like having two sets of eyes on the road.

[mittam99]

Our priorities in life are so completely changed now, aren't they?

I believe the procrastinating we do is our minds going into a sort of "self protection" mode. There's only so much our fragile psyche can handle at one time.

Too bad our grief journey doesn't come with one of these...

 

 

[kayc]

Ana, it took me ten years to get my reading back, I could read the newspaper but that was about it for length.  Focus is one of the hardest hit in grief.

[brat#2]

You all are so right, my confidence is gone now.  I was extremely shy and didn't have much confidence before I met Dale and with his love and "pushing" I became a very strong, confident person because he was always by my side.  Now, I have to go over everything in my head (like I use to do) before I will step out the door.  I have to plan the drive, the time I'll be gone and what I'm going to do when I get there.  When I knew Dale was around, I would just go out the door and if I ended up where I wanted to be eventually I was OK with that.  Trying to make a decision about something specific has become terrifying and I just keep putting it off too, but like you said Mitch, I think we can only handle so much at a time.

Joyce

[kayc]

Joyce, It helps me to remember that he is always with me, I carry him inside of me, I took him to job interviews, took him with me when I had to meet the banker or face something hard, the confidence he always had in me is still there, I just have to reach inside for it.

[brat#2]

Kay, thank you.  I know you are right, but I just have trouble doing that at the moment.  I keep trying and hopefully someday I will be able to find that confidence again.  I'm sure he is doing all he can to make me feel it.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

My job ended a few months after George died, and I had to learn to draw from him at that time, I don't know how I would have gotten through it otherwise.  I didn't want to lose our home, it meant so much to him.

[brat#2]

I'm so glad that you were able to draw your strength from him to help you through that and that you were able to save your home.  I know if I wouldn't be able to stay in our home, it would be devastating to me.  It is my "safe" zone, was when he was here and still is because so much of it is him and his handy work.  I know he has been with me to get me this far, so I'll just keep digging deep inside and will find more of him as time goes on.

Joyce

 

[Gin]

I do not know why, but I do not feel that Al is here with me.  Believe me, I sure wish I could feel him.  I think about it a lot, but somehow, I do not feel it.  We were so close when he was here with me, but now he feels a million miles away.

[kayc]

It may just take you time, it'll come, I'm sure.

[Margm]

Gin, I have mentioned I was blocking Billy.  I did feel closer walking to the mailbox and remembered that verse saying something about being in the wind that blows.  The wind was blowing in these tall trees and the wild honeysuckle smell was wafting through the air. His favorite flower. I somehow felt close to him.  In looking at his pictures today, something I felt I never could do, I did not even feel he was gone.  But he is.  I am going to have the pictures enlarged.  Maybe seeing him 30 years ago did not hurt me.  I just felt he was here.  Cannot explain it.  

I will say one thing.  I went by the realtor's office today and she is friends with my neighbor.  She said "you look like you need a hug" and she hugged me and then had to go get me Kleenex.  Damn, I hate to have waterworks at such a time.  Guess I was feeling sorry for myself.  

[mittam99]

Marg, I guess I just don't understand what you mean by "blocking". In my life, Tammy has left physically, but she is with me, heart and soul and with every thought I have and breath I take. Are you "blocking" Billy because the pain is too much to bear? For me, there are some things (events) I try not to dwell on that cause me anguish, but, how can I block the person that was the best part of my life? Tammy gave me more love than all the other people in my entire life, combined. I think we need to feel all the emotions that are tied into the loss of the person we adored. If we don't, can our grief journey truly be healing?

[enna]

"I will say one thing.  I went by the realtor's office today and she is friends with my neighbor.  She said "you look like you need a hug" and she hugged me and then had to go get me Kleenex.  Damn, I hate to have waterworks at such a time.  Guess I was feeling sorry for myself." Marg

Marg, I am so glad you received that hug. We need all the hugs we can get. It is not natural for people to even acknowledge grief in our society. You were not feeling sorry for yourself. Our grief needs to be validated. I am glad you are looking at Billy's pictures. You will find your own ways to remember your Billy and however you do it will be just fine. Grief is so individual. 

I agree with Mitch. My Jim is with me all the time. Not in a way I'd like him to be, but he is with me. After four years on May 25th, I still talk with him and feel his presence all the time. 

Anne 

[Gwenivere]

18 hours ago, Gin said:

I feel I am the Queen of boredom!   The TV is on all the time, even if I do not know what is on.  Just noise.   I fee like my life is a waste.  I do nothing of any importance to anyone.

Gin, one thing that is not required now is doing things of importance.  I'm still sorting out what IS important now.  Please don't judge yourself.  We don't know yet what will and won't matter.  If you had to feel something to make you feel better as you search, you can always fall back on that 'I got out of bed at least' thing.  I actually find that majorly huge most days.  Did you get dressed?  Did you eat?  Did you scream at the universe?  Sometimes we do more than we realize.  

[Margm]

Blocking:  Well, I don't know how to explain it, but I just cannot feel him around me, that is about the best way I can explain it.  Some times I can numb-down the pain and not think about him.  It is  like all of this pain of digging in his clothes, his hoarded hobbies, putting him in a box, sometimes I just have to numb down or I cannot function.  I would love to have him right beside me, he is in my heart, When I had cancer the treatments themselves were horrific, but at that young age my two best friends were terminal and my dad was terminal also and all died within two years. During those two years I would get in the car and go off by myself, driving miles and miles, trying to comprehend things.  Billy understood my doing this.  I think in old times they would call it a nervous breakdown.  My health is precarious.  I cannot lift things and this moving is driving me to block out the pain.  My sister is handling my mom and she needs me there.  My family is needing me in so many ways that I am stretched so many ways I cannot think of everything.  I talk to him and tell him he is supposed to be with me, but of course I know he cannot.  I am not angry, I think I probably am just close to running off to that seedy motel in the middle of Texas and park behind it.  My family would find me though. 'Sometimes I just have to dissociate, and that is a word I am familiar with.  And, the proper thing to do would be to go to a shrink again.  The one thing a shrink has never been able to make me do is tell my family "no."  I don't have time for Billy.  I don't have time for me. Billy always understood me, but he was always there to help me. Right now I am stretched more ways than plastic man.   I will handle it. 

[mittam99]

"Stretched more ways than plastic man" ...

I can only imagine how overwhelmed you must feel these days Marg. You have so much on your plate and to handle all this while you are still deeply grieving the loss of Billy, boggles my mind. I'm so glad you are posting and venting here and you still have your patented sense of humor. Give yourself a pat on the back, that's quite an accomplishment!

On another note, and I hope this isn't too personal, just how old is your mom??

[Margm]

Mama will be 95 on June 2nd.  She needs round the clock care.  She cannot walk, but her mind says she still can.  They won't let her have soft restraints unless there is a 24 hour nurse there, and of course we cannot afford that.  She gets up in the night and crawls, she has a hospital bed, she eats cat food and other things.  She needs in a nursing home, but because of things being like they are, she cannot be.  I think my sister is worse off than I am, but she has never been married, never had any family but me and Mama and Daddy.  All she has had is education and her students were her children, but that's another story.

[mittam99]

Marg, all I'd like to do is give you a big hug right now. I don't have the words.

[Margm]

Okay, two hugs today, now I will get the Kleenex again.  Thanks Mitch.  I think Billy is just waiting for things to calm down and then he will come around. 

[Clematis]

Marg, you do sound pretty busy-it's kind of hard to even make out what all you are doing, but it sounds like you are handling things well.

As to blocking, I think real blocking is when you don't allow yourself to believe what you are experiencing, even though it is right there in front of you. Sometimes it seems like a while since I've heard anything from my dad and when I think about him I fear he's gone. But then things quiet neon and there is some comment from him and I realize he was there all along; I was just too busy to pay attention...

 

[scba]

On Friday, May 13, 2016 at 9:58 PM, Marg M said:

Gin, I have mentioned I was blocking Billy.  I did feel closer walking to the mailbox and remembered that verse saying something about being in the wind that blows.  The wind was blowing in these tall trees and the wild honeysuckle smell was wafting through the air. His favorite flower. I somehow felt close to him.  In looking at his pictures today, something I felt I never could do, I did not even feel he was gone.  But hs.  I am going to have the pictures enlarged.  Maybe seeing him 30 years ago did not hurt me.  I just felt he was here.  Cannot explain it.  

I will say one thing.  I went by the realtor's office today and she is friends with my neighbor.  She said "you look like you need a hug" and she hugged me and then had to go get me Kleenex.  Damn, I hate to have waterworks at such a time.  Guess I was feeling sorry for myself.  

Dear Marg, I think we will always have a kind of feeling thay they are not really gone. It is part of the love experience, I think. Maybe I am wrong. I have blocked my memories for more than a year, they are slowly   coming back, i felt sad then because memories hurted me and I felt guilty for that. 

 

[mittam99]

32 minutes ago, scba said:

Dear Marg, I think we will always have a kind of feeling thay they are not really gone. It is part of the love experience, I think. Maybe I am wrong.

If you love someone with all your heart, they never really die. Yes, physically they've left us. We no longer can feel their hugs and kiss their lips. But that loved we shared, the sweet memories of who they were and what they gave us, lives forever.

We ache because they aren't physically here with us. We ache because all we have left are memories. We ache because we can't understand why all of this happened. We live in a world where pain and despair is our one constant.

But, what if we can somehow look at things in a different way? What if we can dwell on the fact that we were truly blessed to have had someone love us like they did, more than dwelling on our loneliness? To dwell on the fact that we are a different and better person thanks to them. That we still have their love and their essence inside of us. I'm not saying that we still wouldn't be heartbroken, but somehow we'd look at life in a more positive, hopeful way. And we all need some sense of hope to heal.

[kayc]

Our memories with them are not just part of our brain, they are part of our soul, part of our very existence.